Extract from my AWARD School Application

1. Why do you want to be involved in creative communications?

A few years ago I worked as an office temp with an older fellow named Gary. Several times each day, he would say the same thing to me: “We’re not numbers people, James! We’re both creatives!” Our job was to proofread financial Statements of Advice for typographical and pagination errors. ‘Is this what being “a creative” is?’ I wondered.

It soon transpired that Gary was using the term ‘creative’ to refer to his place in the universe as a free spirit, rather than his endless string of office temping assignments. Either way, I began to take a fancy to the title. I was jealous of the patronising tone Gary took with all he spoke to. I wanted to be a creative.

After some extensive research I discovered that I was definitely not a free spirit. I’ll never forget the disappointment when I opened that hemp envelope and saw the rustic Free Spirit Society font, informing me that my application was unsuccessful – my spirit was to be forever condemned. The national FSS representative, John Butler, had signed the letter. I noticed later that he had also written the URL for his band’s Myspace page – a final slap to the soul. My fate was decided, I would never call myself ‘a creative.’

Miraculously, the very next hour, a colleague (after seeing my tears) informed me that most advertising agencies have entire departments of people titled ‘Creatives’ – and with a capital, too! Being involved in creative communication in a physical location (rather than across the entire universe) is obviously my new fate.

Also, John Butler suggested that I cut my suit pants into shorts… I think I cut them too short.

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Here are some other things that weren't playful- yet-on-point enough for Question 1:

* ... This is not to say that I am homophobic. At request I can provide a roster of gay creative friends who will confirm this.

*1992: I turned up to my primary school’s mufti day wearing a vintage fez in favour of the regulation legionnaires or ‘flap’ hat. Though it offered no sun protection, by default I was not in violation of the ‘no hat no play’ rule. I returned home sunburnt and satisfied, a staff room full of confused board of education employees in my wake.

*1996: At the age of 11 I created a three dimensional, interactive installation that explained the difference between irony and paradox, and more specifically, why the Alanis Morisette song Ironic should in fact be called Paradox. The piece received a huge response both locally and internationally.

* 2003-2007: I patronised baby boomers with my smug understanding of postmodernism no more than three times during this entire period.

*I am unique. I am different. I invent new phrases amongst my friends that last. Students at my former high school reportedly still use the term 'get your cunt out, please' regularly.

* While all the other children were playing games, I was in the corner creating. My vocabulary has enormous an enormous range – I use words and sentences to duck and weave my way through life’s maze. Soliloquy: just one example. Postmodernism is my friend and, unlike Charles Dickens, I realise that an omnipotent voice was NOT the best way to represent London during the Industrial Revolution. I am a layered pastiche of voices. I realise that ‘sampling’ is the new ‘original.’ I use short, truncated sentences. They can be very effective.