All In Fucken Italics

“He’s a good bloke. Fuck!”

“Not saying he’s not, mate. Just saying he doesn’t know who he is. It’s not a great trait, ya know?”

“‘Doesn’t know who he is.’ You sound like such a pleased cunt when you say that. Just ‘cos you, fucken, found a brand of pants you like - you reckon you’re heaps ‘aware.’”

“Nah-”

“You do! You’ve fully got a compendium under your bed with your personal brand guidelines written down... All fucken journal entries, titles all written in italics: ‘Do I use the word “dude” in Tweets?’ ‘Should I commit to never wearing shoes without laces, ever again?’ You’re a toilet, mate. You’re a toilet with a journal about his own personal brand guidelines - and that’s not a great trait. Is it?”

“My voice doesn’t sound like that.”

Trying to write like Stan - Part 2

What Stan’s version of a ‘gym’ is.

Dimly lit. Neat rows of dumbells and brown medicine balls, ascending left to right according to weight. A kettle, but no sink. There is a hand-drawn ‘No Smoking’ sign, and also a full ashtray,

In the toilet, men project browny-yellow arcs onto porcelain. The basin is tiny - the kettle has to go sideways to get under the tap. You can never get it more than half full before it spills. Like a public bar’s gents, there is no mirror.

-

“Whattta think?” I said. “Thoughts?”
“It was okay.”
“Yeah?”
“I didn’t like the mirror bit. Describing something by what it’s not - he just wouldn’t do that. You’re trying too hard.”
“So I’m a tryhard?”
“Yeah. You’re a tryhard.”

Trying to write like Stan - Part 1.

You and Stan aren’t talking about the same ‘gym.’

“Just because certain words mean certain things to you, doesn’t mean it's the same for everyone else. We all lead different lives.

In Melbourne a sauna's a brothel ya know? In Adelaide a pint is only the size of a schooner unless you say 'imperial' - anyway - In Hervey Bay a schooner's a fucken boat. Different things, signifiers.”

He paused to light a cigarette.

“Fucken. If you pissed yourself, I’d say you’d pissed yourself.” He said. “Doesn’t mean Stan'd say it like that.”

I stared at my chewed up thumbnail. “What would Stan say?”

“He’d say that you’d ‘done a piss inside your pants.’”

“Then what would he say?”

“He'd say you're a twit.”

Jesus. I know that guy.

I know Jesus.

He’s from the Northern Beaches. He wears jean-shorts - not cut-offs, proper shorts - and Reef sandals. He mostly hangs with the new-age Christian crowd. We have mutual friends from high school.

Every time I bump into him (once every year or two, usually at a house party) I’m in a group conversation where I’m saying terrible things about people or internet sex tapes or the word ‘cunt.’

He always goes all polite and quiet. I think partly ‘cos he doesn’t have much to add, but also ‘cos he doesn’t want to seem uptight and godly. It’s unfortunate - my funny swears are wasted on him.

He’s a hard person to talk to. I always want to bring up how fucked Everything is, but he doesn’t relate to my cynicism - and I end up having to backpedal. EG:

Jesus: I saw Rodney last week.
James: Fucken Rodney! How is he? Nice bloke!
Jesus: He's great man! Was really nice to see him.
James: Yeah totally... He’s about 10% evil though, hey.
Jesus: -
James: You don’t see that? He’s way too sincere I reckon. There’s gotta be something wrong with him. Like, a 15 year old girlfriend or something.
Jesus: Um, really?
James: Nah nah, he just has no real backstory. Throws a bit of a ‘moved to Darwin’ vibe, you know?
Jesus: -
James: Like, for example, I wouldn’t be suprised to hear he had, like, fully assaulted someone in the past.
Jesus: You heard that?
James: Nah, I just made that up as an example.
Jesus: Umm, I don’t really-
James: Sorry, forget about it. He’s a really good dude. I’d love to catch up with him soon.
Jesus: Cool...

Different wavelengths I s’pose. Fucken’ Jesus, you know?

Single-minded proposition.

I started working as an advertising creative a little while back. It changes the way you think about things, advertising. The general aim is to reduce messaging to a simple, single-minded idea or proposition.

EG1: “This ute is unbreakable. Even if an animated cow and a bull were having sex in it, it still wouldn’t break!”

EG2: “All low carb beers are for girls. Except this one.

Once you’ve done this successfully, you can pretty much say anything. You can even use a Joanna Newsom song! Often, I forget that the whole world isn’t as single-minded as I’m frequently required to see it.

Here is one of those instances:

So, I was walking to work - past the Mosque on Commonwealth Ave. It was during Ramadan, so there were heaps of Islamic families hovering around. It had a similar buzz to the morning teas that happens after a service at my Nan’s church - except no biscuits or cordial.

I felt smug: ‘Look at me. It’s a lovely day, my pants are rolled up, and I’m genuinely enjoying the cultural diversity that surrounds me!

I crossed the road, and continued into Hyde Park, where, in addition the usual stuff, I noticed a bearded man doing a wee on the base of the War Memorial. My pace slowed as the significance of what I was saw set in.

All of a sudden, I began internally using my Bachelor of Arts:

“Woah - that is VERY unacceptable. Both my grandfather’s fought in that thing. You DON’T piss on the War Memorial.”
“That’s true. But look at the dude - he probably doesn’t even know where he is. After all, he’s got his dick out in public.”
“Is it wrong to sneak a look at his face - to try deducing his a) level sobriety and b) ethnicity? I mean, it’s way harder to condemn people of different circumstances- Shit... I’ve gone and confused myself.”
“He’s almost definitely mentally ill and/or drunk. The situation’s way more sad than anything else. I’d leave it at that.”
“Agreed.”

Suddenly, a dude walking behind began saying stuff to the urinator: “Fucking disgusting... It’s some raghead c---... The c--- deserves to die.”

This shocked me, as even at a glance, the guy definitely did not appear to be of middle eastern origin. “Wow.” I thought. “What’s worse? Pissing on the War Memorial, or saying that sort of stuff to a person?”

I turned around to see a white male in a suit, saying that stuff into a bluetooth headset.
Relief washed over me. The universe had provided a catalyst.

Single-minded proposition: Don’t wear bluetooth headsets.

Chat Roulette Killed My Blogging Steez

Originally published in full on The Vine
To experience Chat Roulette, click here

So, I keep a Word Doc entitled ‘Writing-WIP.doc’ open at all times. This is where I write my weekly blog posts. During the course of the week I type bits Here and There, usually culminating in a collection of words I deem suitable to post.

However, this week was different. I was introduced to ChatRoulette.com. I am not very good at explaining things, but basically, it is a place where you video-chat with strangers/their penises. They are sometimes (often) masturbating.

Every time I started writing some paragraphs, I’d get a nervous feeling in my stomach. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure this feeling was telling me:

You are about to minimise the Microsoft Word window.
You will open a new Firefox tab.
You will type www.chatroulette.com, then hit enter.
You will spend at least 20 minutes here.
Your feelings will be kind of hurt when dudes give you an annoyed look, then cut you off.
Your most meaningful interaction will be when you exchange corresponding East Coast/West Coast hand gestures with a white guy wearing undies and a motorbike helmet.
You will, briefly, wish that you were a hot chick.

This process was repeated at least twice every night from Tuesday to Friday. Each time I came back to the story I was writing, the weight of the online world had crushed me, I could not continue.

Now…

I’m not either naïve nor clever enough to have a definitive opinion on the latest(ish) social network ‘thing’ (excluding Buzz, I s’pose). The only thing I’m certain of is the enormous amount of annoying existential outcry/debate that will be generated.

These will be divided into many categories, which I will generalise into two:

1. Earnest bloggers/thinkers who get all academic and web 2.0 about everything.

These people range from a little bit tiresome, to a little bit The Worst. Their articles always have those full-sentence titles with terms like ‘Debunking’ and ‘Unpacking Communities’ and colons and semi-colons and shit.

Alain de Botton will Tweet about how everything is pretty sad but also pretty not sad too. Everyone will agree.

Furious discussion will rage in the New Media until Chat Roulette is deemed mainstream and boring, which is usually the exact day the SMH run a story about it.


2. On the other end of the spectrum is the dismissive ‘get a life’ types. They refuse to do Twitter ‘cos it’s 'just like Facebook statuses' - Chat Roulette doesn't stand a chance.

Them: ‘Why would I want to just look at guy's dicks? It’s disgusting.’

Me: ‘Don’t you find it interesting at all? I mean, like, that you are just connected face-to-face with complete strangers?’

Them: ‘I have A LIFE with ACTUAL FRIENDS, I don’t need to talk to look at some psycho on the internet.’

Me: ‘Do I need to debunk this for you again?’



So in conclusion, all I have really said is that the extreme attitudes to Chat Roulette/anything online at either end of the spectrum are annoying... In hindsight, this is not very insightful.

We know nothing more about Chat Roulette or its role in the zeitgeist than we did at the start of this blog post.

There’s only one thing for certain. I’d rather feel nervous all the time and look at internet dicks than watch Good News Week. I mean, what a bunch of dicks fuckwits, right?

Some Translated Quotes II

Originally published on The Vine
Read the first Translated Quotes

"Stay off our beaches!" Said the Southern Cross tattoo.

"Something with the same effect as your Nan saying 'fingerblast'." Said Judith Lucy.

“A general statement about life that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the beer brand.

“A general statement about life (Ft. V-neck t-shirts) that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the low carb beer brand.

“Braggy article, [ad for bad Euro fashion], braggy article.” Said Monocle Magazine.

"A temporary solution to a permanent problem." Said the keys to a brand new Porsche Boxster.

“A band name that is either a single noun or includes a reference to surfing.” Said Pitchfork.

“Poorly researched, swear-y feature about [insert subculture] in [insert developing country].” Said Vice Magazine.

“A string of facts about my life in short, stupid sentences.” Said the sportsperson’s ghostwriter.

“Something boring that may be critically acclaimed.” Said Dave Eggers.

“You’re feeling nostalgic for an Australia you weren’t even alive to see, aren’t you?” Said Eddy Current Suppression Ring.

“I live in Newtown.” Said a greying rockabilly fringe.

“I live in Newtown, with my partner, who is also female.” Said jeans with no back pockets.

These are my favourites from the readers of bigcoronasortinymen.blogspot.com! (Thanks guys!)

“He's made a lot of peace in a fortnight.” Said the Nobel Prize Committee

"Two completely unrelated words or syllables." Said band names of the 90s.

"Comment aimed at desperately trying to create awareness about ourselves and the umbrage we've taken rather than actually standing up for XYZ cause." Said XYZ Rights Activist Group

"It's really nice to talk to you again, but as soon as my cooler friends show, we're back to ignoring each other again, right?" Said a Cricketer’s Arms regular.

Offensive AND Irrelevant.

Originally published for The Vine


Ever since I started writing in this (somewhat) more public forum, I’ve begun feeling The Pressure. When you go to post something here it basically asks you ‘is this offensive?’ and ‘is this relevant?’

In my previous experience, a good piece of writing combines offensiveness and irrelevance in a way that doesn’t require two seperate questions. A better measure would be to ask ‘will this upset Peter Fitzsimons?’ (I don’t care much for Peter Fitzsimons.).

So the fall out of what I will call ‘The Peter Fitzsimons Debacle,’ is that I have three – perfectly offensive and irrelevant – articles completed, but nothing to post here.

Luckily for me, I carry a dictaphone everywhere I go. This way I can record the conversations I have with friends when I ask, ‘is this offensive and inappropriate?’

Here are a few of these Conversations:


1.
“Did you read the story I wrote for The Vine yet?”

“I did.”

“Thoughts?”

“Well the title was relevant – ‘Farewell Conan.’”

“Yeah, I wanted it to be topical. I was even thinking of putting a picture of Conan O’Brien there, so people would know to click my story.”

“Then why did you write Schapelle Corby fan-fiction again, James?"

"You said 'write what you know.' Don't say crap like that then be all 'oh my God, why would you do that!'"

"There's no such thing as being '200% naked,' by the way."

2.

“I just don’t think you should be putting up stories about you punching pregnant women. It’s a bad look.”

“It’s pregnant WOMAN – singular. And I didn’t actually punch them. I just wanted to.”

3.

“I don’t get it. What about this story is ‘postmodern’?”

“Let me tell you a little something about postmodernism, friend.”

“Jesus.”

“Postmodernism is like a book. A book that talks about writing itself, and also tells a combination of true things and lies."

"Did you just go to a first year philosophy lecture or something?"

Translated quotes.

"Extremely confrontational and disturbing grab at attention, of which humour is the intended byproduct." Said John Safran.

"Smug smug [Aboriginal word] smug [traditional landowners] smug." Said John Butler.

"Something very funny, for a female." Said Tina Fey.

"RT @myotheraccount: Something funny I said before." Said the self-promoters.

"Remember Merrick & Rosso in like, 99? A bit like that." Said Scott Dooley.

"Another Monday, another public apology for the gross sexual misconduct of others." Said David Gallop.

"Something inspired but obvious in a newly gentrified suburb." Said the (sydney) magazine.

"My own appropriation of Richie Benaud's voice, but with swear words." Said The Twelfth Man.

"Slightly irritating, but infallibly accurate prose, y'all." Said Carles.

"Slightly irritating, and irrelevant prose." Said Sam de Brito.

"A joke in the same realm as 'man's voice raising an octave after he is hit in crotch.'" Said Rove McManus.

"What it was like growing up as a druggy hardcore kid with Catholic guilt, in a way that makes you wish you were there." Said The Hold Steady.

"A series of statements and interviews that make it quite apparent that I don't really 'get me' yet." Said Ruby Rose.

"Cute reference, cute reference, cute reference, cute reference!" Said the bike-riding girls of Surry Hills.

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nunc sagittis tortor nec est aliquam vitae egestas tellus ornare. Sed tempor justo convallis lacus ornare dictum." Said Andrew G.

"Heaps boring description." Said Tim Winton.

"The same thing I said on Glass House three years ago - made to sound spontaneous by my desperation and visible anxiety." Said Wil Anderson.

"Lifted directly from AAP, but with a fresh spelling mistake of our own." Said SMH online.

"Come hang with me on Sunday, or you will burn for all eternity." Said the new wave of Christian teenagers.

"SEO." Said the earnest social media expert.

"LOL." Said the earnest social media expert.

"A stack of longneck bottles with some ironing boards and crap I found welded all together." Said a Contemporary Artist.

"Lateral humour inside layered meta-narratives, all the while apologising for being so self-conscious of everything that has come before us." Said McSweeneys.

"Something down-to-earth as I casually wander by. Probably around Five-Ways." Said Hugo Weaving.

"(Complete silence since '08)." Said Samantha Brett.

---

* Did I miss anything? Feel free to add them in the comments.

(This is my first attempt at 'crowd-sourcing content.' I feel a bit weird.)

The act of Sedaris-ing a job interview.

I am putting together my 'book' to try and get a 'proper job.'

It has been recommended that I put some of my own writing in, to get some idea of who I am. I already know who I am (sick writer/heaps funny).

I have spent some time recently trying to curate a selection of work from this blog, to put in an A3 folder so I can show it to people who don't really have the time/patience to read it.

Ideally I would replace the A3 folder with a podium and the Creative Director with a Recital Hall full of pleased people in glasses aged 20-40.

*Literary technique: narrative voice shifts to focus inward.*

Me just up on stage in a tie. A bunch of things I'd written printed out and tucked into my shirt pocket. Crowd all clapping and excited to hear me read things out.

So I get on stage and start just freestyle talking. I'm just riffing on pop culture and strange mannerisms - Jesus is my family weird, by the way. Did you know that I used to work - get this - in the middle of the night! I slept all day! Isn't that super depressing?

Did I mention that they flew in Corinne Grant just to warm up the crowd and ask me a few questions? Brendan Cowell was there too man. Tonight was seminal. Tonight was one of those nights that you have to submit a copy of to the State Library.

So I finish my bit and wait a few moments. I can here a guy in the back repeatedly yelling: 'He couldn't have used more correct words to say those things!'

Judith Lucy joins me back on stage for the Q&A bit of the evening. I'm a bit worried she's going to make a joke about masturbating. Thankfully she just gets on with the questions:

'So what kind of job are you after?'
'Ah, copywriter. As junior as possible, please.'

The Recession is CANCELLED.

I wandered through to a pretty courtyard area out the back, and took a seat. There was a student-looking girl reading a dog-eared paperback. I sat there for a full 10 minutes before realising that you're meant to order at the counter. I gave the student girl a quick smile as to say: 'ya reckon you and Dostoevsky can watch my possessions while I go order a coffee? Thank you.*'

*Don't you think I could write for a weekend newspaper supplement? I think I could. So that's what I'm doing now. My first column is going to be about how other parents (I have two small children) turn up their nose when we arrive at birthday parties with vintage presents. Of course, our close inner-city circle are on the same page, it's the corporate, straight-laced friends friends that don't get it.

Me: I have an aesthetic. I know what I want.

Them: What's that? I'm so uncreative.

Me: I know. I'm actually pretty suprised we're friends.

---

A big thank you to everyone who has dropped by BCorTM for a monthly-ish (formerly fortnightly-ish) dose of Recession-based words. I can't believe I've been writing about the Global Financial Crisis since, like, May 2005?

I'm sad to shut this blog down. It is (directly or indirectly) responsible for every piece of writing I have ever done. From the time I tried to write like Douglas Adams, to the time I tried to write like David Sedaris, to the time I tried to write like Patrick White, to the time I tried to post a photo of David from BB06 - BCorTM has been my vehicle.

'What a gay vehicle,' people said.

So I looked The Presets directly in the eye and said: 'get off the stage and say that, The Presets.'

James Vs The Recession V

The month of June was great for me. I forgot about The Recession.

Not only did I not post/fight – I relaxed. I let my shoulders slump into the ‘freelance space’ I keep in the gap between the hot water system and the indoor clothes rack.

No longer did I get down on my knees to urinate for fear of making noise. I abandoned the dread associated with living life as a failed smug artisan* and relaxed into my new position as Founder & Creative Director of An Actual Arts Festival (AAF)!

I couldn’t believe what I had achieved. I had fallen into a position that only people who shop/eat at Fratelli Fresh/Dank St Depot could ever hope to appreciate. Creative Director! That is like the ‘parsnip confit’ of jobs. I actually have a reasonable chance of being asked what my favourite things are by the Good Weekend!** I was overjoyed. I waved my arms in the air, running laps of the house, screaming.
‘This must be what it’s like to be married to Cate Blanchett!’

The harsh reality:
The full impact of the Recession has yet to even hit us. My festival is in serious danger of having to cut the exhibition of light sculptures I commissioned from the singer from Anthony & The Johnsons. In addition, my proposal to hold the display in Eveleigh St, Redfern has been met with a degree of criticism (mostly from the white community, it should be noted).

The solution:
Please, don’t relax. The Recession is hard for all of us – particularly those of us working with budgetary constraints of an international Arts event. We must be constantly looking over our shoulders? Always remember: air is for nervously breathing, life is for cautiously living, bone is for sucking the marrow out of on the proviso it is non-cancerous. And just like Clover Moore says at the beginning of every AAF meeting: ‘it isn’t a dick measuring contest, James.’

-

*Do you have University-level knowledge of cheeses, but get paid $18.70 an hour to stand behind a counter at Simon Johnson/Thomas Dux/etc – your eager advice falling on disinterested, upwardly mobile ears?
Are you willing to stir an ‘old fashioned’ for 15 minutes, even when out on the rack on ‘hospo Mondays’?
Do you hide the packets of Equal in your workplace because it’s about ‘training the customer?’

**This has been very hard to pick… You don’t want to be pretentious, but then you really do. The basic rule of thumb (I have discussed this with Brendan Cowell, and several other Cs) is to pick something old and ‘grandparenty’ as your number one… Don’t open with, like, a bespoke red resin bathtub by Dinosaur Designs (you’ll look like a complete Cowell).

James VS The Recession IV

I have spent the best part of the last month 'frumping' about in my crisp Peter Alexanders, moaning about unemployment rates and The National Deficits.

'I hate The Recession!' I said. 'I'm not going to get out of bed until a female friend comes over and tells me that I'm not ugly.'

'You don't have any female friends, James.' My better judgement said. 'You've never liked women, remember? In fact, in the back of your mind you suspect you may be one of those suppressed gays, like the military dad from American Beauty.'

'That's true! Thanks for cheering my up, Better Judgement.'

I bounded out the front door, laughing and eating chips and shouting at women as I went.

Since I started going to AWARD school, I take ideas generation very seriously. If I was going to draw blood in this fight against The Recession I would need black Artline pens and A3 bleedproof drawing pads immediately. 

I made a quick stop at the newsagent on Devonshire St, approaching the man at the counter, 'one of each please,' I said.

'One each of what?'

This was not good enough. I'm ashamed to say that, although he wasn't a woman, I physically lashed out at him. I grabbed him by the front of his sweater. 'Listen here sir,' I said. 'It is absolutely essential that I get what I need today. There will be no ink bleeding on my pad, do you hear?'

'Ah, A3 bleedproof pad for you then sir?'

'Please. And I might also take two cans of Mother. It will be like a quadruple hit of energy, no?'

I didn't have time to wait for his response. I walked out of the door, crossed Elizabeth street and entered into Belmore Park. It was nearly empty, which was good, as under my thin cotton pyjamas I was naked as hell.

There was one man standing on the grass, doing some kind of homeless Philosophy to himself. I decided to join his one-man conversation. What a great opportunity for ideas generation!

'You called the screws on me dintcha (sic). You fucken dog!'

I did my best to get into character. 'I did no such thing, sir. I hate the screw myself, you see! They're all swine!*'

'You ruined my bloody stake. We had a stake, you and me!' He said.

'Don't worry, sir. As soon as this Recession finishes up, we'll get our own stake, just the two of us. I have some cash saved up from unskilled labour. I don't eat much, and I'd be happy to do such as plant corn and the less manly jobs. I ensure you wouldn't hear but a peep out of me.'

'You lied to my face, you dog!'

Now I was bored. Still though, what about my own talent!

Did you noticed how I just 'sampled' some incidental noise and used it to make a conversation? Imagine if I could use my this talent to find a solution to The Recession? You know, crowd-sourced content, user-generated content, flip cameras, CMS, public space, messing with expectations, start-up company, follow a band round for a day, blogs, myspace, lighting up the Opera House, performances in obscure locations, blogs, people from Iceland.

'Wait a minute!' I said. 'I've got it!'

I pulled out my phone... 'Hello, Mayor's office please. Tell her it's James. Thank you. Clover? Babe, how are you? Now listen. Free up your diary for the 3rd of November and bring your best scissors... Why?'

I turned around dramatically and cracked seal on the second can of Mother: 'because I'm putting on an Arts festival.'

TBC

* I had to project my voice, as I was over 50m away.

In between 'Recessions' post: bits from the drafts folder.

I decided to take  a quick break from fighting the Recession. I obviously needed to write an inspirational speech for the students at my former high school, and also relished the rare opportunity to Do Recreation that the ceasefire afforded me.

The speech hasn't come quite along quite as far as I might have hoped; I'm stuck on the first two sections... Two and a half weeks later this is all I have:

Part 1: The economic crisis rundown (to be read really slowly, with finger pointing).

The reason we (the world) are in this financial mess is simple: our greed has caused debt. We have placed having things on a pedestal (a pedestal that did not consider the cost of these things when we bought them).

 So how do we deal with The Recession as individuals? Of course it would make sense for everyone to 'spend spend spend,' and gradually 'hoik' the US back into the black - but the case by case reality is never so simple. 
As columnist and award winning author Peter Fitzsimons put it: 'Control yourself/Take only what you neeeeeed from it.'

Part 2: My best friend came out to me on Schoolies week. What should I do?

 Oh man, heavy. Gay guys are fine - stop being homophobic... Oh God, it's a girl? Well, that's completely different. The high school boy's idea of lesbianism is completely different to the reality. It's mostly big chunky shoes and jeans with no back pockets. All finding a gathering of more than one 20-something male completely offensive, and nothing to chuckle along with. 

---

I also did some Journalism in the park on the weekend... Here are some vox pops:

James: So how are you today, sir?

Uni Student Squatter: Okay.

James: Your hair is interesting. Tell me about this.

S: I don't feel that I have to justify it to you.

J: Really? I feel the need to justify everything. Anyway, all I asked was if you could tell me about it.

S: It's got bits of green and purple, some dreadlocks and some braids.

J: Indeed.

James: So how are you today, sir?

Old man: I'm quite good, thank you James*

J: What do you perceive are the main problems in this area?

O: The drugs. Too many young fellas on drugs.

J: (nodding) Yes, yes. Adorably put. What other problems are there?

*I have a jumper (made by Jess) with my name sewn on the front. I was wearing it.

James: Hey, how are you?

19 year old Girl: Good thanks.

J: Did you party pretty hard last night?

19: Yeah, we ended up at a tattoo parlour in the Cross!

J: Woah did you get anything?

19: No, but - 

J: But you talked about it HEAPS didn't you? But you keep justifying how you can get a particular thing tattooed on you because you've liked it for ages, and you will always be into it? Even though your taste and fashion sense has changed every six months since you were 11? You mean like that?

19: No not -

J: Do you also spend half your time at parties with a cigarette in your hand, explaining to people that you hardly ever smoke? 

---

My life is mostly made up. This conversation with a homeless man, like nearly every other, never happened... Or did it (it didn't)?:

'$2000! Do you know what you could get for that much?'

'I don't know? Groceries for a year? A wall clock from David Met Nicole?  You could probably book Bang Gang to DJ for 40 minutes.'

'Being intentionally shallow again, are you lad?'

'Yes, that's the way I decided to take this.'

---

Sometimes life is hard. These are titles of posts I was going to write before life got too Difficult:

* There are children starving in Africa - Hello there, black stranger (reprise).
* I saw Kim Beazley speak on Sunday night at my Nan's church hall and was very impressed.

* 'Dishing out Justice'  - an upcoming feature article in one of those online music magazines. Check your junk folder.

* 'Up There Cazaly': A History of Things Peter Fitzsimons Might Say,
*'Sydney needs more wine-bars' (and similar) Broadsheet Lift-out Opinion Piece Generator Version 1.0.

---

THINGS A GOOD HOUSE PARTY NEEDS:

1. A boy nicknamed Smackers who is "furious":
"Yeeew! How are ya Smackers?"
"Boys, I'm furious!"

James VS The Recession III

They say people go through a series of different stages (eg shock, denial, rage) when dealing with The Recession. If handing out business cards to people lining up outside Billy Kwong's was a 'stage' in my coping strategy, I had certainly moved on (ran out of business cards).

I returned home and worked on Some Projects, before retiring early. The following morning I arose and checked my To Do list - zero items. I wandered down to Bourke Street Bakery to get coffee and something to eat. It cheered me up to see a long queue of people spilling out the door, waiting to pay too much for things. 'What recession?' They said (with their souls). What recession, indeed.

I sat across the road in the park and drank my coffee. It was a glorious day. The Recession couldn't take that away from me. I'm going to get myself behind some Philadelphia cheese today, I remember thinking at the time. 'Ah, my dear friend Life! Why do you throw me such straight, easy to hit balls?'

 All of a sudden my phone rang*. It was a private number, so I answered in an English accent. 'Hallo?' I said.

'Ah, hello, is that James Ross-Edwards?'

'It is.' I said. 'What is thouth name, madam?'

'Hello James, this is the school secretary from your old high school, how are you?'

I couldn't believe it. 'Are you the one from sick bay?'

'No, I only started last year.'

‘I’m confused…’

'The "Sister" works in the sick bay. I'm the secretary. I am calling on behalf of the Headmaster. He would like to invite you back to the school to address Year 12 students on entering the real world at the end of this year. That is, if you'd be interested.'

'I see. How long should the performance go for?'

'It's just a speech - around 15 minutes I'd imagine? It's during assembly.'

 I won’t bore you with the further details, but it was settled. I rushed home immediately and began preparing my speech. I started out by writing a piecemeal series of dot points containing various things I know about the real world. In order to engage with the intended audience, I tried to keep in mind things that year 12 students would probably find cool. Here is the my research from that day:

THE REAL WORLD – Some points by James Ross-Edwards:

1. People generally get way more interested in fonts after high school. This is regardless of gender, so applies to ALL of you. I can strongly recommend that you all invest in a black t-shirt with the world ‘helvetica’ written on the front.

2. Dudes are always raving about Europe. You should probably all try that out at some point. Like when you are on summer break from your GAP year where you work in an English boarding school and learn so much about the world.

3. Once when I was 18, I arrived home to my parent’s house late at night and there was a guy trying to break into the house. He said he was just looking for a drink of water, but I knew what was going on.

4. Every couple of years you will meet someone you can’t quite place. They are full of contradictions, may have an accent that doesn’t match where they grew up and don’t appear to have a set group of friends or social context. They are willing to drop everything immediately to become your best friend.

a) The person works as a security guard at a pub/night club:

Don’t stress this is normal. If necessary, request that they don’t show you their photos of dead people in Iraq… The conversation will probably go like this:

You: Hey, how you going?

Them: Wanna see my Land Rover?

You: ... Wow, it’s a nice one!

Them: I also have a Harley Davidson.

You: Okay, I’m not really equipped to appreciate that though. My main bragging point is that it’s 2003 and I know who the Kings Of Leon are.

Them: I take a bath every single day.

You: Sweet man, that could be fun.

Them: If you ever need anything like eccies, go or blow, I can sort you out.

You: You can tell we have different ideas about the world because your nicknames for party drugs make me feel uncomfortable.

            b) The person does not work as a security guard:

If this person is of the opposite sex (or you are a gay), you should pash them. These people are way easier to pick up than the people you went to school with. This may be because of their insecurities. It could also be because they dissolve half a gram of speed into their Mount Franklin bottle each morning. Earlier in life they probably excelled at something like ballet or child acting - they never ever mention this. Their fashion sense is inexplicable. 

 If, when you mention a local band to them they recoil in horror, all ‘DO NOT MENTION THAT BAND IN FRONT OF ME! NEVER EVER!’ Ask them why. You may want to start a blog.

TBC...

James VS The Recession II

After the Trouble I had with The Recession late last year, the outlook for 2009 was looking grim. I retreated to the coast mid-January and jumped off some rocks into water a few times - returning invigorated and inspired.

Sydney was all of a sudden a different place; the city opened up to me. I no longer felt conscious of my own body (like when you have an ear infection). I went for a stroll around Crown St and soaked in the atmosphere. This is what I saw and felt.

Billy Kwong's, Crown St:

A group of people were waiting in line for the 6:30PM sitting. They were mostly a bit older than I, and in spite of their relaxed discussion about fused dinners, you could tell that The Recession was lurking somewhere around the middle of their minds:

'I got tickets to The Presets AND season passes to the Swannies!' Said one.

'I hear The Presets are spectacular live.' Said another. This was greeted by a series of solemn nods and mentions that both members were trained at 'the con.'

I paused to do up my shoelace. Oh no! It wasn't today, it was summer (I was wearing thongs). Instead of standing up again, I remained crouching and updated Twitter from my phone. I will never, ever understand why I did this. The conversation outside Billy Kwong's continued.

The main man in the conversation had a shaved head and Barcelona chairs in his heart - which was easily visible from the sleeve of his flanellette shirt. His pre-dinner conversation managed to extend beyond his immediate, incorporating almost all of the waiting diners.

'... It was the strangest thing.' Said a peripheral lady. 'On the way here we saw the word "UPROCK" written in plastic cups on a fence.'

'It's called Cuprocking.' Said the Main Man. 'It's done by a guy from around here. It's pretty cool, huh?'

'Yeah, it's really expressive. And fun!'

'It's a far more efficient way to "bomb a public space," than with spray cans. It's very guerilla.'

'Oh wow, it sounds like it. I don't know very much about street art - working in accounting and all -'

The group suddenly went silent and stared at the ground as several young residents of the Oasis shelter - some of the best real estate in Surry Hills - walked past. The Main Man shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and pulled out his iPhone to make sure he hadn't been outbid on one of those knife blocks that look like the knives are stabbing the contemporary stick figure man.

I could feel the awkardness. You know, with them not knowing each other too well, homeless junky kids walking past and me crouching several metres away just typing their conversation into my phone. It was understandable. I decided to diffuse the situation by talking to them, like I had been part of the conversation  all along. I stood up and took a step towards the Main Man.

'Woah! Those homeless kids are so ugly!'

He looked up from his iPhone. 'Sorry?'

'It was probably lucky they walked past when they did though.' I said. 'I mean, like before you referred to Andy Uprock as one of the main "Cats in the scene" to this lady.' I tried to wink at the lady, but ended up just rapidly blinking (don't know how to wink).

'What are you talking about?'

'Do you also Get performance art?'

'What do you mean?' 

'You know when someone decides to stop going to their job and relating to people? Performance art is what happens when that person wears black slacks and is in a room when Clover Moore is making a speech. THAT, is what I mean.'

He looked at me horrified. 'Who are you?'

I extended my hand. 'Here's my card.'

It read:

James Ross-Edwards.

---

EXTRA UPDATE:

So I'm starting a thing where I interview someone each week about the weather, and what they like/don't like about it. My first interview was with myself, taken last week...

James: Do you like the weather we have been having lately?

James: Maybe not the rain, but I do generally like Autumn.

James: They call it Fall in -

James: I know.

James: Describe what you like the most about Autumn.

James: Yummy blue skies, washed out earthy shades, Pimms and Lemonade while Beirut plays in the background.

James: Wow, that sounds okay.

James: I don't know what Beirut is.

James: It's just a word people say if they are not threatening anyone at all and it is 2007.

James VS The Recession

I once got paid $100 to deliver Christmas hampers around an office building. It was organised by a friend of my Mum's. It was a good deal - it only took a few hours, and at the end everyone got pizza and soft drink. They even told me I could maybe do it again some time.

I reapplied for this job last week only to be rejected. You guess it, The Recession had struck again. They were nice about it, using buzz words like 'seasonal' and 'one-off' to make me feel better. The Recession seems to be placing me on a pedestal (a pedestal that does not allow me to get short-term casual work).

Another example. In late 2001 I made nearly $2000 (about $250,000 today) by selling charity chocolates. Brad helped. I ordered 100 massive boxes of them to my house on behalf of my school, and sold them under the guise of raising money for a school football trip that I was 99% sure would be cancelled (it was).

I tried to recreate this business model in November 2008, sans Brad. I started at Macquarie Bank HQ in the city. This will be great, I remember thinking at the time. Surely The Recession won't bother me in this place. I wandered into the Bond St building feeling confident, $96 RRP of Maltesers in one hand, and equal value in Bounty/Snickers/Mars in the other. If I got rid of those boxes this afternoon, I'd be around $66 in black. 'Electric feel!' I said (a popular expression for excitement at the time).

I wandered in the Bond St entrance and waited for someone to get in the lift, so I could hitch a ride on their security pass. It wasn't long before several of the bank's finest arrived back from lunch at Ryan's Bar. They were all male, over 6 feet and mostly had attended the same private school as I had. This proved a good ice breaker - as I not only fit the above description, but additionally was dressed from head-to-toe in my former school uniform - the most suitable attire I owned.

Before I could start giving my chocolate spiel, the group of us spontaneously erupted into a loud version of 'Sex on Fire' (we didn't have another song we all knew). O the might with which we sang! O the force with which our huddle of bodies was held together - I was anything I wished. I was a Latin phrase at the bottom of a crest, I was an Aboriginal child on a sporting scholarship. I was staring down on Regular Joes and Janes with contempt. In that moment I was Recession Proof. 

Once the sing-along was complete, I was ushered into the lift with a series of backslaps and hugs.

'So what floor are you guys going too?' I said.

'We're all going to a meeting on the 10th. Do you want to come?'

'Yes.'

I followed them out of the lift, and across the corridor of the 10th floor into a meeting room. Two men with enormous head decorations were at the table. It was The Presets.

'KIM, Julian, this man in a school uniform is our friend. He is here to sell us all chocolate for a rugby tour.'

'Silence!' Said The Presets. Several of the men began to shake with fear. 'I don't see any chocolates.'

'I, uh.' I'd somehow lost the chocolates in all the singing and hugging in the lobby. 'I am sorry. I lost them.'

ENDLOGUE

* I returned home, chocolate-less and with a ripped school blazer.

* Several weeks later The Presets played a reportedly amazing show at the Macquarie Bank's Christmas party.

* The Recession continued its progress unabated. It is believed to be currently based out of the empty space at Muscles Music Blog.

Funny/Not Funny

Funny things don't happen to me anymore - this is probably why I haven't been posting so much on this blog. These days just normal stuff happens, basically always. Did you know that over 80% of the funny things I write about never actually happened?

Like that time I wrote about the 70 year old Aboriginal guy who had overdosed on heroin and still managed to escape from RPA and the Police? That wasn't actually me doing those things, I just heard it on the Police scanner at my Old Job.

And like how I once implied that some fellows that Frank Sartor played footy with were dicks because they had suffered some pretty horrible abuse in the past? That isn't true, I've never met them, it was just a guess.

See, nothing funny ever happens in real life - I just made you think it did with my clever writing. If I had had this blog in The Day, there would have had some extremely funny things to write about. 

For example, there was this one day in high school where an argument in recess ended in an agreement to have an informal debate at lunch, exchanging insult for insult. It was me and Will versus Dean and Phil. I didn't back myself impromptu, in the traditional 'yo mama' way of the creoles, so I wrote about 10 pages of notes in my school diary, reserving some extra harsh things in case.

I was a little nervous, being the underdog side, and received some pretty heavy blows early on: 'you have the same haircut as your mum,' a particular one I recall. I was quick to bite back however, drawing first blood:

'Dean pretended he was drunk at Camille Mortlock's party in the Christmas holidays between year 9 and year 10 and he punched a car and broke his hand! And he was wearing a full matching Champion tracksuit!'

I can't remember much more of the abuse I suffered or dished out, perhaps I have blocked out all the harsh things that were said in front of a playground full of people. But everyone laughed, so it must have been funny. Not like today - today is boring.

Google Analytics Report #1

The following is a list of things people have typed into Google that have lead them to my blog. Although I hate to look past the "c-word," I think my favourite is the Q-Bar membership enquiry... Or number 20.

1. tiny men

2. "award school"

3. big coronas or tiny men

4. great humanitarians

5. 36cb69faeb2b6cd6b0e14bbb5837401

6. big coronas small me

7. big cunts

8. big women tiny men fuck

9. claudia newstead*

10. exact tiny for men

11. funny pictures of tiny men

12. james ross's t shirt

13. list of great humanitarians

14. men slang-cockpit

15. mens cardigans, in target, nsw australia

16. myf dingo

17. myf dingo magazine

18. myf warhurst dingo

19. myf warhurst dingo magazine

20. sucking big dicks

21. tiny

22. tinymen or

23. vegas lounge membership card qbar

24. waiting for the front door to splinter, waiting all winter

Monty.

If you run out of money, it is important to get some more straight away, before you get Poor.

Due to an extended string of circumstances, I have found myself spending Tuesday evenings back pouring beers at my grandmother's lawn bowling club. The Tuesday 5-8pm or the 'Rotary' shift has been the property of me and my siblings for several years now. I have never been the primary custodian of the shift, rather it has been passed around between my two younger brothers - with me making the occasional guest appearance.

However, they are busy, I am not - so there I am. Each Tuesday I gratefully receive $57 in an envelope and a handwritten payslip. I arrive to each shift the expected 45 minutes late, leaving exactly 15 minutes early. I don't need to turn on the beer lines as Richard (the cook) has already put away three schooners while preparing the Rotarians meal.

Now then. The scene is set, I am free to talk about Monty...

At around 6:30, the Rotarians start plodding in to launch their Schlieffen-esque sub-committee offensive. They approach me at the bar, usually to order a middy of light or a glass of De Bortoli Colombard Chardonnay - direct from the silver handbag, a steal at $2.20. They are mostly from that ever expanding generation of elderly Australians: 60s and 70s, too young for WWII and The Depression but old enough to be casually racist and believe that corrugated gherkins and squares of tasty cheddar are a pretty decent canape.

Monty is my pick of the bunch. Standing around 5 foot 9, he is too large for small man's syndrome, yet demonstrates most of it's characteristics. Moustached and combed over in a short-sleeve-and-tie combination, he resembles an aged, slightly slimmer version of The Office's David Brent.

'Have you pulled one off the light keg yet?'

'Not yet, but it's been on all day. I just got here.'

'It'll be flat then.'

'That's not really how it works, Monty.'

Monty is in Real Estate Sales - which, of course, anyone in the vicinity can read on his name tag. According to him,  he owns the East Lindfield area. He has twice told me this, while gesturing to his wrist: 'it bought me this mate. Biggest Rolex on the market. Solid Gold.' 

I present him his middy and he eyes it suspiciously. 'More head than I'd usually expect.' Unbeknownst to Monty, nearly every comment he makes about beer has a far better use as sexual innuendo.

'Any less and it'd go flat. $2.60.' I say.

He pulls an estimated $30 in 10 cent pieces from his pocket, drops them on the bar and walks away to set up the PA. I'm left to salvage the money in his wake. Monty spends the next five minutes floating around the bar area - at one point embarrassing a man in his 70s by asking (in front of a group of ladies) if his 'new girl's a good root?' Seconds later I overhear him in a completely unrelated conversation use the term 'young jewess.'

Around 6:45 he returns to his drink at the bar and stares at me for attention, lips slightly parted. 'It's disgusting isn't it?'

'What's disgusting?'

He jerks his head in the direction of a man standing a few metres behind him. 'There's no excuse for being that fat... Despicable.'

I stumble. 'Everyone's different.'

'Nope.' Says Monty. 'No excuse. He's a pig. A doctor once told me that you can look as good as you like.'

I try to take the high road of silence, but let myself down. 'Right?'

'I reckon I look pretty good for 65 mate.'

'-'

Our conversation was unfortunately cut short - the official gong told us that it was 6:55PM, which means everyone takes a seat for a series of toasts. Besides, beef stroganoff won't eat itself. After dinner, Monty entered the meeting in an official capacity, in his role as quiz-master. He took his place on the podium and announced that tonight's topic would be tennis. He looked pretty good, too.

-