Christmas Cards.

You know those piss-weak, self-indulgent, christmas cards that you get every year from over achieving families (usually people that your parents used to hang out but haven't seen since back in the days when people smoked inside at parties, or you are distantly related to through marriage). They suck. Here's mine for 05'

Season's Greetings and Happy New Year from James Ross-Edwards incorporated!

I hope you have all had as fruitful a year as everyone at J.R-Einc has!
Just to let you know just how proud we are of James, and all his achievements, we thought we would take some time out from silly-season festivities to list every single step James has done this year, in the process hopefully making you feel like an under-achieving twat.

2005 started with a literal bang this year as James bumped his head while drunk in a tiny, dank hostel/motor Inn in Canada that he called home for three months. Being an outdoorsy traveller type, there was no pinning him down, spending the best part of January and February unblocking toilets in the worst 3.5 star hotel in Whistler! On the occasions that he actually did go skiing with (insert friends names here) he enjoyed it immensely saying often that 'my favourite part is lunch'.

After a brief trip to the city that never sleeps, James made a stop off to catch up with his younger brother Pubes who has spent this year living in Ireland. James soaked up the atmosphere in Ireland, quickly learning that you do not get thrown out of pubs for vomiting inside and that 'gypsy's don't like being called "Pikey's"' it was time to get back down-under and take legal action against Guy Ritchie.

The low flying buzz of the march-fly signalled the start of James' third and final year studying arts at the University of Sydney. Politically minded from his fantastic upbringing, James involved himself actively in the STOP VSU campaign, finding that the best way to get the message across was to sit quietly at the back nodding in agreement but not getting to close...Everyone knows that hippies smell like crap. Throwing himself back into University life, James was involved in (insert clubs and soc names here), and needless to say was often a little too familiar with some of the 'more social' aspects of university life (insert pause for understanding chuckle from baby boomers whose education was paid for, and thus had way more money to spend on booze).

James still works as a bartender at the infamous Albert's tavern, and is said to have a top rapport with staff and customers alike: 'James not only sucks the marrow out of life, but also the fun out of a workplace and the tar out of cigarettes'.

James' year was also filled with a visit to Perth, in which some Hari Krishna's tried to poison him and some guy in a pub called him a 'queer bastard' as a stab at his highly acclaimed boy-george style fringe. With a BA behind him, our young hero is thinking of getting a job this year as a CEO or maybe a heart surgeon.

(This is the part of the christmas card, in which the family/individual pretty much just squeezes anything they think could sound respectable/credible, and thus invoking jealousy)
Oh yeah, did I mention that James met (insert band members names here), has no problem getting into (name cool bars/nightclubs) here. I wish he could be hear to sign this card now but he's down on Crown St posing and telling people that he knows the Banggang DJs and is somehow related to one of the guys from Sneaky Sound System... Did I mention that he knows someone at Cabana bar...so any 18 year old girls, he can't get you in, but if he eventually buys a collared shirt and a pair of shit square toed leather shoes then maybe he'll see you in there eh?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all,
Hopefully catch up with you all very soon (hopefully this letter has made you want to catch up with me more... By sending you this card I'm probably just gloating about my achievements or want something from you.)

James Ross-Edwards Incorporated
xoxo

21 years in Freddy Mercury's shadow

It was my 21st birthday last Saturday.
Just another year that I have not yet achieved my life goal of making it into the social pages in the Sun-Herald. I like to think that all is not lost though, I have made progress.

Alot has happened this year though, I would be lying if I pretended that it was a vacuous space of nothingness. I finished uni, got a radio show, learnt how to drive a forklift, picked up the phrase 'whatever, get over it', stopped saying the 'c word' so much...I'm not sure about my social skills, I have either become more awkward - or maybe have stayed the same but have begun to realise that I should make the decision to either shut or open my mouth and go with it. Halfway town is frequently the wrong place to be.

My last birthday was spent in the hallway at a disgusting hostel in Canada, this one was at home... Props and love to the few consistencies!
- Brad
- Annika
- Booze
- Peter Stuyvesant

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my life for the first 21 years. I couldn't have done it without you all. Notable mentions to PUBES who is still swanning around in Ireland with his best mate Tim Rogers - I will see you soon Pubie... Also I hear Beaver got a ton! That's good isn't it Pubes? Ps. Cheers for the perfect present, a fiver in a card.

In regard to Saturday night:
Also rans go to Brad, Sam, Adam and Will (not Spencer and Anderson) for insisting that we keep drinking until 7:40am at Vegas in Kings Cross... It was just like old times, except we used to have souls... Also to Ng, Emma, Nick and Andy, soul-less freaks indeed.

Last but certainly not least, Annika, for contending with me and Brad, the two most inadequate tour guides ever. People from Sydney should know more about their own city than people from Perth. Also for my present, which is the coolest thing I've ever got.

So cheers, I'm off to go find my own style... or I might just copy the Strokes, cos noone else has done that yet.

Anyway, please comment. (there's a shit load to comment on here, trust me... If you don't think this post was funny, go back and read it again.)