Act 1 Scene 1

Characters/housemates:
- $1.40 Coke Man
- Furiously Masturbating Ice Addict
- Samantha Brett as herself
- Simmo

Vague Premise:
This unlikely foursome all live together in what can easily be described as "the sharehouse from Hell!"

THE LIVING ROOM, 5PM, WEDNESDAY

Samantha Brett: Oh! It is just so hard to keep thinking up topics for my nationally recognised dating blog!

Furiously Masturbating Ice Addict: Could you please just relax a bit Sam? I know, I know, we both grew up in very competetive environments. But the difference between you and me is that I know how to relax and not let stress bother me.

SB: Hang on, that's a perfect topic! "Are us urban dwelling gen-Yers too stressed to maintain healthy relationships?"

FMIA: (a bit distracted) Yeah sounds good. I just think you miss the point with everything you do. I understand that you have the whole Carrie Bradshaw thing you desperately attempt, but you dish out this bland, over-written drivel day after day. Ideally, if you were following the SITC model it would be a bit sexy, a personal account that was really worth a read. But really babe, you just tenuously link statistics in bland psychological reports to a broad "trend" you imagine, cite a made up example then open the forum to a group of online sociopaths.

SB: But -

FMIA: (butting in) And another thing I hate, you always say you were out sharing cocktails with a "highly eligible male colleague." Why are you ashamed to say that you get your best fodder when you're helping me scratch all the imaginary Christmas beetles off my back?

SB: Furious, you know I love you but I can't tell my readers that my column is ghost-written by a man who only sleeps on Mondays. Do you realise that you screamed at my contraceptive pills for over an hour yesterday.

FMIA: Why do you have those things anyway? They're extremely cocky, and I'm pretty sure you don't have sex.

ENTER $1.40 Coke man: (proudly) I'm cooking dinner whether you bitches like it or not!

FMIA: I won't be needing any dinner thank you, on account of my drug dependency of course. Look, my stomach looks like an African child's and I have a huge chunk ripped out of my arm! I don't even know how it happened, I just noticed then! Ha.

$1.40: (Laughs) Wait 'til Simmo sees that!