1. Commission myself to write a feature article entitled "Zines: Awesome and Totally Raw."
Intro: A 'zine is an informal, self-published, self-distributed form of press. 'Zines are AWESOME and TOTALLY RAW because they don't have to conform to bourgeois demands of the traditional press. Another good thing about 'zines is... (tbc)
2. A story in which two Chinese/French men are saying rude sexual things about an attractive lady (poss. supermodel). The lady turns around in the street to face them, flicking her hair before responding equally rudely in the foreign language. (This is funny because the Chinese/French men were in Australia and assumed that their sexist dialogue would not be understood). Their embarrassment is made only worse when the lady holds up her pinky finger, symbolically according them small penises. (All the while her hair is blowing like she is in a wind tunnel, she looks really hot).
3. A small joke ending in a man suggesting an "over-the-pants-handjob" to another man. Neither of there sexualities should be mentioned, leaving readers to draw their own conclusions.
4. Ambitious and forced opinion/humour piece about Gen Y. (Poss. submit to SMH Radar first).
5. 'Surviving the HSC and beyond'
- Feature article in which I will interview three people who left school in the last 5-8 years. One will now be commencing a PhD (and loving it!), one will have ended up getting a trade/traineeship in hospitality and now be a manager (and loving it!) and one will rave about how eye-opening their GAP year was: so eye-opening.
* NB Commission 300wd piece to be used as sidebar on how to fit in at uni/make the social transition/live in a hilarious sharehouse (poss. Tim Brunero?).
6. Make up a conversation that I had with a narrow-minded person and write it down.
7. Make up a conversation I had with Stephen and write it down.
8. An extract from my House fan-fiction (written under pseudonym, "Frank Sartor")
House is staring out the window, you can tell he has been thinking because he has been tapping his cane against the soles of his Nikes the way he always does. With no warning he snaps out of his coma-like state and gravely states, "the mother's a heroin addict."
"No way! She's the mayor, she's a pillar of the community!" says the girl who deep down is in love with House.
"That's ridiculous," says Billy from Neighbours curtly. "You can't say that about Mayor Robertson! She'll cut our funding and we'll all be sacked!"
"OK, sure pretty boy," says House sarcastically. "We'll do it your way, you can give her the biopsy, the little girl will die and you'll be sacked anyway."
Normally, such a threat would be viewed seriously by Hospital administration, but House followed a very different set of rules to... (tbc)
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Grey's Anatomy fan fiction by Stephen:
Meredith wakes up in bed with Mc---y (gleam? ream? Kareem?), the new hot pharmacist. The black doctor is all like "oh no you di'int" when Meredith arrives late and hung over. George walks into the room, sees Izzy and walks out. The asian doctor walks in and sees the black doctor and walks out. The red haired doctor walks in, sees Meredith, Dr Sheppard (the male one) and Dr Sheppard's old best friend and they all walk out. The black doctor is left on her own, with a patient who needs the world's rarest form of surgery. Everyone wants to "scrub in". No one dies.
After the first ad break in House, by francis:
The heroin test has come back negative. The entire staff of the hospital except House is sitting around a blackboard brainstorming diseases. 'The patient has a swollen elbow and a rash shaped like a fish,' explains the black guy. 'Maybe she's pregnant?' suggests the girly one.
Cut to hospital where the patient is now convulsing and everything is beeping. House walks in and firmly slaps her across the face. The girly doctor looks outraged, but clearly it has worked anyway.
Back in House's office he leans on his cane. 'We have to stop it before it spreads to her brain!' exclaims the black doctor. 'If you can't beat em, join em,' says House. The black doctor looks puzzled. House sits back in his chair and calmly explains, 'We have to perform a frontal lobotomy.'
Surely 6 and 7 are one and the same thing...
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