Christmas Cards.

You know those piss-weak, self-indulgent, christmas cards that you get every year from over achieving families (usually people that your parents used to hang out but haven't seen since back in the days when people smoked inside at parties, or you are distantly related to through marriage). They suck. Here's mine for 05'

Season's Greetings and Happy New Year from James Ross-Edwards incorporated!

I hope you have all had as fruitful a year as everyone at J.R-Einc has!
Just to let you know just how proud we are of James, and all his achievements, we thought we would take some time out from silly-season festivities to list every single step James has done this year, in the process hopefully making you feel like an under-achieving twat.

2005 started with a literal bang this year as James bumped his head while drunk in a tiny, dank hostel/motor Inn in Canada that he called home for three months. Being an outdoorsy traveller type, there was no pinning him down, spending the best part of January and February unblocking toilets in the worst 3.5 star hotel in Whistler! On the occasions that he actually did go skiing with (insert friends names here) he enjoyed it immensely saying often that 'my favourite part is lunch'.

After a brief trip to the city that never sleeps, James made a stop off to catch up with his younger brother Pubes who has spent this year living in Ireland. James soaked up the atmosphere in Ireland, quickly learning that you do not get thrown out of pubs for vomiting inside and that 'gypsy's don't like being called "Pikey's"' it was time to get back down-under and take legal action against Guy Ritchie.

The low flying buzz of the march-fly signalled the start of James' third and final year studying arts at the University of Sydney. Politically minded from his fantastic upbringing, James involved himself actively in the STOP VSU campaign, finding that the best way to get the message across was to sit quietly at the back nodding in agreement but not getting to close...Everyone knows that hippies smell like crap. Throwing himself back into University life, James was involved in (insert clubs and soc names here), and needless to say was often a little too familiar with some of the 'more social' aspects of university life (insert pause for understanding chuckle from baby boomers whose education was paid for, and thus had way more money to spend on booze).

James still works as a bartender at the infamous Albert's tavern, and is said to have a top rapport with staff and customers alike: 'James not only sucks the marrow out of life, but also the fun out of a workplace and the tar out of cigarettes'.

James' year was also filled with a visit to Perth, in which some Hari Krishna's tried to poison him and some guy in a pub called him a 'queer bastard' as a stab at his highly acclaimed boy-george style fringe. With a BA behind him, our young hero is thinking of getting a job this year as a CEO or maybe a heart surgeon.

(This is the part of the christmas card, in which the family/individual pretty much just squeezes anything they think could sound respectable/credible, and thus invoking jealousy)
Oh yeah, did I mention that James met (insert band members names here), has no problem getting into (name cool bars/nightclubs) here. I wish he could be hear to sign this card now but he's down on Crown St posing and telling people that he knows the Banggang DJs and is somehow related to one of the guys from Sneaky Sound System... Did I mention that he knows someone at Cabana bar...so any 18 year old girls, he can't get you in, but if he eventually buys a collared shirt and a pair of shit square toed leather shoes then maybe he'll see you in there eh?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all,
Hopefully catch up with you all very soon (hopefully this letter has made you want to catch up with me more... By sending you this card I'm probably just gloating about my achievements or want something from you.)

James Ross-Edwards Incorporated
xoxo