The last several weeks I've been doing 'real work', in fact real mans work. Here are several facts I think you pampered, blog-reading, modular-tsubi christmas party going, bang-gang dj befriending, jobless cretins may find useful:
1. If you come across a fork-lift driver known as 'grandad' be warned... Especially if you are 'one of those fucken dumb sluts pickin kids up from school...Fucken bitches can't do a U-turn, can't park, Jesus!'
2. There is this massive industrial hardware place in Bankstown called 'Express'...It's like Bunnings except the staff don't wear tomato-coloured shirts and are far more manly. I have been there numerous times to pick up orders (yeah thats right, orders!) of (sniff) various nuts, bolts and other(sniff) components necessary to (sniff) erect scaffolding... Anyway, I have never been anywhere in my life with a) less women and b) more homosexual innuendo...When I first walked in there I thought it was the set for gay porn. A word of advice... don't bother trying to explain this to co-workers.
3. Attaining a Bachelor of Arts majoring in History and Performance Studies does not qualify you to use an angle grinder, drive a forklift or indeed make you a passable worker.
COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE:
Potential radio names:
'Trousers Naroo'
'Monkey Allan'
'Undies O'Halloran'
'Joost Van-Tastic'
- LISTEN TO JAMES, STEVE AND SOME BAND FROM PERTH FRIDAY 2ND OF DEC, 1-6AM - FBI 94.5FM
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
You will know me when you see me... I'll be the one with the pink carnation
A few things you might not know...
* Backpacker cruises make for shit hangovers the next day... I think its all the English people in novelty t-shirts - 'Fuck me I'm famous', the more simple 'sleazy' or the classic pun 'I'm not a vegetarian but I'm off my chops'.
* It's quite an empowering feeling sitting in Kings Cross maccas late at night. Whether it be chatting to the guys from the year below at school that have made the lucrative career move of permanent part-time cocaine user or staring at junkies thinking 'that's sad... Remind me never to do that' - It's a great way to think you have over achieved... How does that song go?
* The bongos at Cargo Bar have a microphone in them (after the cruise, it's not like I go to Cargo all the time... God. I'm way cooler than that, I listen to music and go to late night venues that you've never heard of - Most of the bars I drink in you need to knock on a red door, then a doorbitch stares through a gap in it, decides whether you're cool enough then either lets you in or rejects you... Out of all the times I have been to these said bars if have only been turned away like 13 or 14 times, but I go out alot, and a few of those times I was with a few really ugly people...so). When I got up to play them I realised that instead of wasting the microphone on amplified percussion you could turn it around and yell things into it, it was bloody loud. Of everything profound or funny I could say to the entire bar do you know what I said?
"Brad purrs like a Wolverine" (to this I have to give a footnote-style nod in the direction of Roland Ellis).
* I have $1.77 in my bank as of this morning. It's actually not that bad because I have money in a different account. Still, a man needs really expensive pants and shoes.
* According to Chuck Hahn the James Squire porter ale goes really well with ".....Mudcake"
* I'm going to open a thai restaurant... I'm thinking of calling it Thai-burculosis, Clauds thought it was a Thai-ribble idea though.
* Backpacker cruises make for shit hangovers the next day... I think its all the English people in novelty t-shirts - 'Fuck me I'm famous', the more simple 'sleazy' or the classic pun 'I'm not a vegetarian but I'm off my chops'.
* It's quite an empowering feeling sitting in Kings Cross maccas late at night. Whether it be chatting to the guys from the year below at school that have made the lucrative career move of permanent part-time cocaine user or staring at junkies thinking 'that's sad... Remind me never to do that' - It's a great way to think you have over achieved... How does that song go?
* The bongos at Cargo Bar have a microphone in them (after the cruise, it's not like I go to Cargo all the time... God. I'm way cooler than that, I listen to music and go to late night venues that you've never heard of - Most of the bars I drink in you need to knock on a red door, then a doorbitch stares through a gap in it, decides whether you're cool enough then either lets you in or rejects you... Out of all the times I have been to these said bars if have only been turned away like 13 or 14 times, but I go out alot, and a few of those times I was with a few really ugly people...so). When I got up to play them I realised that instead of wasting the microphone on amplified percussion you could turn it around and yell things into it, it was bloody loud. Of everything profound or funny I could say to the entire bar do you know what I said?
"Brad purrs like a Wolverine" (to this I have to give a footnote-style nod in the direction of Roland Ellis).
* I have $1.77 in my bank as of this morning. It's actually not that bad because I have money in a different account. Still, a man needs really expensive pants and shoes.
* According to Chuck Hahn the James Squire porter ale goes really well with ".....Mudcake"
* I'm going to open a thai restaurant... I'm thinking of calling it Thai-burculosis, Clauds thought it was a Thai-ribble idea though.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Selection of Quotes vol. 1.
* 'He/She has a head like Parramatta Road'
- Noone actually said this, I was just thinking of new localised insults when I was driving down the road and this one came out on top.
* 'He definitely has a fair dash of Anglican in him'
- Will, offering insight on a good friends hate for an unmown lawn
* 'Calm down mate...There's a fucken drought on!'
- Apparently the solution to any argument in Wagga (courtesy S. Lloyd)
* 'Gin is the new vodka'
- Not quite apparently, 'but it is up to us bartenders to continue the education of gin with our customers...' according to Bars and Clubs magazine. October, 2005
* 'It's not exactly 9 to 5, you know... It's all over the place a bit...so...'
- Awkward conversation involving the question of 'what are you up to now?'
* 'Do you mind if I whip out the back and suck down a fag?'
- Lucas' constant request, sometimes not even at work.
* 'PENS DOWN MEANS PENS DOWN!'
- Angry old lady examiner said to girl today in exam in response to the question 'can I please write my name on the exam?' She did not relent and the girl had to hand in her exam with no name on it. Irrational following of rules, anyone?
* 'Yes.'
- The answer to the posing challenge to creative design: 'Is there such thing as a pair of sunglasses so obnoxious that even Jesus would look like a dick if he wore them?'
* 'It's absolutely fantastic!'
- Cameron Shepherd on being selected in the Wallabies touring squad, and nearly every question he has been asked in the last 5 years with exclusion to apologies about jumping on a car.
- Noone actually said this, I was just thinking of new localised insults when I was driving down the road and this one came out on top.
* 'He definitely has a fair dash of Anglican in him'
- Will, offering insight on a good friends hate for an unmown lawn
* 'Calm down mate...There's a fucken drought on!'
- Apparently the solution to any argument in Wagga (courtesy S. Lloyd)
* 'Gin is the new vodka'
- Not quite apparently, 'but it is up to us bartenders to continue the education of gin with our customers...' according to Bars and Clubs magazine. October, 2005
* 'It's not exactly 9 to 5, you know... It's all over the place a bit...so...'
- Awkward conversation involving the question of 'what are you up to now?'
* 'Do you mind if I whip out the back and suck down a fag?'
- Lucas' constant request, sometimes not even at work.
* 'PENS DOWN MEANS PENS DOWN!'
- Angry old lady examiner said to girl today in exam in response to the question 'can I please write my name on the exam?' She did not relent and the girl had to hand in her exam with no name on it. Irrational following of rules, anyone?
* 'Yes.'
- The answer to the posing challenge to creative design: 'Is there such thing as a pair of sunglasses so obnoxious that even Jesus would look like a dick if he wore them?'
* 'It's absolutely fantastic!'
- Cameron Shepherd on being selected in the Wallabies touring squad, and nearly every question he has been asked in the last 5 years with exclusion to apologies about jumping on a car.
Monday, November 07, 2005
SEPERATED AT BIRTH? KRISTENSEN CALLS FOR FULL INQUIRY
When I awoke on Sunday morning, my bitterness over having to do a take-home exam slightly subsided when I realised that while I was asleep I received a text message from the very-soon-to-be-in-Sydney Annika.
She had written to me suggesting that she had just encountered my long lost twin brother, he was on stage singing in the band Faker. After receiving this message I did some research and found some photos of the guilty impersonator posing to be me: it appears the band name 'Faker' is more than appropriate doesn't it...hahahaha.
I don't really look like him that much I don't think...Sure we are both the front-men of New-wave rock bands and we both look great in tight denim...But the similarities end there. And we both have 'lovely fair skin' - quote an old lady in the shops last week.
Personally Ak, I think I look more like my brother Bernie pictured below...but I guess we will have to wait for the DNA samples to come back from 'the lab'.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
A rock and a hard place
Today (Tuesday) being Melbourne Cup day was a very interesting day at work. Not only is work strewn with decorations and real-life ponies with real-life shit as part of the theme, BUT, we are extremely busy, AND, we have to dress up. This is not always a bad thing, last year I got to be a bookie and wear a cool polyester plaid suit and hat. This year I had to be a jockey.
Having anticipated that we would be dressing up I did not wear my work cl0thes to work as I could not be bothered ironing a shirt that I would inevitably not be wearing anyway (actually my mum usually irons my shirts for me anyway) so I wore 'normal clothes'. When I woke up this morning to put on said normal clothes I noticed a t-shirt in my drawer that hadn't been worn in ages: the best bit about this is that is was a 'Human Nature t-shirt. It was given to me as a birthday present about 5 years ago in a flurry of year 2000/2001 humourous irony.
Anyway, so I was wearing a 'Human Nature' t-shirt underneath pink and purple jockey silks - Camp, granted. After the race at 3pm everyone else changed out of their costume into other stuff. What was I to do? Do I wear pink jockey silks all night or take them off and expose my 'Human Nature' t-shirt to a crowd of people that had been drinking all day and probably would not appreciate the humour that I find when I see myself or a fellow human wearing boy-band merchandise? I ended up keeping the jockey silks on all night and getting more compliments than abuse... there is something about when a long-haired, chemical abusing, boy-predator tells you that 'it's your colour' that makes you think again though... or not.
Having anticipated that we would be dressing up I did not wear my work cl0thes to work as I could not be bothered ironing a shirt that I would inevitably not be wearing anyway (actually my mum usually irons my shirts for me anyway) so I wore 'normal clothes'. When I woke up this morning to put on said normal clothes I noticed a t-shirt in my drawer that hadn't been worn in ages: the best bit about this is that is was a 'Human Nature t-shirt. It was given to me as a birthday present about 5 years ago in a flurry of year 2000/2001 humourous irony.
Anyway, so I was wearing a 'Human Nature' t-shirt underneath pink and purple jockey silks - Camp, granted. After the race at 3pm everyone else changed out of their costume into other stuff. What was I to do? Do I wear pink jockey silks all night or take them off and expose my 'Human Nature' t-shirt to a crowd of people that had been drinking all day and probably would not appreciate the humour that I find when I see myself or a fellow human wearing boy-band merchandise? I ended up keeping the jockey silks on all night and getting more compliments than abuse... there is something about when a long-haired, chemical abusing, boy-predator tells you that 'it's your colour' that makes you think again though... or not.
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