Using The Digital Scanner

Last week I received a letter of redundancy from my workplace. As of May 28, me and all the people that do my job will be out of shifts. In my case, I will lose all my shifts. I'll spare you a sob story, as I've already written one, which will presumably not get published in the SMH's Heckler, as it is that particular publication who employs me.

Nevertheless, this has got me wondering what function I can now serve to the workplace from the first week of June. The word "function" is even more intimidating in this context as John Fairfax Publication Pty Ltd have just been advised that my current job serves little to no function, whatsoever. It's an interesting concept, as working at the newspaper was my best paid, and widely considered my "most prestigious" job, external advisors have assured my employer that in fact, I am just taking up space.

My first ever job paid just over a third of the hourly rate that the SMH does, delivering pizzas for Belmonte's Gourmet Pizza. I was 17. The only qualification I needed was a driver's licence and the ability to ensure the affable proprietor, Sam that "I wan't full of shit." Around six months later it was proven that I wasn't completely, but on numerous isolated occasions was definetly full, of shit. This job may have been pretty bottom-feeding (as in feeding from the bottom), and I may have been pretty unreliable, but I was unquestionably crucial to the running of the business. If I hadn't been there to deliver the pizzas, one of the other guys would have had to do it, which would have generally made delivery times longer, which is not great for a small, independent business in a competetive environment (Pizza Hut next door).

At Belmonte's and in all the subsequent jobs I have had, I served an active role in producing something. All of a sudden, I get a corporate email address, a building pass and a wheelie chair - useless. They aren't even replacing me with younger, keener immigrants or a computer (probably that cocky c..t from the Mac ads) - they are replacing our department with nothing. Nobody will do a better job than me (this is not a comedy sketch about baseball).

So, now I have to work out what, apart from nothing apparently, I can do for a living. I've ruled out about 99% of jobs already and all I have left at the moment is: doctor, lift operator for old fashion manually driven lift in David Jones (fuck, I hope it's still there), postman and professional cricketer. My lack of appropriate qualifications and skills puts me out of contention for all but one, and I don't really like hospitals anyway. All I can do now is work on improving my skills, like practising writing in the exact style of one of those "irreverent" complain-columnists (You know, like when they resolve there complaint by being mildly self-deprecating and "who-caresy" at the end: "I may be going bald, but at least I have tattoos." Wankers.).