James VS The Recession IV

I have spent the best part of the last month 'frumping' about in my crisp Peter Alexanders, moaning about unemployment rates and The National Deficits.

'I hate The Recession!' I said. 'I'm not going to get out of bed until a female friend comes over and tells me that I'm not ugly.'

'You don't have any female friends, James.' My better judgement said. 'You've never liked women, remember? In fact, in the back of your mind you suspect you may be one of those suppressed gays, like the military dad from American Beauty.'

'That's true! Thanks for cheering my up, Better Judgement.'

I bounded out the front door, laughing and eating chips and shouting at women as I went.

Since I started going to AWARD school, I take ideas generation very seriously. If I was going to draw blood in this fight against The Recession I would need black Artline pens and A3 bleedproof drawing pads immediately. 

I made a quick stop at the newsagent on Devonshire St, approaching the man at the counter, 'one of each please,' I said.

'One each of what?'

This was not good enough. I'm ashamed to say that, although he wasn't a woman, I physically lashed out at him. I grabbed him by the front of his sweater. 'Listen here sir,' I said. 'It is absolutely essential that I get what I need today. There will be no ink bleeding on my pad, do you hear?'

'Ah, A3 bleedproof pad for you then sir?'

'Please. And I might also take two cans of Mother. It will be like a quadruple hit of energy, no?'

I didn't have time to wait for his response. I walked out of the door, crossed Elizabeth street and entered into Belmore Park. It was nearly empty, which was good, as under my thin cotton pyjamas I was naked as hell.

There was one man standing on the grass, doing some kind of homeless Philosophy to himself. I decided to join his one-man conversation. What a great opportunity for ideas generation!

'You called the screws on me dintcha (sic). You fucken dog!'

I did my best to get into character. 'I did no such thing, sir. I hate the screw myself, you see! They're all swine!*'

'You ruined my bloody stake. We had a stake, you and me!' He said.

'Don't worry, sir. As soon as this Recession finishes up, we'll get our own stake, just the two of us. I have some cash saved up from unskilled labour. I don't eat much, and I'd be happy to do such as plant corn and the less manly jobs. I ensure you wouldn't hear but a peep out of me.'

'You lied to my face, you dog!'

Now I was bored. Still though, what about my own talent!

Did you noticed how I just 'sampled' some incidental noise and used it to make a conversation? Imagine if I could use my this talent to find a solution to The Recession? You know, crowd-sourced content, user-generated content, flip cameras, CMS, public space, messing with expectations, start-up company, follow a band round for a day, blogs, myspace, lighting up the Opera House, performances in obscure locations, blogs, people from Iceland.

'Wait a minute!' I said. 'I've got it!'

I pulled out my phone... 'Hello, Mayor's office please. Tell her it's James. Thank you. Clover? Babe, how are you? Now listen. Free up your diary for the 3rd of November and bring your best scissors... Why?'

I turned around dramatically and cracked seal on the second can of Mother: 'because I'm putting on an Arts festival.'

TBC

* I had to project my voice, as I was over 50m away.

In between 'Recessions' post: bits from the drafts folder.

I decided to take  a quick break from fighting the Recession. I obviously needed to write an inspirational speech for the students at my former high school, and also relished the rare opportunity to Do Recreation that the ceasefire afforded me.

The speech hasn't come quite along quite as far as I might have hoped; I'm stuck on the first two sections... Two and a half weeks later this is all I have:

Part 1: The economic crisis rundown (to be read really slowly, with finger pointing).

The reason we (the world) are in this financial mess is simple: our greed has caused debt. We have placed having things on a pedestal (a pedestal that did not consider the cost of these things when we bought them).

 So how do we deal with The Recession as individuals? Of course it would make sense for everyone to 'spend spend spend,' and gradually 'hoik' the US back into the black - but the case by case reality is never so simple. 
As columnist and award winning author Peter Fitzsimons put it: 'Control yourself/Take only what you neeeeeed from it.'

Part 2: My best friend came out to me on Schoolies week. What should I do?

 Oh man, heavy. Gay guys are fine - stop being homophobic... Oh God, it's a girl? Well, that's completely different. The high school boy's idea of lesbianism is completely different to the reality. It's mostly big chunky shoes and jeans with no back pockets. All finding a gathering of more than one 20-something male completely offensive, and nothing to chuckle along with. 

---

I also did some Journalism in the park on the weekend... Here are some vox pops:

James: So how are you today, sir?

Uni Student Squatter: Okay.

James: Your hair is interesting. Tell me about this.

S: I don't feel that I have to justify it to you.

J: Really? I feel the need to justify everything. Anyway, all I asked was if you could tell me about it.

S: It's got bits of green and purple, some dreadlocks and some braids.

J: Indeed.

James: So how are you today, sir?

Old man: I'm quite good, thank you James*

J: What do you perceive are the main problems in this area?

O: The drugs. Too many young fellas on drugs.

J: (nodding) Yes, yes. Adorably put. What other problems are there?

*I have a jumper (made by Jess) with my name sewn on the front. I was wearing it.

James: Hey, how are you?

19 year old Girl: Good thanks.

J: Did you party pretty hard last night?

19: Yeah, we ended up at a tattoo parlour in the Cross!

J: Woah did you get anything?

19: No, but - 

J: But you talked about it HEAPS didn't you? But you keep justifying how you can get a particular thing tattooed on you because you've liked it for ages, and you will always be into it? Even though your taste and fashion sense has changed every six months since you were 11? You mean like that?

19: No not -

J: Do you also spend half your time at parties with a cigarette in your hand, explaining to people that you hardly ever smoke? 

---

My life is mostly made up. This conversation with a homeless man, like nearly every other, never happened... Or did it (it didn't)?:

'$2000! Do you know what you could get for that much?'

'I don't know? Groceries for a year? A wall clock from David Met Nicole?  You could probably book Bang Gang to DJ for 40 minutes.'

'Being intentionally shallow again, are you lad?'

'Yes, that's the way I decided to take this.'

---

Sometimes life is hard. These are titles of posts I was going to write before life got too Difficult:

* There are children starving in Africa - Hello there, black stranger (reprise).
* I saw Kim Beazley speak on Sunday night at my Nan's church hall and was very impressed.

* 'Dishing out Justice'  - an upcoming feature article in one of those online music magazines. Check your junk folder.

* 'Up There Cazaly': A History of Things Peter Fitzsimons Might Say,
*'Sydney needs more wine-bars' (and similar) Broadsheet Lift-out Opinion Piece Generator Version 1.0.

---

THINGS A GOOD HOUSE PARTY NEEDS:

1. A boy nicknamed Smackers who is "furious":
"Yeeew! How are ya Smackers?"
"Boys, I'm furious!"

James VS The Recession III

They say people go through a series of different stages (eg shock, denial, rage) when dealing with The Recession. If handing out business cards to people lining up outside Billy Kwong's was a 'stage' in my coping strategy, I had certainly moved on (ran out of business cards).

I returned home and worked on Some Projects, before retiring early. The following morning I arose and checked my To Do list - zero items. I wandered down to Bourke Street Bakery to get coffee and something to eat. It cheered me up to see a long queue of people spilling out the door, waiting to pay too much for things. 'What recession?' They said (with their souls). What recession, indeed.

I sat across the road in the park and drank my coffee. It was a glorious day. The Recession couldn't take that away from me. I'm going to get myself behind some Philadelphia cheese today, I remember thinking at the time. 'Ah, my dear friend Life! Why do you throw me such straight, easy to hit balls?'

 All of a sudden my phone rang*. It was a private number, so I answered in an English accent. 'Hallo?' I said.

'Ah, hello, is that James Ross-Edwards?'

'It is.' I said. 'What is thouth name, madam?'

'Hello James, this is the school secretary from your old high school, how are you?'

I couldn't believe it. 'Are you the one from sick bay?'

'No, I only started last year.'

‘I’m confused…’

'The "Sister" works in the sick bay. I'm the secretary. I am calling on behalf of the Headmaster. He would like to invite you back to the school to address Year 12 students on entering the real world at the end of this year. That is, if you'd be interested.'

'I see. How long should the performance go for?'

'It's just a speech - around 15 minutes I'd imagine? It's during assembly.'

 I won’t bore you with the further details, but it was settled. I rushed home immediately and began preparing my speech. I started out by writing a piecemeal series of dot points containing various things I know about the real world. In order to engage with the intended audience, I tried to keep in mind things that year 12 students would probably find cool. Here is the my research from that day:

THE REAL WORLD – Some points by James Ross-Edwards:

1. People generally get way more interested in fonts after high school. This is regardless of gender, so applies to ALL of you. I can strongly recommend that you all invest in a black t-shirt with the world ‘helvetica’ written on the front.

2. Dudes are always raving about Europe. You should probably all try that out at some point. Like when you are on summer break from your GAP year where you work in an English boarding school and learn so much about the world.

3. Once when I was 18, I arrived home to my parent’s house late at night and there was a guy trying to break into the house. He said he was just looking for a drink of water, but I knew what was going on.

4. Every couple of years you will meet someone you can’t quite place. They are full of contradictions, may have an accent that doesn’t match where they grew up and don’t appear to have a set group of friends or social context. They are willing to drop everything immediately to become your best friend.

a) The person works as a security guard at a pub/night club:

Don’t stress this is normal. If necessary, request that they don’t show you their photos of dead people in Iraq… The conversation will probably go like this:

You: Hey, how you going?

Them: Wanna see my Land Rover?

You: ... Wow, it’s a nice one!

Them: I also have a Harley Davidson.

You: Okay, I’m not really equipped to appreciate that though. My main bragging point is that it’s 2003 and I know who the Kings Of Leon are.

Them: I take a bath every single day.

You: Sweet man, that could be fun.

Them: If you ever need anything like eccies, go or blow, I can sort you out.

You: You can tell we have different ideas about the world because your nicknames for party drugs make me feel uncomfortable.

            b) The person does not work as a security guard:

If this person is of the opposite sex (or you are a gay), you should pash them. These people are way easier to pick up than the people you went to school with. This may be because of their insecurities. It could also be because they dissolve half a gram of speed into their Mount Franklin bottle each morning. Earlier in life they probably excelled at something like ballet or child acting - they never ever mention this. Their fashion sense is inexplicable. 

 If, when you mention a local band to them they recoil in horror, all ‘DO NOT MENTION THAT BAND IN FRONT OF ME! NEVER EVER!’ Ask them why. You may want to start a blog.

TBC...

James VS The Recession II

After the Trouble I had with The Recession late last year, the outlook for 2009 was looking grim. I retreated to the coast mid-January and jumped off some rocks into water a few times - returning invigorated and inspired.

Sydney was all of a sudden a different place; the city opened up to me. I no longer felt conscious of my own body (like when you have an ear infection). I went for a stroll around Crown St and soaked in the atmosphere. This is what I saw and felt.

Billy Kwong's, Crown St:

A group of people were waiting in line for the 6:30PM sitting. They were mostly a bit older than I, and in spite of their relaxed discussion about fused dinners, you could tell that The Recession was lurking somewhere around the middle of their minds:

'I got tickets to The Presets AND season passes to the Swannies!' Said one.

'I hear The Presets are spectacular live.' Said another. This was greeted by a series of solemn nods and mentions that both members were trained at 'the con.'

I paused to do up my shoelace. Oh no! It wasn't today, it was summer (I was wearing thongs). Instead of standing up again, I remained crouching and updated Twitter from my phone. I will never, ever understand why I did this. The conversation outside Billy Kwong's continued.

The main man in the conversation had a shaved head and Barcelona chairs in his heart - which was easily visible from the sleeve of his flanellette shirt. His pre-dinner conversation managed to extend beyond his immediate, incorporating almost all of the waiting diners.

'... It was the strangest thing.' Said a peripheral lady. 'On the way here we saw the word "UPROCK" written in plastic cups on a fence.'

'It's called Cuprocking.' Said the Main Man. 'It's done by a guy from around here. It's pretty cool, huh?'

'Yeah, it's really expressive. And fun!'

'It's a far more efficient way to "bomb a public space," than with spray cans. It's very guerilla.'

'Oh wow, it sounds like it. I don't know very much about street art - working in accounting and all -'

The group suddenly went silent and stared at the ground as several young residents of the Oasis shelter - some of the best real estate in Surry Hills - walked past. The Main Man shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and pulled out his iPhone to make sure he hadn't been outbid on one of those knife blocks that look like the knives are stabbing the contemporary stick figure man.

I could feel the awkardness. You know, with them not knowing each other too well, homeless junky kids walking past and me crouching several metres away just typing their conversation into my phone. It was understandable. I decided to diffuse the situation by talking to them, like I had been part of the conversation  all along. I stood up and took a step towards the Main Man.

'Woah! Those homeless kids are so ugly!'

He looked up from his iPhone. 'Sorry?'

'It was probably lucky they walked past when they did though.' I said. 'I mean, like before you referred to Andy Uprock as one of the main "Cats in the scene" to this lady.' I tried to wink at the lady, but ended up just rapidly blinking (don't know how to wink).

'What are you talking about?'

'Do you also Get performance art?'

'What do you mean?' 

'You know when someone decides to stop going to their job and relating to people? Performance art is what happens when that person wears black slacks and is in a room when Clover Moore is making a speech. THAT, is what I mean.'

He looked at me horrified. 'Who are you?'

I extended my hand. 'Here's my card.'

It read:

James Ross-Edwards.

---

EXTRA UPDATE:

So I'm starting a thing where I interview someone each week about the weather, and what they like/don't like about it. My first interview was with myself, taken last week...

James: Do you like the weather we have been having lately?

James: Maybe not the rain, but I do generally like Autumn.

James: They call it Fall in -

James: I know.

James: Describe what you like the most about Autumn.

James: Yummy blue skies, washed out earthy shades, Pimms and Lemonade while Beirut plays in the background.

James: Wow, that sounds okay.

James: I don't know what Beirut is.

James: It's just a word people say if they are not threatening anyone at all and it is 2007.

James VS The Recession

I once got paid $100 to deliver Christmas hampers around an office building. It was organised by a friend of my Mum's. It was a good deal - it only took a few hours, and at the end everyone got pizza and soft drink. They even told me I could maybe do it again some time.

I reapplied for this job last week only to be rejected. You guess it, The Recession had struck again. They were nice about it, using buzz words like 'seasonal' and 'one-off' to make me feel better. The Recession seems to be placing me on a pedestal (a pedestal that does not allow me to get short-term casual work).

Another example. In late 2001 I made nearly $2000 (about $250,000 today) by selling charity chocolates. Brad helped. I ordered 100 massive boxes of them to my house on behalf of my school, and sold them under the guise of raising money for a school football trip that I was 99% sure would be cancelled (it was).

I tried to recreate this business model in November 2008, sans Brad. I started at Macquarie Bank HQ in the city. This will be great, I remember thinking at the time. Surely The Recession won't bother me in this place. I wandered into the Bond St building feeling confident, $96 RRP of Maltesers in one hand, and equal value in Bounty/Snickers/Mars in the other. If I got rid of those boxes this afternoon, I'd be around $66 in black. 'Electric feel!' I said (a popular expression for excitement at the time).

I wandered in the Bond St entrance and waited for someone to get in the lift, so I could hitch a ride on their security pass. It wasn't long before several of the bank's finest arrived back from lunch at Ryan's Bar. They were all male, over 6 feet and mostly had attended the same private school as I had. This proved a good ice breaker - as I not only fit the above description, but additionally was dressed from head-to-toe in my former school uniform - the most suitable attire I owned.

Before I could start giving my chocolate spiel, the group of us spontaneously erupted into a loud version of 'Sex on Fire' (we didn't have another song we all knew). O the might with which we sang! O the force with which our huddle of bodies was held together - I was anything I wished. I was a Latin phrase at the bottom of a crest, I was an Aboriginal child on a sporting scholarship. I was staring down on Regular Joes and Janes with contempt. In that moment I was Recession Proof. 

Once the sing-along was complete, I was ushered into the lift with a series of backslaps and hugs.

'So what floor are you guys going too?' I said.

'We're all going to a meeting on the 10th. Do you want to come?'

'Yes.'

I followed them out of the lift, and across the corridor of the 10th floor into a meeting room. Two men with enormous head decorations were at the table. It was The Presets.

'KIM, Julian, this man in a school uniform is our friend. He is here to sell us all chocolate for a rugby tour.'

'Silence!' Said The Presets. Several of the men began to shake with fear. 'I don't see any chocolates.'

'I, uh.' I'd somehow lost the chocolates in all the singing and hugging in the lobby. 'I am sorry. I lost them.'

ENDLOGUE

* I returned home, chocolate-less and with a ripped school blazer.

* Several weeks later The Presets played a reportedly amazing show at the Macquarie Bank's Christmas party.

* The Recession continued its progress unabated. It is believed to be currently based out of the empty space at Muscles Music Blog.

Funny/Not Funny

Funny things don't happen to me anymore - this is probably why I haven't been posting so much on this blog. These days just normal stuff happens, basically always. Did you know that over 80% of the funny things I write about never actually happened?

Like that time I wrote about the 70 year old Aboriginal guy who had overdosed on heroin and still managed to escape from RPA and the Police? That wasn't actually me doing those things, I just heard it on the Police scanner at my Old Job.

And like how I once implied that some fellows that Frank Sartor played footy with were dicks because they had suffered some pretty horrible abuse in the past? That isn't true, I've never met them, it was just a guess.

See, nothing funny ever happens in real life - I just made you think it did with my clever writing. If I had had this blog in The Day, there would have had some extremely funny things to write about. 

For example, there was this one day in high school where an argument in recess ended in an agreement to have an informal debate at lunch, exchanging insult for insult. It was me and Will versus Dean and Phil. I didn't back myself impromptu, in the traditional 'yo mama' way of the creoles, so I wrote about 10 pages of notes in my school diary, reserving some extra harsh things in case.

I was a little nervous, being the underdog side, and received some pretty heavy blows early on: 'you have the same haircut as your mum,' a particular one I recall. I was quick to bite back however, drawing first blood:

'Dean pretended he was drunk at Camille Mortlock's party in the Christmas holidays between year 9 and year 10 and he punched a car and broke his hand! And he was wearing a full matching Champion tracksuit!'

I can't remember much more of the abuse I suffered or dished out, perhaps I have blocked out all the harsh things that were said in front of a playground full of people. But everyone laughed, so it must have been funny. Not like today - today is boring.

Google Analytics Report #1

The following is a list of things people have typed into Google that have lead them to my blog. Although I hate to look past the "c-word," I think my favourite is the Q-Bar membership enquiry... Or number 20.

1. tiny men

2. "award school"

3. big coronas or tiny men

4. great humanitarians

5. 36cb69faeb2b6cd6b0e14bbb5837401

6. big coronas small me

7. big cunts

8. big women tiny men fuck

9. claudia newstead*

10. exact tiny for men

11. funny pictures of tiny men

12. james ross's t shirt

13. list of great humanitarians

14. men slang-cockpit

15. mens cardigans, in target, nsw australia

16. myf dingo

17. myf dingo magazine

18. myf warhurst dingo

19. myf warhurst dingo magazine

20. sucking big dicks

21. tiny

22. tinymen or

23. vegas lounge membership card qbar

24. waiting for the front door to splinter, waiting all winter

Monty.

If you run out of money, it is important to get some more straight away, before you get Poor.

Due to an extended string of circumstances, I have found myself spending Tuesday evenings back pouring beers at my grandmother's lawn bowling club. The Tuesday 5-8pm or the 'Rotary' shift has been the property of me and my siblings for several years now. I have never been the primary custodian of the shift, rather it has been passed around between my two younger brothers - with me making the occasional guest appearance.

However, they are busy, I am not - so there I am. Each Tuesday I gratefully receive $57 in an envelope and a handwritten payslip. I arrive to each shift the expected 45 minutes late, leaving exactly 15 minutes early. I don't need to turn on the beer lines as Richard (the cook) has already put away three schooners while preparing the Rotarians meal.

Now then. The scene is set, I am free to talk about Monty...

At around 6:30, the Rotarians start plodding in to launch their Schlieffen-esque sub-committee offensive. They approach me at the bar, usually to order a middy of light or a glass of De Bortoli Colombard Chardonnay - direct from the silver handbag, a steal at $2.20. They are mostly from that ever expanding generation of elderly Australians: 60s and 70s, too young for WWII and The Depression but old enough to be casually racist and believe that corrugated gherkins and squares of tasty cheddar are a pretty decent canape.

Monty is my pick of the bunch. Standing around 5 foot 9, he is too large for small man's syndrome, yet demonstrates most of it's characteristics. Moustached and combed over in a short-sleeve-and-tie combination, he resembles an aged, slightly slimmer version of The Office's David Brent.

'Have you pulled one off the light keg yet?'

'Not yet, but it's been on all day. I just got here.'

'It'll be flat then.'

'That's not really how it works, Monty.'

Monty is in Real Estate Sales - which, of course, anyone in the vicinity can read on his name tag. According to him,  he owns the East Lindfield area. He has twice told me this, while gesturing to his wrist: 'it bought me this mate. Biggest Rolex on the market. Solid Gold.' 

I present him his middy and he eyes it suspiciously. 'More head than I'd usually expect.' Unbeknownst to Monty, nearly every comment he makes about beer has a far better use as sexual innuendo.

'Any less and it'd go flat. $2.60.' I say.

He pulls an estimated $30 in 10 cent pieces from his pocket, drops them on the bar and walks away to set up the PA. I'm left to salvage the money in his wake. Monty spends the next five minutes floating around the bar area - at one point embarrassing a man in his 70s by asking (in front of a group of ladies) if his 'new girl's a good root?' Seconds later I overhear him in a completely unrelated conversation use the term 'young jewess.'

Around 6:45 he returns to his drink at the bar and stares at me for attention, lips slightly parted. 'It's disgusting isn't it?'

'What's disgusting?'

He jerks his head in the direction of a man standing a few metres behind him. 'There's no excuse for being that fat... Despicable.'

I stumble. 'Everyone's different.'

'Nope.' Says Monty. 'No excuse. He's a pig. A doctor once told me that you can look as good as you like.'

I try to take the high road of silence, but let myself down. 'Right?'

'I reckon I look pretty good for 65 mate.'

'-'

Our conversation was unfortunately cut short - the official gong told us that it was 6:55PM, which means everyone takes a seat for a series of toasts. Besides, beef stroganoff won't eat itself. After dinner, Monty entered the meeting in an official capacity, in his role as quiz-master. He took his place on the podium and announced that tonight's topic would be tennis. He looked pretty good, too.

-

Extract from my AWARD School Application

1. Why do you want to be involved in creative communications?

A few years ago I worked as an office temp with an older fellow named Gary. Several times each day, he would say the same thing to me: “We’re not numbers people, James! We’re both creatives!” Our job was to proofread financial Statements of Advice for typographical and pagination errors. ‘Is this what being “a creative” is?’ I wondered.

It soon transpired that Gary was using the term ‘creative’ to refer to his place in the universe as a free spirit, rather than his endless string of office temping assignments. Either way, I began to take a fancy to the title. I was jealous of the patronising tone Gary took with all he spoke to. I wanted to be a creative.

After some extensive research I discovered that I was definitely not a free spirit. I’ll never forget the disappointment when I opened that hemp envelope and saw the rustic Free Spirit Society font, informing me that my application was unsuccessful – my spirit was to be forever condemned. The national FSS representative, John Butler, had signed the letter. I noticed later that he had also written the URL for his band’s Myspace page – a final slap to the soul. My fate was decided, I would never call myself ‘a creative.’

Miraculously, the very next hour, a colleague (after seeing my tears) informed me that most advertising agencies have entire departments of people titled ‘Creatives’ – and with a capital, too! Being involved in creative communication in a physical location (rather than across the entire universe) is obviously my new fate.

Also, John Butler suggested that I cut my suit pants into shorts… I think I cut them too short.

-

Here are some other things that weren't playful- yet-on-point enough for Question 1:

* ... This is not to say that I am homophobic. At request I can provide a roster of gay creative friends who will confirm this.

*1992: I turned up to my primary school’s mufti day wearing a vintage fez in favour of the regulation legionnaires or ‘flap’ hat. Though it offered no sun protection, by default I was not in violation of the ‘no hat no play’ rule. I returned home sunburnt and satisfied, a staff room full of confused board of education employees in my wake.

*1996: At the age of 11 I created a three dimensional, interactive installation that explained the difference between irony and paradox, and more specifically, why the Alanis Morisette song Ironic should in fact be called Paradox. The piece received a huge response both locally and internationally.

* 2003-2007: I patronised baby boomers with my smug understanding of postmodernism no more than three times during this entire period.

*I am unique. I am different. I invent new phrases amongst my friends that last. Students at my former high school reportedly still use the term 'get your cunt out, please' regularly.

* While all the other children were playing games, I was in the corner creating. My vocabulary has enormous an enormous range – I use words and sentences to duck and weave my way through life’s maze. Soliloquy: just one example. Postmodernism is my friend and, unlike Charles Dickens, I realise that an omnipotent voice was NOT the best way to represent London during the Industrial Revolution. I am a layered pastiche of voices. I realise that ‘sampling’ is the new ‘original.’ I use short, truncated sentences. They can be very effective.

My 2008

As most of you will know, each year, like many other Australians, I send out a Christmas card to family and friends telling them about my year. 'Why don't,' I said. 'I post my card on my blog, so people can read it, regardless of stamps? I haven't posted in ages, and Sophie Braham seems to be hogging the spotlight with her tactless "demonstrative vid/photo blogging."'

Unfortunately I was unable to scan or provide a link to an original copy of my card, so I will have to explain the aesthetic using words: My card was a basic, one-sided piece of white, recycled A4 paper. There was a basic green tinsel border that I found in MS clip-art.
At the top of the page was the following text, aligned to the centre in red Comic Sans 34pt: "2008: A big one for James." On the bottom right hand corner was a scanned, colour photo of myself standing in my parents backyard in 2004. I am wearing a karate uniform, with the brown belt I had attained only that afternoon at Thornleigh 'Brick Pit.' There is a lorikeet on my left shoulder that I was not aware of at the time - adrenaline etc. My face is puce due to The Exertion, but I am beaming from ear to ear in the afterglow. The photo takes up about a sixth of the page.

The rest of the page is taken up by the following text. As with the title, it appeared in red Comic Sans (all caps, which I will spare you in this reproduction), however the body copy was a smaller 13pt:

(You will noticed that I divided the year into quarters.)

What a year it has been, friends. We have all laughed, and some us have cried. Let me give you a rundown.

January-March:
Not much happened during this time. It rained quite alot during February, and there were some birthdays I think?

April-June:
Heath Ledger died now or actually earlier probably. Not many birthdays in this quarter of the year. Two Wednesdays in a row my neighbour kept me up with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It felt like Anthony Kiedis was in my bedroom. I went to a party to celebrate someone becoming a homeowner.

July-September:
Dark Knight came out. I went to a nightclub where you had to wear blue jeans and a white t-shirt maybe two times during this period. Coined the term "Expensive fuckwit disguise" for Digital SLR (I was trying for rhyming slang though, so it's technically a failure.)

October-December: This is still happening, so won't say anything too defining. Trouble in Israel seems imminent. Also went to Bar Reggio twice. Can't remember which horse I bet on Melbourne Cup - it didn't win but.

Your Welcome,
James

So it was like 11:30PM on Friday, and I just finished my last uni paper. It's the third time I've been to uni, and the second time that I am going to not go back, but I'm finished you know? And I have a beer at home with Steve. Then Steve goes to bed 'cos he's got stuff to do in the morning. So I finish my beer, and go to meet Jess. And I'm wearing shorts and PE socks with the red and blue socks stripe that they have, my shoes are old Vans that I cut into slippers because they smelt. I smelt bad because my t-shirt smelled because all day and all week I've been sitting in my house writing ad briefs and today that uni thing. And it's done. And it was ten days late, which was okay and now it's good.

I walk up out of my house and walk down to Crown St. I can smell my underarms because you don't need to wear deodorant when you just sit in your house and do things on your computer all day for nearly an entire week. And I'm unemployed now because of the financial crisis. Walking down Crown St I see three Thai ladyboys, a police rescue truck outside the place where slimbo kids hang out and about six dicks in the same "Special K" t-shirts but all on different corners, they weren't even the same dick.

And I watch these two young gay guys kissing on a road and saying goodbye, and then the other one starts running in the other direction. He's probably going back to a gay bar. It's sort of nice because he walked the other one back to a spot, now he's going back to party.

Anyway I am smelling bad and my pants are falling down because I'm not wearing a belt and I don't have a job but I'm sort of glad that I don't because I have already paid my rent and I don't need to spend any big money soon really plus also getting some tax.

Confidence is a thing you can have when you smell and you're unemployed, you see.

The word 'hipster'

It has been bought to my attention that the internet (and maybe even the world minus Africa and Antarctica) has been inundated by people writing articles about the phenomenon of the hipster. How this defined group of people are full of contradictions and sucking the meaning out of former staple working class values like smoking and wearing flanellette.
Phrases like 'ironically detached,' 'narcissism,' and 'Lisa Pryor' are pretty common in these articles. The central theme invariably involves the writer just doing a bunch of philosophy about themself, concluding that a hipster is a bad thing to be. The conclusion usually starts with an accepting sigh: '(SIGH!) Well, I don't care what you say, I'm GLAD I'm not a hipster. (SMUG SIGH) I guess I'll have to be content being a regular, observant white person who lives in the inner city and writes feature articles in the first person. Definetly not a hipster though.'

BONUS: I have decided to write my own definition of hipsters.

Hipster: A Definition by James Ross-Edwards

Hipster is a word that's thrown around all too often these days. Sometimes underpants are called hipsters. If these underpants worked at Bourke St Bakery, would they forget that hospitality is more about being nice than wearing a plaid pinafore and being a dick?

Hipsters usually do things like go to Bandits and be DJs. Some hipsters dress like pirates, others go to club nights that have the F. word in the title. Ketamine is a main drug of hipsters (citation needed).

Everybody needs bio.

Even Peter Fitzsimons. He would insist on writing his own, probably mostly about walking the Kokoda Trail and how schoolboy rugby should be on the ABC on Saturday afternoons instead of the Shute Shield match of the week.

"I'm sorry, Peter, I can't agree there." James said.
"What do you mean? Move out of the way mate, I'm on my way to meet Billy Birmingham. We're going on his yacht, maybe collaborating on a project too."
"Bullshit. Are you going to do a Baltimore remix of the Twelfth Man? Or are you just going to go on and on in the paper, like you always do?"
"Jesus. Go away."

He didn't get my sense of humour at all. He doesn't even know what Baltimore is!*

*Baltimore is a word that people say if it is 2007, and they are in Sydney.

I* wrote a bio for a DJ named Roulade instead. He is from rouladeunlimited.com. Here it is:

*After re-reading, it is apparent that Roulade wrote some bits of this himself. "Perthonality," for example, is all his.

ROULADE
With his former moniker (Turbosaurus) ageing faster than the concept of the allover print hoodie, unnamed required something new. After reading in a fashion/culture blog that the two fads of the day were French things and fashion/culture blogs, a new direction was taken sans time wasting. Road-testing all manner of stage props from crucifixes to laser pyramids, grew tired or gimmicks, subversive street art and the foul taste of cigarette smoke.


Foregoing his commitments as a floundering Perthonality, unnamed relocated to Sydney in early 2008, keen to see the sun rise over water. Bitterly disappointed and seeking wisdom, unnamed turned to The Good Dude Radge, who immediately directed him towards the door of one of those soup kitchens in Darlinghurst that feed homeless people. Not sharing Radge’s benevolent nature, he left him to it, later conferring over a bespoke instant messaging program, they decided on Roulade.


“Roulade is intertextual, as it references a popular French dish.” Roulade paused before adding, “and anyone that doesn’t consider food a text is a wanker.”


“So one night at [place] we were supporting [name]. I was sitting in the green room having a drink and this young guy with a [haircut] and [shoes] walks up to me and says: ‘Roulade! Those jams earlier were pretty sick.’ I said thanks. He then asked me, rhetorically I think, ‘how do you do it, dude?’ Do you know what I said?”

“No?”

“I told him that I ensure that there is a CD playing at all times…”

“That’s all?”

“Nah, I also try and avoid Crookers remixes (loudly raise roof x3).”


Since his east coast relocation, Roulade has been gently simmering in the fruitier side of the 4/4 time signature, dealing heavily in [insert specific genres] as well as occasionally dabbling in [street cred genre].


If you want to know where to find him, follow the beats (bold text = growled out loud). If that doesn’t work, just call his work… The receptionist is lovely and will put you straight through.

Something new.

I was asked to write some creative writing by a guy for a thing. This is what I wrote:

Frank Sartor: A Novel by James Ross-Edwards

Frank Sartor awoke with a start. It was 4:51am. Nightmares and cold sweats were routine for him, and he cursed the day he ever decided to be a crime-solving pilot. Hauling himself upright, Frank answered his bedside phone, which had been ringing for some time.
"Hello?" He answered, grumpily.
"My name is Detective Amber Liebervitz, I am calling on urgent business from Europe." The voice was foreignly accented, and perhaps sinister.
"Hey listen buddy, it's the middle of the night– "
"Mr Sartor." The clipped European voice continued. "I suggested you listen, and listen carefully-"
"No I suggest you listen!" Frank was getting mad. If there was something he didn't like, it was getting woken up by a nut. And this is exactly what had just happened. “Mr Liebervitz, I’m a pilot that solves crime. Do you have any idea how busy I am? I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. With all due respect, this better be important.”
“It’s the Bermuda Triangle, Mr Sartor.”
“What about it?”
“You will be informed in good time, Sir. That is, if you agree to help us.”
“Do I have a choice?”
“There is a car waiting for you. Good day, Mr Sartor.”

Frank sighed and reached for his pilot’s pants. It was going to be a long day.

---

For lack of any material of my own, I have commissioned a friend of mine, Frank, to write creatively on my behalf. I pay him in friendship and an occasional cooked dinner, and he completes my assignments and any other projects that come my way. Frank is not a brilliant author or particularly creative, but, unbeknownst to himself, his writing comes across with a distinct postmodern edge. The pastiche is thickened when the work is passed off as my own, resulting in an alarmingly satisfying dialogue between author and audience:
"Are you having a pretty satisfying time, reader?"
"I'm having such a satisfying time, dude."*

*Simplified conversation

---

"So James, what have you been up to lately?"
"Not much, hey. Writing some fiction and stuff a bit, I s'pose."
"What sort of fiction?"
"The kind that isn't true. It mainly focuses on a central character called Frank Sartor."
“…”
"Oh and before you ask, it isn't anything to do with the former NSW Government Minister!"
"Yeah. I know. You know another guy called Frank Sartor. You tell me this every time you drink. You texted me those exact words last week."
"A cry for help, a –"
"What?"
"Sorry man, I was just starting a soliloquy. Do you read much Contemp-Amer?"
"Wha–"
"Contemporary American literature. Like Dave Eggers, McSweeney’s and that. It's crap, I hate it. So much smug irony, all playing with language. I swear I'm going to cancel my subscription soon..."
"This is a lopsided conversation."
"(d)ude sometimes you have to play with the laws of language and gramm’ar for a certain effect."
"It sounds like you're crying out for help. All just John Brogden-ing in the office you don't actually have. Just like, three gin and tonics with actual lime wedges, texting an old school friend something cryptic and vague that could mean something, but doesn't."*

---

On the way to the cockpit, Frank remembered that he was wearing his lucky blue satin boxer shorts. His crime-solving mentor, Captain Joe Harvey, had given them to him, as a graduation present, and he never flew without them. Yeah Boi, he thought to himself. Yeah boiii.*


*I’m sorry James, but I don't know where to continue to from here. Spicks and Specks is about to start. Below I have included an internet diary that I’ve been working on. Maybe you can include this in your novel about me?
Frank ☺

Frank is sick of work now. 07:17 PM September 22, 2008

At nans. 01:42 PM September 23, 2008

1 spaghetti bolognese please Mum! 10:30 PM September 23, 2008

Frank is maybe actually gearing up for a big night in The Cross??? 04:22 PM September 25, 2008

I've experienced a fairly serious bout of writer's block lately. Granted, it is a totally pretentious illness - and I should know, I only listen to music in which the artist has a one word name, that is a noun. It isn't that I hate any certain types of music more than others. The fact is, I hate all types of music - it is a terrible, diluted art form that's only useful purpose is to divide people into easily definable categories. One-name artists are, for my mind, the only artists worth listening to. I have an Amazing* friend, who argues ferociously for artists with names that have the vowels removed, and sometimes appear as an acronym. This friend and I frequently argue over things. Just the other day, he described a fully grown man as cute. I disagreed.

*he is African.

Frank Sartor on "Pilgrims"

James has asked me to write about the Pilgrims that are visiting Sydney for World Youth Day:

It seems that a lot of people are making comments about these visitors to our city. At training last night I overheard Pete (coach of First Grade) talking to Grub (#8 for Seconds). Their conversation:

Pete: Fucken' pilgrims. Mate, I don't wanna make a big go of it, 'cos I know some of the boys are Catholic.
Grub: Yeah, like Legsy...
Pete: Yeah yeah, Legsy and quite a few of the others too. But I'm pretty sick of these chopper cunts in orange backpacks."
Grub: Thommo's one too I think, and his brother.
Pete: Yeah, Thommo and Hollywood. Marist boys.
Grub: But those boys are always rootin'!
Pete: Exactly mate. The religion's bullshit!

Pete and Grub are good friends. They often have a cigarette together next to the sheds before training. Grub's brother is in gaol (jail), I'm not sure why, but once Pete punched a Blue Mountains bloke in the throat for making a joke about it.

It used to be about being funny, then I went to University.
It used to be about being regular, then I went to University.
Intertextuality was something I dabbled in, but never cried about. Then I went to University.
It didn't matter that I hadn't read Anna Karenina before I went to University. I still haven't, but now this is a thing I should have done.

Here is an excerpt of something new. It is the introduction of Frank's new book, 'A Haiku by Frank Sartor - Published and Edited by James Ross-Edwards'. It is mostly Frank's own work, but was glad to lend my deft touch to the introduction.

-

Note from the publisher (and mastermind) on the second edition:

As a scholar, raconteur and man of letters, becoming blasé at the sight of brilliance is an occupational hazard. My inbox overflows daily with manuscripts to peruse, speaking engagements, interview requests – usually someone from (the) sydney magazine wondering where I get my coffee.

With such a busy schedule, deciphering understated genius from glorified mediocrity is increasingly difficult. As is true to literature as it is to life, the greatest gifts are usually presented in the most unlikely ways.

During a particularly cold April morning, I was sitting in bed, browsing the papers and the morning mail, enjoying a pre-prandial cigarette and cup of tea courtesy of my PA, Jeeves. I was particularly dreading the day, a gauntlet of meetings with my difficult agent and her gaggle of incompetent geese, and a pre-recording of an interview for some sort of digital television channel – horrible, hollow. Such was my foul mood, I could hardly force down my eggs benedict, and felt a little guilty later for shouting at Jeeves. The poor thing didn’t deserve that. Not now. Not from me.
After recollecting my thoughts and freshening up, I ventured out into the breezy Sydney morning, on my way to the first appointment of the day. As I wandered down the street pondering the pathetic state of literature in Australia, I felt my mobile phone vibrate against the soft cotton lining of my trousers – I had received a text message. It was from an acquaintance of mine, Frank Sartor. He was known to me only as a simple man with a pleasant demeanour. I had acquired his phone number by mistake, as he shared a name with a powerful man that I had several problems with. The message read as follows:

“Hello James this is Frank Sartor, the one who knows you. I hope you like this Haiku…”

What followed is, of course, history, as this second, collector’s edition, copy of A Haiku, by Frank Sartor – published and edited by James Ross-Edwards will attest. The moment I read this efficacious piece of verse, I felt a dark numbing feeling inside my chest – and I simply knew I must publish it to tell Frank’s story, all of our stories.

Our critics were ever present throughout the development phase, slamming the concept of a seventeen-syllable poem being sold as an entire book. “Who does James Ross-Edwards think he is?” They said. “Pompous, talentless, nobody. Ross-Edwards has manipulated and used a talented – and obviously naïve – young writer to make a few quick dollars from a market that should know better.” Despite this initial criticism, the first printing of AHBFSP&EBJR-E was an astounding success, and this second edition, featuring supplementary material including press coverage of The Haiku, guest author’s interpretations, and a diary entry from Frank, promises much to satisfy even the most insatiable Sartorialist.

Please enjoy this short work of astounding brilliance.


When I asked James what this all meant he threw his hands in the air, then paced around rubbing his temples and clicking his tongue. “Don’t you see, Frank? Can you not see what we have done here!” I told him that I had written a Haiku, and he didn’t need to go on about it so much.
“Frank, my friend. We have created something out of nothing! We have written a book about a three-line poem, and not even included the Haiku. This is postmodernism, Frank! This is art!”
“But you don’t actually have a PA named Jeeves.”
“It’s intertextual and it’s brilliant! I am engaging in a ‘wink-nudge’ dialogue with my readers, and we are all utterly satisfied.”

I also thought I should clarify that James’ desk is not actually mahogany, it’s laminex.

Postmodernism.

I am sorry for being a terrible man. What with me being all nouveau and crass in my office job lately, I have been ignoring you.

---

I am pleased to announce that we will be releasing another zine/my theory and reading major work.

The working title: "Haiku, by Frank Sartor"

The body of text will be an all original, straight up 5-7-5 layed down by F. Sartor. I am reluctant to offer a sneak preview, as I do not wish to diminish sales by revealing the beginning and end of the haiku. Here is the middle line:

"Maybe not at my expense?"

"Haiku, by Frank Sartor" will be supplemented by 17 pages of endnotes, and is released on the day of the Sydney Writer's Festival zine fair/is due in a bit over a week.

Frank Sartor checks in with a haiku

A pre-season fight
Clock, Undies, Pubes all involved
Boys got too rowdy

Some time shortly before 1788...

A general update: The captain has been uttering unthinkable utterances. Some of the men fear that he has caught the Consumption from a prostitute, Errol, his best girl. I have been avoiding close contact with him where possible, mostly confining myself to my cabin and the waste trough I share with the other other men convicts. Myself and several others have taken to warding off Delirium and Brainstop by appreciating and discussing various musics. One of the fellows, an Irish lad, smuggled aboard a collection of burnt CDRs filled with various club tracks, while a fellow Englishman inexplicably owns a fairly decent set of CDJs. We have been learning earnestly, and hopefully by the time we dock in new South-Wales we will be able to seek our fortune as proficient DJs.

{The rest of this entry is illegible, as it is stained with salted pork rations and a crude list, written in texta, titled "128bpm"}