Offensive AND Irrelevant.

Originally published for The Vine


Ever since I started writing in this (somewhat) more public forum, I’ve begun feeling The Pressure. When you go to post something here it basically asks you ‘is this offensive?’ and ‘is this relevant?’

In my previous experience, a good piece of writing combines offensiveness and irrelevance in a way that doesn’t require two seperate questions. A better measure would be to ask ‘will this upset Peter Fitzsimons?’ (I don’t care much for Peter Fitzsimons.).

So the fall out of what I will call ‘The Peter Fitzsimons Debacle,’ is that I have three – perfectly offensive and irrelevant – articles completed, but nothing to post here.

Luckily for me, I carry a dictaphone everywhere I go. This way I can record the conversations I have with friends when I ask, ‘is this offensive and inappropriate?’

Here are a few of these Conversations:


1.
“Did you read the story I wrote for The Vine yet?”

“I did.”

“Thoughts?”

“Well the title was relevant – ‘Farewell Conan.’”

“Yeah, I wanted it to be topical. I was even thinking of putting a picture of Conan O’Brien there, so people would know to click my story.”

“Then why did you write Schapelle Corby fan-fiction again, James?"

"You said 'write what you know.' Don't say crap like that then be all 'oh my God, why would you do that!'"

"There's no such thing as being '200% naked,' by the way."

2.

“I just don’t think you should be putting up stories about you punching pregnant women. It’s a bad look.”

“It’s pregnant WOMAN – singular. And I didn’t actually punch them. I just wanted to.”

3.

“I don’t get it. What about this story is ‘postmodern’?”

“Let me tell you a little something about postmodernism, friend.”

“Jesus.”

“Postmodernism is like a book. A book that talks about writing itself, and also tells a combination of true things and lies."

"Did you just go to a first year philosophy lecture or something?"