Applying Sam In The City's "How To Be More Attractive To The Opposite Sex" Guidelines To My Own Life

Being #1 and #2 most influential bloggers in Sydney to have grown up (she still lives there) within a stone's throw of St Ives Village Shopping Centre, it is my pleasure to invite Sam In The City's own Samantha Brett (smh.com.au) to give me a crash course in how to improve my "spunk factor."

As Sam says, being a young upwardly mobile singleton in the city goes both ways. While it's great "being able to shag whoever" and never having to "answer to anyone over who left the milk out or ate the last Tim Tam from the box" (IT WAS SO YOU SAM! LOL, ROFL etc), it's also nice to have someone to "share the mortgage with."

I totally agree with Sam on both fronts. So I thought I'd take on some of her famous advice (Sam In The City, 04/04/07):

#1 Sam says:
Stop whinging and get up off your couch.
No one has ever met the love of their life by watching Simpsons re-runs on a Saturday night - alone. When singles whinge about their situation and stand in corners looking glum, no fellow singleton (who is sober) is going to waltz up and ask to buy them a drink. Why? Because we're attracted to people who smile, laugh and are confident in their own skin. So stand in the middle of the room, dance by yourself, look in control of your life (especially if you feel you're not) and I guarantee your luck will start to change...

J:
Very true Sam, this is especially tough for people without Foxtel (Austar for regional readers). I also like your use of punctuation " - alone".

#2 Sam Says:
Stop trawling bars
Walking around a crowded bar with the stench of spilt beer and too many cigarettes is enough to turn anyone off before they've even set eyes on your new pair of jeans and shiny white shoes. Instead, there are better ways to meet people that don't include drinking yourself into a lull so that your beer goggles make anything on two legs look half decent. Surely if you've learnt anything from this column, it's to make an effort to think outside the box. Take cooking lessons, go salsa dancing, take a course in something you're interested in, go to a bookstore; that's where the likeminded ones (and plenty of hot, sober property) are hanging out.

J:
Until I had read this I was wondering what I was doing wrong, thanks Sam. There is nothing more attractive than a sober man in shiny white shoes fidgetting aimlessly in a bookstore, mincing over a book with a crudely drawn high heel, mobile phone and martini glass on the cover.
A few questions though?
1. How many is too many cigarettes?
2. Where can I find shiny white shoes? Please ask the male colleague we hear so much about next time you do coffee and he falls to pieces in front of a powerful and gorgeously single female colleague.
3. Please define the parameters of "the box". I thought I was thinking outside of it last week, but I kept making jokes about ice addicts "furiously masturbating" and was asked to leave the salsa class.

#3 Sam says
Get a sense of humour
I once dated a guy whom I had to shake every so often in the hope of making him laugh. Ladies and lads, laugh at yourself. I beg you, stop being so serious. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not to be frightened of. Take a quick glance at any Sam and the City poll in regards to what characteristic is most attractive in the opposite sex, and you'll find a sense of humour beats out a tight butt every time.

J:
A sense of humour is just SO IMPORTANT. I don't think the best way to make your partner laugh is to shake them though, Sam. I think this is more a reflection on yourself than your poor ex-boyfriend (probably called Joost). Try a few tricks me and my friends use to laugh:
- Making fun at people of different backgrounds - "he/she's a bit racial"
- The C-word is very degrading and equally funny. Lead into the word with something like "your a stupid," "I hate the" or "she is such a."
- Homophobia eg: "You're a total fag!" or "GAAAAY!" when someone suggests something undesirable.
- If nothing else works, just say the name of a high profile personality who has just either died or been charged with child sex offences eg: "Bob Woolmer" and "Milton Orkopulous" respectively.

I also enjoyed the image of you saying "Ladies and lads, laugh at yourself" as if you were a military operative in the Boer War screaming at the POWs you held captive. You should not make racial fags laugh at themself, they are minorities!

#4 Sam says:
Run. Dance. Swim. Whatever!
Speaking of taut buns, working up a sweat induces endorphins. You feel good, you look good, you get confident and things spiral onwards from there. You don't have to spend hours at the gym (quite frankly that gets rather boring) but 30 minutes a day is all you need to look and feel good. Plus there are a number of hotties at the gym, down at the beach and at the local swimming pool. Don't be shy!

J:
No kudos for the misleading title. Also, things spiral "upwards", not "onwards".
I do agree with working out though. Another good thing to do is join an all-male old boys football team affiliated with a local private school. It's a great way to exercise. You work out a range of muscles in a competetive environment, meet up with friends old and new, there's always heaps of girls watching on the weekends - and only most of them are rubbish! The aggressively-macho but homo-erotic club president is usually the best one to see about signing up.

#5 Sam says:
Get a wingman (or woman)
Lads, never underestimate the power of a good wingwoman. That's because girls love men who already have women interested in them. It's something in our DNA that makes us thrive on the knowledge that this guy has been pre-screened by one of our own kind. Just make sure she isn't secretly in love with you and is trying to sabotage your game. Or if she is, and you're into her too, then lady-hunting problem is solved.

J:
I put this strategy into play last weekend by chasing a female friend of mine until she screamed 'Rape!' and we all had a good laugh.