Originally published in full on The Vine
To experience Chat Roulette, click here
So, I keep a Word Doc entitled ‘Writing-WIP.doc’ open at all times. This is where I write my weekly blog posts. During the course of the week I type bits Here and There, usually culminating in a collection of words I deem suitable to post.
However, this week was different. I was introduced to ChatRoulette.com. I am not very good at explaining things, but basically, it is a place where you video-chat with strangers/their penises. They are sometimes (often) masturbating.
Every time I started writing some paragraphs, I’d get a nervous feeling in my stomach. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure this feeling was telling me:
You are about to minimise the Microsoft Word window.
You will open a new Firefox tab.
You will type www.chatroulette.com, then hit enter.
You will spend at least 20 minutes here.
Your feelings will be kind of hurt when dudes give you an annoyed look, then cut you off.
Your most meaningful interaction will be when you exchange corresponding East Coast/West Coast hand gestures with a white guy wearing undies and a motorbike helmet.
You will, briefly, wish that you were a hot chick.
This process was repeated at least twice every night from Tuesday to Friday. Each time I came back to the story I was writing, the weight of the online world had crushed me, I could not continue.
Now…
I’m not either naïve nor clever enough to have a definitive opinion on the latest(ish) social network ‘thing’ (excluding Buzz, I s’pose). The only thing I’m certain of is the enormous amount of annoying existential outcry/debate that will be generated.
These will be divided into many categories, which I will generalise into two:
1. Earnest bloggers/thinkers who get all academic and web 2.0 about everything.
These people range from a little bit tiresome, to a little bit The Worst. Their articles always have those full-sentence titles with terms like ‘Debunking’ and ‘Unpacking Communities’ and colons and semi-colons and shit.
Alain de Botton will Tweet about how everything is pretty sad but also pretty not sad too. Everyone will agree.
Furious discussion will rage in the New Media until Chat Roulette is deemed mainstream and boring, which is usually the exact day the SMH run a story about it.
2. On the other end of the spectrum is the dismissive ‘get a life’ types. They refuse to do Twitter ‘cos it’s 'just like Facebook statuses' - Chat Roulette doesn't stand a chance.
Them: ‘Why would I want to just look at guy's dicks? It’s disgusting.’
Me: ‘Don’t you find it interesting at all? I mean, like, that you are just connected face-to-face with complete strangers?’
Them: ‘I have A LIFE with ACTUAL FRIENDS, I don’t need to talk to look at some psycho on the internet.’
Me: ‘Do I need to debunk this for you again?’
So in conclusion, all I have really said is that the extreme attitudes to Chat Roulette/anything online at either end of the spectrum are annoying... In hindsight, this is not very insightful.
We know nothing more about Chat Roulette or its role in the zeitgeist than we did at the start of this blog post.
There’s only one thing for certain. I’d rather feel nervous all the time and look at internet dicks than watch Good News Week. I mean, what a bunch of dicks fuckwits, right?
Friday, April 09, 2010
Some Translated Quotes II
Originally published on The Vine
Read the first Translated Quotes
"Stay off our beaches!" Said the Southern Cross tattoo.
"Something with the same effect as your Nan saying 'fingerblast'." Said Judith Lucy.
“A general statement about life that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the beer brand.
“A general statement about life (Ft. V-neck t-shirts) that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the low carb beer brand.
“Braggy article, [ad for bad Euro fashion], braggy article.” Said Monocle Magazine.
"A temporary solution to a permanent problem." Said the keys to a brand new Porsche Boxster.
“A band name that is either a single noun or includes a reference to surfing.” Said Pitchfork.
“Poorly researched, swear-y feature about [insert subculture] in [insert developing country].” Said Vice Magazine.
“A string of facts about my life in short, stupid sentences.” Said the sportsperson’s ghostwriter.
“Something boring that may be critically acclaimed.” Said Dave Eggers.
“You’re feeling nostalgic for an Australia you weren’t even alive to see, aren’t you?” Said Eddy Current Suppression Ring.
“I live in Newtown.” Said a greying rockabilly fringe.
“I live in Newtown, with my partner, who is also female.” Said jeans with no back pockets.
These are my favourites from the readers of bigcoronasortinymen.blogspot.com! (Thanks guys!)
“He's made a lot of peace in a fortnight.” Said the Nobel Prize Committee
"Two completely unrelated words or syllables." Said band names of the 90s.
"Comment aimed at desperately trying to create awareness about ourselves and the umbrage we've taken rather than actually standing up for XYZ cause." Said XYZ Rights Activist Group
"It's really nice to talk to you again, but as soon as my cooler friends show, we're back to ignoring each other again, right?" Said a Cricketer’s Arms regular.
Read the first Translated Quotes
"Stay off our beaches!" Said the Southern Cross tattoo.
"Something with the same effect as your Nan saying 'fingerblast'." Said Judith Lucy.
“A general statement about life that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the beer brand.
“A general statement about life (Ft. V-neck t-shirts) that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the low carb beer brand.
“Braggy article, [ad for bad Euro fashion], braggy article.” Said Monocle Magazine.
"A temporary solution to a permanent problem." Said the keys to a brand new Porsche Boxster.
“A band name that is either a single noun or includes a reference to surfing.” Said Pitchfork.
“Poorly researched, swear-y feature about [insert subculture] in [insert developing country].” Said Vice Magazine.
“A string of facts about my life in short, stupid sentences.” Said the sportsperson’s ghostwriter.
“Something boring that may be critically acclaimed.” Said Dave Eggers.
“You’re feeling nostalgic for an Australia you weren’t even alive to see, aren’t you?” Said Eddy Current Suppression Ring.
“I live in Newtown.” Said a greying rockabilly fringe.
“I live in Newtown, with my partner, who is also female.” Said jeans with no back pockets.
These are my favourites from the readers of bigcoronasortinymen.blogspot.com! (Thanks guys!)
“He's made a lot of peace in a fortnight.” Said the Nobel Prize Committee
"Two completely unrelated words or syllables." Said band names of the 90s.
"Comment aimed at desperately trying to create awareness about ourselves and the umbrage we've taken rather than actually standing up for XYZ cause." Said XYZ Rights Activist Group
"It's really nice to talk to you again, but as soon as my cooler friends show, we're back to ignoring each other again, right?" Said a Cricketer’s Arms regular.
Offensive AND Irrelevant.
Originally published for The Vine
Ever since I started writing in this (somewhat) more public forum, I’ve begun feeling The Pressure. When you go to post something here it basically asks you ‘is this offensive?’ and ‘is this relevant?’
In my previous experience, a good piece of writing combines offensiveness and irrelevance in a way that doesn’t require two seperate questions. A better measure would be to ask ‘will this upset Peter Fitzsimons?’ (I don’t care much for Peter Fitzsimons.).
So the fall out of what I will call ‘The Peter Fitzsimons Debacle,’ is that I have three – perfectly offensive and irrelevant – articles completed, but nothing to post here.
Luckily for me, I carry a dictaphone everywhere I go. This way I can record the conversations I have with friends when I ask, ‘is this offensive and inappropriate?’
Here are a few of these Conversations:
1.
“Did you read the story I wrote for The Vine yet?”
“I did.”
“Thoughts?”
“Well the title was relevant – ‘Farewell Conan.’”
“Yeah, I wanted it to be topical. I was even thinking of putting a picture of Conan O’Brien there, so people would know to click my story.”
“Then why did you write Schapelle Corby fan-fiction again, James?"
"You said 'write what you know.' Don't say crap like that then be all 'oh my God, why would you do that!'"
"There's no such thing as being '200% naked,' by the way."
2.
“I just don’t think you should be putting up stories about you punching pregnant women. It’s a bad look.”
“It’s pregnant WOMAN – singular. And I didn’t actually punch them. I just wanted to.”
3.
“I don’t get it. What about this story is ‘postmodern’?”
“Let me tell you a little something about postmodernism, friend.”
“Jesus.”
“Postmodernism is like a book. A book that talks about writing itself, and also tells a combination of true things and lies."
"Did you just go to a first year philosophy lecture or something?"
Ever since I started writing in this (somewhat) more public forum, I’ve begun feeling The Pressure. When you go to post something here it basically asks you ‘is this offensive?’ and ‘is this relevant?’
In my previous experience, a good piece of writing combines offensiveness and irrelevance in a way that doesn’t require two seperate questions. A better measure would be to ask ‘will this upset Peter Fitzsimons?’ (I don’t care much for Peter Fitzsimons.).
So the fall out of what I will call ‘The Peter Fitzsimons Debacle,’ is that I have three – perfectly offensive and irrelevant – articles completed, but nothing to post here.
Luckily for me, I carry a dictaphone everywhere I go. This way I can record the conversations I have with friends when I ask, ‘is this offensive and inappropriate?’
Here are a few of these Conversations:
1.
“Did you read the story I wrote for The Vine yet?”
“I did.”
“Thoughts?”
“Well the title was relevant – ‘Farewell Conan.’”
“Yeah, I wanted it to be topical. I was even thinking of putting a picture of Conan O’Brien there, so people would know to click my story.”
“Then why did you write Schapelle Corby fan-fiction again, James?"
"You said 'write what you know.' Don't say crap like that then be all 'oh my God, why would you do that!'"
"There's no such thing as being '200% naked,' by the way."
2.
“I just don’t think you should be putting up stories about you punching pregnant women. It’s a bad look.”
“It’s pregnant WOMAN – singular. And I didn’t actually punch them. I just wanted to.”
3.
“I don’t get it. What about this story is ‘postmodern’?”
“Let me tell you a little something about postmodernism, friend.”
“Jesus.”
“Postmodernism is like a book. A book that talks about writing itself, and also tells a combination of true things and lies."
"Did you just go to a first year philosophy lecture or something?"
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