James VS The Recession IV

I have spent the best part of the last month 'frumping' about in my crisp Peter Alexanders, moaning about unemployment rates and The National Deficits.

'I hate The Recession!' I said. 'I'm not going to get out of bed until a female friend comes over and tells me that I'm not ugly.'

'You don't have any female friends, James.' My better judgement said. 'You've never liked women, remember? In fact, in the back of your mind you suspect you may be one of those suppressed gays, like the military dad from American Beauty.'

'That's true! Thanks for cheering my up, Better Judgement.'

I bounded out the front door, laughing and eating chips and shouting at women as I went.

Since I started going to AWARD school, I take ideas generation very seriously. If I was going to draw blood in this fight against The Recession I would need black Artline pens and A3 bleedproof drawing pads immediately. 

I made a quick stop at the newsagent on Devonshire St, approaching the man at the counter, 'one of each please,' I said.

'One each of what?'

This was not good enough. I'm ashamed to say that, although he wasn't a woman, I physically lashed out at him. I grabbed him by the front of his sweater. 'Listen here sir,' I said. 'It is absolutely essential that I get what I need today. There will be no ink bleeding on my pad, do you hear?'

'Ah, A3 bleedproof pad for you then sir?'

'Please. And I might also take two cans of Mother. It will be like a quadruple hit of energy, no?'

I didn't have time to wait for his response. I walked out of the door, crossed Elizabeth street and entered into Belmore Park. It was nearly empty, which was good, as under my thin cotton pyjamas I was naked as hell.

There was one man standing on the grass, doing some kind of homeless Philosophy to himself. I decided to join his one-man conversation. What a great opportunity for ideas generation!

'You called the screws on me dintcha (sic). You fucken dog!'

I did my best to get into character. 'I did no such thing, sir. I hate the screw myself, you see! They're all swine!*'

'You ruined my bloody stake. We had a stake, you and me!' He said.

'Don't worry, sir. As soon as this Recession finishes up, we'll get our own stake, just the two of us. I have some cash saved up from unskilled labour. I don't eat much, and I'd be happy to do such as plant corn and the less manly jobs. I ensure you wouldn't hear but a peep out of me.'

'You lied to my face, you dog!'

Now I was bored. Still though, what about my own talent!

Did you noticed how I just 'sampled' some incidental noise and used it to make a conversation? Imagine if I could use my this talent to find a solution to The Recession? You know, crowd-sourced content, user-generated content, flip cameras, CMS, public space, messing with expectations, start-up company, follow a band round for a day, blogs, myspace, lighting up the Opera House, performances in obscure locations, blogs, people from Iceland.

'Wait a minute!' I said. 'I've got it!'

I pulled out my phone... 'Hello, Mayor's office please. Tell her it's James. Thank you. Clover? Babe, how are you? Now listen. Free up your diary for the 3rd of November and bring your best scissors... Why?'

I turned around dramatically and cracked seal on the second can of Mother: 'because I'm putting on an Arts festival.'

TBC

* I had to project my voice, as I was over 50m away.

In between 'Recessions' post: bits from the drafts folder.

I decided to take  a quick break from fighting the Recession. I obviously needed to write an inspirational speech for the students at my former high school, and also relished the rare opportunity to Do Recreation that the ceasefire afforded me.

The speech hasn't come quite along quite as far as I might have hoped; I'm stuck on the first two sections... Two and a half weeks later this is all I have:

Part 1: The economic crisis rundown (to be read really slowly, with finger pointing).

The reason we (the world) are in this financial mess is simple: our greed has caused debt. We have placed having things on a pedestal (a pedestal that did not consider the cost of these things when we bought them).

 So how do we deal with The Recession as individuals? Of course it would make sense for everyone to 'spend spend spend,' and gradually 'hoik' the US back into the black - but the case by case reality is never so simple. 
As columnist and award winning author Peter Fitzsimons put it: 'Control yourself/Take only what you neeeeeed from it.'

Part 2: My best friend came out to me on Schoolies week. What should I do?

 Oh man, heavy. Gay guys are fine - stop being homophobic... Oh God, it's a girl? Well, that's completely different. The high school boy's idea of lesbianism is completely different to the reality. It's mostly big chunky shoes and jeans with no back pockets. All finding a gathering of more than one 20-something male completely offensive, and nothing to chuckle along with. 

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I also did some Journalism in the park on the weekend... Here are some vox pops:

James: So how are you today, sir?

Uni Student Squatter: Okay.

James: Your hair is interesting. Tell me about this.

S: I don't feel that I have to justify it to you.

J: Really? I feel the need to justify everything. Anyway, all I asked was if you could tell me about it.

S: It's got bits of green and purple, some dreadlocks and some braids.

J: Indeed.

James: So how are you today, sir?

Old man: I'm quite good, thank you James*

J: What do you perceive are the main problems in this area?

O: The drugs. Too many young fellas on drugs.

J: (nodding) Yes, yes. Adorably put. What other problems are there?

*I have a jumper (made by Jess) with my name sewn on the front. I was wearing it.

James: Hey, how are you?

19 year old Girl: Good thanks.

J: Did you party pretty hard last night?

19: Yeah, we ended up at a tattoo parlour in the Cross!

J: Woah did you get anything?

19: No, but - 

J: But you talked about it HEAPS didn't you? But you keep justifying how you can get a particular thing tattooed on you because you've liked it for ages, and you will always be into it? Even though your taste and fashion sense has changed every six months since you were 11? You mean like that?

19: No not -

J: Do you also spend half your time at parties with a cigarette in your hand, explaining to people that you hardly ever smoke? 

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My life is mostly made up. This conversation with a homeless man, like nearly every other, never happened... Or did it (it didn't)?:

'$2000! Do you know what you could get for that much?'

'I don't know? Groceries for a year? A wall clock from David Met Nicole?  You could probably book Bang Gang to DJ for 40 minutes.'

'Being intentionally shallow again, are you lad?'

'Yes, that's the way I decided to take this.'

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Sometimes life is hard. These are titles of posts I was going to write before life got too Difficult:

* There are children starving in Africa - Hello there, black stranger (reprise).
* I saw Kim Beazley speak on Sunday night at my Nan's church hall and was very impressed.

* 'Dishing out Justice'  - an upcoming feature article in one of those online music magazines. Check your junk folder.

* 'Up There Cazaly': A History of Things Peter Fitzsimons Might Say,
*'Sydney needs more wine-bars' (and similar) Broadsheet Lift-out Opinion Piece Generator Version 1.0.

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THINGS A GOOD HOUSE PARTY NEEDS:

1. A boy nicknamed Smackers who is "furious":
"Yeeew! How are ya Smackers?"
"Boys, I'm furious!"