the abercrombie...

* Sunday afternoon saw myself, Will, Brad (aka 'Simmo' aka 'B-unit' aka 'Big guy' eg 'Simmo is a lunatic on the cans') ventured down to the Abercrombie for some Sunday afternoon beers and some tunes courtesy of the travelling Levins music machine which included Spod dj-ing. We were just getting comfy on a favourite disgusting old couch inside and finishing our first jug of beez neez when we were priveleged enough to be joined by Ng - whose glazed look suggested that he was still quite hungover from the previous night which no doubt consisted of nice shoes and comic-speak.
After our second or third round we were lucky enough to be joined by Nina, who still hasn't gotten over the fact that she met the Kings of Leon (poser).

The great company did not end there people... Several rounds, and some toilet graffiti later (I wrote my name above the trough in biro) we were joined by the one and only Steve Lloyd and his girlfriend Emma. Steve had been excited into a state when I rang him to say that Spod was playing... After making the effort to come down he realised that not only was Spod ONLY playing a DJ set but he had in fact arrived half an hour after Spod had left the building... or courtyard as it may be. At some stage some guy that Ng knew called Zander or something was also there - who attempted to ask out the bar girl named 'Uncye' (that is a vague guess at the spelling based on the pronounciation). Uncye politely said no and kept cleaning the bar.

The following things also happened during the night:
* I saw Quan from Regurgitator and made Nina dare me to go up to him and say: 'Hey Quan, I like your old stuff better than your new stuff!! (exclamation marks strictly optional). After finally convincing Nina to dare me to do something so edgy and smart, I ended up mentally preparing for to long and Quan had left... Probably to see how the other guy in the band and Yumi are doing.

* Ng went for a walk and fell asleep down the road... Someone had to bring him back. I think it was effects from the opium him and his people have been smoking for the last several hundred years... Cursed yellow peril.

* We listened Snoop and Dre's 'Next Episode' I think.

* Brad got angry at me for repeatedly pointing at him and saying 'Simmo!' and things like 'Simmo is wild' or 'Simmo is ann absolute mongrel on the cans'.

* On the bus to Newtown later, Ng's friend with a funny name tried to make people sing... The only song that got any reception was John Farnham's 'You're the voice'. One guy joined in...he had two hearing aids and was a great singer.

* Me and Will had a text messaging war on the way home. Will cut me deep with this one:

Will to James:
'Hi im James, an arts
graduate. Got a parent who could
give me a leg up?
Cant help falling in love. give me a girl,
a blog and a bar. Im
so lonely...

The joke's on him though. Your grammar and punctuation suck and so do your pants and hair!

... A good night all around.

he stage dived and he missed, he staged dived and he missed

Lack of inspiration... Nothing to write about. My brain is clogged with menial labour, Eric Bana, OC series 1 and 2 and voices in my head telling me to sail to Tahiti (fucken OC again).

We had a radio show on Wednesday night/Thursday morning... We are sucking a fair bit less than we used to. I got the following comment:
'Steve sounds like an actual professional...Not that you sound bad, you just sounded like his guest or something'
- I can't believe I actually immortalised that in print... That will get Steve out of bed for the next week. I reckon maybe longer.

Personal notes:

Having just come off the largest week in a while (Randomly pissed at the Crowie on Tuesday night, White Stripes gig Wednesday, BDO Thursday, 6 hours of 'OC' season 1 on Friday, and a mates birthday cruise on Saturday that started at 10:30am on a boat in the harbour and ended 4:00am Sunday tired, drunk, penniless and fast losing the term 'loveably' from the phrase 'loveably obnoxious'). In reflection of the week that has just been I thought I would direct a few questions at certain individuals.

Jack White: Jack, I think I am going to ask Meg to marry me... What will that make us? Brothers? Lovers? Enemies? I hope you won't beat me up like you did the guy from the Von Bondies... Do you mind if I write some songs for Meg's solo album?

Meg White: Will you marry me?

Meg White: I have an idea... How do you feel about starting up a 2-piece, husband-wife band? Sure I'm not much chop on the guitar, and can't sing for shit... No need to look at me like that, you're drumming is sub-par and often out of time.

Tom Hill: Thomas your blog is splendid reading. www.alcoholicsanonymouswithanajaxkicker.blogspot.com

Organisers of the Sydney BDO: I'm sorry about urinating on some of your tents and scaffolding, and floors... If you don't want this to happen in the future perhaps you should give me a VIP card or something.

Wolfmother: What is a 'Mind's Eye?' Is it something Ozzy Osborne taught you?

Tex Perkins: If Tim Rogers fell over and died one day you would be my new living hero of Australian music...

Kings of Leon: How did you guys get those pants to do up? Was it nice meeting Nina?

Steve: Are you trying to beat me at the only thing I can distinguish myself with? nice entry... I like the way it was largely about me. www.jamesandsteve.blogspot.com
- I'll see you on the airwaves! Or maybe in the car on the way!
- 1-6am, 2nd of Feb 94.5 on the FM dial.

Tim Rogers: Look out behind you man, I think Tex Perkins just tried to push you down the stairs.

Seth Cohen: A few questions...
1. How do you maintain your sharp, satirical wit with all the drama that goes on around you all the time?
2. Do you ever miss Anna? She was great eh!
3. Self-deprecators are kings among comedians don't you think Seth... All us tall, skinny wankers know that (Am I right or what?... Anyone?)

Kym: Now that you are no longer a 9-5er I hope that you still read this fine publication.

Sandy Cohen: Does it wear you out being a Saint amongst men? Because you look bloody fantastic for your age.

And I will fully like, love you, always...how does that song go?

This is an inbetween post - like a solo album between touring with the rest of the band...
The rest of the Falls journal is on it's way.

Three important points:

1. First and foremost please visit www.jamesandsteve.blogspot.com , it's a blog dedicated to following the every move of Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O... I just don't know how they can be so funny every morning!!!!!

2. Thanks I had a great weekend, I went to Kym's party, then the Mandarin Club to pash Ng and firmly molest Levins, then to what I swear was 'Gasworks' the heavy metal nightclub from the first Wayne's World but I'm told was 77 on Williams St... Holy shit, I have never seen such immaculate posing... Oh and to whoever was DJing? By playing The Clashes 'London Calling' I think you almost fooled 'ironically cool' into thinking it was someone else. It's like the people at these places (much like the crowd that frequented the Pacific Blue Room for 'Death Disco' several years back) are the type of people that simply don't exist in daylight, it would certainly not be practical if they did. Perhaps at the break of day they turn into pumpkins or maybe the plastic bags that line the bins on Crown Street... Making them the receptacle of (devestatingly appropriately) 'Crown Street trash'.

3. I don't know if the Falls' diaries will ever be completed. To save everyone the suspense that may never convert itself into realised satisfaction...
- Falls was great
- broke radiator on some arseholes tow-bar (my fault completely - Sleeping Beauty aka Pidge wasn't a great help either) on the way home
had to leave the borrowed CRV in Lorne (just over 1000kms from my driveway)
- public transport to Melbourne (the 5 dickheads next to me on the Lorne-Geelong bus took acid as soon as we got on the bus... about half an hour in the guy turned to me and said: 'Did you just call me a fucken loser?'... This suprised me, I didn't know that acid enabled people to read minds).
- stayed at Brads cousin Cheryl's house in Melbourne
went to the Espy, got a counter meal, stupid city hasn't even invented buzzers for bistro food, decided that despite lackm of buzzers and bitchy bistro staff Melbourne beats Sydney
- oh yeah the guy in the record store in Brunswick St was smoking behind the counter at his shop... you would never see that shit here. Not passing judgement either way, just saying... you would never see that shit here.

Oh yeah... to the two girls who put their deposit on that cool apartment in Ernest Street two minutes before us on Saturday... Get used to a seedy guy in nowt but a trenchcoat standing below you're spacious balcony, furiously masturbating and watching you eat your morning cereal...
That's right, I'm sending Brad around until you give us our house back.

Day 1 of The Falls road trip - 'Are those thongs watermelon coloured?'

Happy new year to most...whatever to others!

The Falls Festival Road Trip Diary:

28th Dec -
Arose around 6:30am tired and a bit sweaty as is characteristic of a Sydney summer. Had to jump straight to action as we were due to leave at 7:30. After 25minute shower (sorry farmers) I got dressed, finished packing and waited for Will to arrive so we could leave.
8:10 - Will arrives pretending he isn't late.
8:25 - Doug has called asking for us to come and pick us up from his parents place, this is impressive as with no landline, mobile or idea of where he was staying the night before - I had my doubts he would materialise let alone call us at such an early hour.
10:00 - Doug is in the car, the borrowed CRV is rocketing towards Melbourne.
10:05 - Will to James: 'Did you bring your tickets?'
10:25 - Back at my house, searching for tickets.
12:00 - Goulbourn Maccas.
12:26 - Goulbourn Subway waiting for Doug to get his vegetarian option...selfish.
14:17 - Three-way sing-along to Alanis Morisette 'Ironic' so loud that we needed to pull over in a landlocked town with a massive submarine as it's chief attraction to remind ourselves what irony really is.
14:20 - Did a poo in the toilets next to the big submarine.
14:58 - Finished an argument on whether or not it would be ironic if it rained on your wedding day if you were marrying Tim Bailey... Agreed that it probably would be but too many variables presented themselves: indoor or outdoor venue, legality of gay marriage, do you really love him or is it just the 'weatherman' you are marrying? etc. etc.
16:47 - Met up with other vehicle in party, they were at the 'Booma Hotel' in Albury and only convinced Brad to stop for a rest because someone had told him that there was a shop that sold pastel sweaters at low low prices... Sam felt bad for deceiving Brad but felt it was necessary as he was 'stinging for a schooner'... Unfortunately for him we were far enough away from Sydney that only pots and pints were on offer, but we were still close enough that the pub bore all the stainless-steel, pokie-lounge, mutton-dressed-as-lamb attributes that plague suburban hotels of Sydney.
16:58 - Me and Brad decided to swap the plugs in his green thongs with those in my pink thongs. After some effort we achieved our goal.
17:14 - Realised that me and Brad could no longer safely walk side by side with our heterosexuality intact... This matter was inflamed when I had to leave the beer garden and walk through the public bar in watermelon thongs and pink shorts, to the sultry stares of clearly impressed local workers who I'm sure wanted to know where they could themselves accquire such manly fashion.
17:30 - Back on the road, charging towards the city of vintage couches and zero no-smoking signs.
17:42 - Having just crossed the border and left the arse-end of Wodonga Will shows a touch of his pre-going-to-uni-in-Canberra conservative cautiousness suggesting that we stop for petrol.
'Nonsense!' James declares loudly, 'the light hasn't even come on yet! We have at least 100kms after that!'
17:43 - The petrol light on the borrowed CRV lights up.
18:51 - (Around 100km later) I am slightly nervous as we were due to run out of petrol near a service-stationless town that declared itself 'The horse-capital of Australia' - not a horse in sight... irony? Maybe it's on Alanis' forthcoming ''b-sides and rarities'. Additionally, about 20 minutes earlier Will had declared that if we were to run out of petrol due to my stupidity , he would be allowed to take advantage of me while he was wearing nothing but black Clark's school shoes and a lime-green industrie polo shirt with the collar up.
19:00 - Found service station in town that declared itself 'The next one down from the horse capital of Australia'. Pumped petrol while still shaking a little bit with relief.
19:11 - Made Will put his school shoes back in his bag.
19:44 - Entering Melbourne finishing an emotional conversation about how much travelling and experiencing different places opens up your mind. Started an emotional conversation about how much we hate people with different cultures and ideas.
21:12 - Finally found our motel 'Best Western - Tullamarine'. Wondering in fact how close it was to the airport (we had to pick up Milo early the next morning), it was quickly noted that we were in fact sleeping within metres of the long-term parking station and were quite possibly in the same street as the Kerrigan family. It wasn't a motel, it was a fucking home.
22:00 - The four of us in the A-party (myself, Will, Doug and Liv) scrubbed up and presented ourselves to the bar/bistro for a somewhat limited choice of dinner: Wedges or fries. I chose wedges.
23:45 - The Ten Networks summer series 'Shopping for Love' was finished and so were we. I fell asleep in my foldout bed dreaming of scoring a dream date at Conrad Jupiters on the Gold Coast with Sharon - the knockout that kept her 'Miss Indy' winners sashes on her bedposts.

- stay tuned for day 2: 'Are youse going to Falls?'

Christmas Cards.

You know those piss-weak, self-indulgent, christmas cards that you get every year from over achieving families (usually people that your parents used to hang out but haven't seen since back in the days when people smoked inside at parties, or you are distantly related to through marriage). They suck. Here's mine for 05'

Season's Greetings and Happy New Year from James Ross-Edwards incorporated!

I hope you have all had as fruitful a year as everyone at J.R-Einc has!
Just to let you know just how proud we are of James, and all his achievements, we thought we would take some time out from silly-season festivities to list every single step James has done this year, in the process hopefully making you feel like an under-achieving twat.

2005 started with a literal bang this year as James bumped his head while drunk in a tiny, dank hostel/motor Inn in Canada that he called home for three months. Being an outdoorsy traveller type, there was no pinning him down, spending the best part of January and February unblocking toilets in the worst 3.5 star hotel in Whistler! On the occasions that he actually did go skiing with (insert friends names here) he enjoyed it immensely saying often that 'my favourite part is lunch'.

After a brief trip to the city that never sleeps, James made a stop off to catch up with his younger brother Pubes who has spent this year living in Ireland. James soaked up the atmosphere in Ireland, quickly learning that you do not get thrown out of pubs for vomiting inside and that 'gypsy's don't like being called "Pikey's"' it was time to get back down-under and take legal action against Guy Ritchie.

The low flying buzz of the march-fly signalled the start of James' third and final year studying arts at the University of Sydney. Politically minded from his fantastic upbringing, James involved himself actively in the STOP VSU campaign, finding that the best way to get the message across was to sit quietly at the back nodding in agreement but not getting to close...Everyone knows that hippies smell like crap. Throwing himself back into University life, James was involved in (insert clubs and soc names here), and needless to say was often a little too familiar with some of the 'more social' aspects of university life (insert pause for understanding chuckle from baby boomers whose education was paid for, and thus had way more money to spend on booze).

James still works as a bartender at the infamous Albert's tavern, and is said to have a top rapport with staff and customers alike: 'James not only sucks the marrow out of life, but also the fun out of a workplace and the tar out of cigarettes'.

James' year was also filled with a visit to Perth, in which some Hari Krishna's tried to poison him and some guy in a pub called him a 'queer bastard' as a stab at his highly acclaimed boy-george style fringe. With a BA behind him, our young hero is thinking of getting a job this year as a CEO or maybe a heart surgeon.

(This is the part of the christmas card, in which the family/individual pretty much just squeezes anything they think could sound respectable/credible, and thus invoking jealousy)
Oh yeah, did I mention that James met (insert band members names here), has no problem getting into (name cool bars/nightclubs) here. I wish he could be hear to sign this card now but he's down on Crown St posing and telling people that he knows the Banggang DJs and is somehow related to one of the guys from Sneaky Sound System... Did I mention that he knows someone at Cabana bar...so any 18 year old girls, he can't get you in, but if he eventually buys a collared shirt and a pair of shit square toed leather shoes then maybe he'll see you in there eh?

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all,
Hopefully catch up with you all very soon (hopefully this letter has made you want to catch up with me more... By sending you this card I'm probably just gloating about my achievements or want something from you.)

James Ross-Edwards Incorporated
xoxo

21 years in Freddy Mercury's shadow

It was my 21st birthday last Saturday.
Just another year that I have not yet achieved my life goal of making it into the social pages in the Sun-Herald. I like to think that all is not lost though, I have made progress.

Alot has happened this year though, I would be lying if I pretended that it was a vacuous space of nothingness. I finished uni, got a radio show, learnt how to drive a forklift, picked up the phrase 'whatever, get over it', stopped saying the 'c word' so much...I'm not sure about my social skills, I have either become more awkward - or maybe have stayed the same but have begun to realise that I should make the decision to either shut or open my mouth and go with it. Halfway town is frequently the wrong place to be.

My last birthday was spent in the hallway at a disgusting hostel in Canada, this one was at home... Props and love to the few consistencies!
- Brad
- Annika
- Booze
- Peter Stuyvesant

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of my life for the first 21 years. I couldn't have done it without you all. Notable mentions to PUBES who is still swanning around in Ireland with his best mate Tim Rogers - I will see you soon Pubie... Also I hear Beaver got a ton! That's good isn't it Pubes? Ps. Cheers for the perfect present, a fiver in a card.

In regard to Saturday night:
Also rans go to Brad, Sam, Adam and Will (not Spencer and Anderson) for insisting that we keep drinking until 7:40am at Vegas in Kings Cross... It was just like old times, except we used to have souls... Also to Ng, Emma, Nick and Andy, soul-less freaks indeed.

Last but certainly not least, Annika, for contending with me and Brad, the two most inadequate tour guides ever. People from Sydney should know more about their own city than people from Perth. Also for my present, which is the coolest thing I've ever got.

So cheers, I'm off to go find my own style... or I might just copy the Strokes, cos noone else has done that yet.

Anyway, please comment. (there's a shit load to comment on here, trust me... If you don't think this post was funny, go back and read it again.)

NEVER GIVE UP (just thinking about Dawn)

The last several weeks I've been doing 'real work', in fact real mans work. Here are several facts I think you pampered, blog-reading, modular-tsubi christmas party going, bang-gang dj befriending, jobless cretins may find useful:

1. If you come across a fork-lift driver known as 'grandad' be warned... Especially if you are 'one of those fucken dumb sluts pickin kids up from school...Fucken bitches can't do a U-turn, can't park, Jesus!'

2. There is this massive industrial hardware place in Bankstown called 'Express'...It's like Bunnings except the staff don't wear tomato-coloured shirts and are far more manly. I have been there numerous times to pick up orders (yeah thats right, orders!) of (sniff) various nuts, bolts and other(sniff) components necessary to (sniff) erect scaffolding... Anyway, I have never been anywhere in my life with a) less women and b) more homosexual innuendo...When I first walked in there I thought it was the set for gay porn. A word of advice... don't bother trying to explain this to co-workers.

3. Attaining a Bachelor of Arts majoring in History and Performance Studies does not qualify you to use an angle grinder, drive a forklift or indeed make you a passable worker.

COMPLETELY UNRELATED NOTE:
Potential radio names:
'Trousers Naroo'
'Monkey Allan'
'Undies O'Halloran'
'Joost Van-Tastic'
- LISTEN TO JAMES, STEVE AND SOME BAND FROM PERTH FRIDAY 2ND OF DEC, 1-6AM - FBI 94.5FM

You will know me when you see me... I'll be the one with the pink carnation

A few things you might not know...

* Backpacker cruises make for shit hangovers the next day... I think its all the English people in novelty t-shirts - 'Fuck me I'm famous', the more simple 'sleazy' or the classic pun 'I'm not a vegetarian but I'm off my chops'.

* It's quite an empowering feeling sitting in Kings Cross maccas late at night. Whether it be chatting to the guys from the year below at school that have made the lucrative career move of permanent part-time cocaine user or staring at junkies thinking 'that's sad... Remind me never to do that' - It's a great way to think you have over achieved... How does that song go?

* The bongos at Cargo Bar have a microphone in them (after the cruise, it's not like I go to Cargo all the time... God. I'm way cooler than that, I listen to music and go to late night venues that you've never heard of - Most of the bars I drink in you need to knock on a red door, then a doorbitch stares through a gap in it, decides whether you're cool enough then either lets you in or rejects you... Out of all the times I have been to these said bars if have only been turned away like 13 or 14 times, but I go out alot, and a few of those times I was with a few really ugly people...so). When I got up to play them I realised that instead of wasting the microphone on amplified percussion you could turn it around and yell things into it, it was bloody loud. Of everything profound or funny I could say to the entire bar do you know what I said?
"Brad purrs like a Wolverine" (to this I have to give a footnote-style nod in the direction of Roland Ellis).

* I have $1.77 in my bank as of this morning. It's actually not that bad because I have money in a different account. Still, a man needs really expensive pants and shoes.

* According to Chuck Hahn the James Squire porter ale goes really well with ".....Mudcake"

* I'm going to open a thai restaurant... I'm thinking of calling it Thai-burculosis, Clauds thought it was a Thai-ribble idea though.

Selection of Quotes vol. 1.

* 'He/She has a head like Parramatta Road'
- Noone actually said this, I was just thinking of new localised insults when I was driving down the road and this one came out on top.

* 'He definitely has a fair dash of Anglican in him'
- Will, offering insight on a good friends hate for an unmown lawn

* 'Calm down mate...There's a fucken drought on!'
- Apparently the solution to any argument in Wagga (courtesy S. Lloyd)

* 'Gin is the new vodka'
- Not quite apparently, 'but it is up to us bartenders to continue the education of gin with our customers...' according to Bars and Clubs magazine. October, 2005

* 'It's not exactly 9 to 5, you know... It's all over the place a bit...so...'
- Awkward conversation involving the question of 'what are you up to now?'

* 'Do you mind if I whip out the back and suck down a fag?'
- Lucas' constant request, sometimes not even at work.

* 'PENS DOWN MEANS PENS DOWN!'
- Angry old lady examiner said to girl today in exam in response to the question 'can I please write my name on the exam?' She did not relent and the girl had to hand in her exam with no name on it. Irrational following of rules, anyone?

* 'Yes.'
- The answer to the posing challenge to creative design: 'Is there such thing as a pair of sunglasses so obnoxious that even Jesus would look like a dick if he wore them?'

* 'It's absolutely fantastic!'
- Cameron Shepherd on being selected in the Wallabies touring squad, and nearly every question he has been asked in the last 5 years with exclusion to apologies about jumping on a car.

SEPERATED AT BIRTH? KRISTENSEN CALLS FOR FULL INQUIRY

When I awoke on Sunday morning, my bitterness over having to do a take-home exam slightly subsided when I realised that while I was asleep I received a text message from the very-soon-to-be-in-Sydney Annika.

She had written to me suggesting that she had just encountered my long lost twin brother, he was on stage singing in the band Faker. After receiving this message I did some research and found some photos of the guilty impersonator posing to be me: it appears the band name 'Faker' is more than appropriate doesn't it...hahahaha.

I don't really look like him that much I don't think...Sure we are both the front-men of New-wave rock bands and we both look great in tight denim...But the similarities end there. And we both have 'lovely fair skin' - quote an old lady in the shops last week.

Personally Ak, I think I look more like my brother Bernie pictured below...but I guess we will have to wait for the DNA samples to come back from 'the lab'.

A rock and a hard place

Today (Tuesday) being Melbourne Cup day was a very interesting day at work. Not only is work strewn with decorations and real-life ponies with real-life shit as part of the theme, BUT, we are extremely busy, AND, we have to dress up. This is not always a bad thing, last year I got to be a bookie and wear a cool polyester plaid suit and hat. This year I had to be a jockey.

Having anticipated that we would be dressing up I did not wear my work cl0thes to work as I could not be bothered ironing a shirt that I would inevitably not be wearing anyway (actually my mum usually irons my shirts for me anyway) so I wore 'normal clothes'. When I woke up this morning to put on said normal clothes I noticed a t-shirt in my drawer that hadn't been worn in ages: the best bit about this is that is was a 'Human Nature t-shirt. It was given to me as a birthday present about 5 years ago in a flurry of year 2000/2001 humourous irony.

Anyway, so I was wearing a 'Human Nature' t-shirt underneath pink and purple jockey silks - Camp, granted. After the race at 3pm everyone else changed out of their costume into other stuff. What was I to do? Do I wear pink jockey silks all night or take them off and expose my 'Human Nature' t-shirt to a crowd of people that had been drinking all day and probably would not appreciate the humour that I find when I see myself or a fellow human wearing boy-band merchandise? I ended up keeping the jockey silks on all night and getting more compliments than abuse... there is something about when a long-haired, chemical abusing, boy-predator tells you that 'it's your colour' that makes you think again though... or not.

take home exams.

James' Take Home Exam (take that HSTY 2009!):
Students must answer two questions. You must not use the same material twice. Also you can't answer two questions referencing the same material.

1. 'I wish Brian could speak so he could say 'I love you' back to me':
- Is Brian my elderly mute lover or just a small dog? Discuss

2. Critically analyse the way Brads jaw clicks when he chews.

3. If Ng was to wear white tennis shorts to a party at the Mandarin Club, to listen to Levins play mash ups of Britney and Gwen Stefani in an ironic display of coolness would you go? How many more layers does this story need to be postmodern?

4. 'It's like 10 000 spoons when all you need is a knife' - Alanis Morissette
Discuss with regard to irony.

5. Explain with reference to Foucault why Goonbag likes going to Cargo Bar so much.

6. Critically analyse End of Fashion's appearance at the Arias. Cutting edge young talent or wankers with shit hair? If you were Luke Steele would you be upset that
a) That guy from End of Fashion is going out with your sister
b) You kicked him out your band, only to have him form a new band that sold more records than 'Sleepy Jackson'.
c) Your little sisters band is also doing better than your band.
d) Ironically, in the last year, the only time anyone heard 'Sleepy Jackson on the radio' this year was indirectly through a catchy Ben Lee song.

7. Explain in less than 50 words why you would like to work at General Pants Co.

Holy General Pants!

I took my younger brother Peach to Macquarie centre this arvo because he needed to buy some stuff so he could be cool at a party tonight - I wonder what Governer Macquarie would say if he saw his own shopping centre, he'd probably be pissed off because he couldn't get a park near Bayswiss.

Anyway, we went into General Pants because they are the preferred outfitter of cool teens. On entering the store, a hip young dude with an eyebrow ring approached us and said 'How ya going boys? What you up to?' I mumbled something about being 'Good thanks' hoping to end the conversation - not because I don't like hip dudes, I'm just not very comfortable in a retail situation. Alas, he then followed up on this with 'Dude, where'd you score that jumper from? Its rad!' I responded with 'Umm I got it from the Glebe markets ages ago...Its pretty old' (All of a sudden feeling very Fernando Frisoni 'Who's Looking Hot in Sydney' from the Sun-Herald). Fair enough, being nice to potential customers is a good way to sell stuff, but does he have to bring me to a General Pants level of wankerdom when I am clearly trying to appear distant and suttle (read blase and cool).

It didn't end there. The second, more-senior young hipster (he had a bigger set of keys, so perhaps a manager) approached with a similar opening line. He then followed up with a stare followed by 'man I have the exact same jeans, where did you get them from?' My timid and vulnerable response explained where I got said jeans from. Despite my prayers to the God of awkwardness and public-relations the conversation did not end hear. He then started to say, 'Really, I didn't think (said store) stocked (said pretentious clothing label) anymore'
'Umm I don't really know...' (read I want to go home).

He then started to regale me with an awesome story that his cousin managed a store in the Strand Arcade that was having a sale, and that I should go down. I don't really understand his logic, I'm apparently already a big enough spanner by virtue of owning these pants, why do I need more? The somewhat one-way conversation then went down the inevitable path of him telling me how many pairs of these jeans he owned, 16 I think it was? I hope he kept the tags on them, he could take them back and refund them for a deposit on a house or maybe a tank of petrol for his mums landcruiser (see, now I'm being slightly hypocritical, granted - even though my mum drives a hatch-back).

Only last night at work I was wearing the offending jeans, when a friend Kym pointed out that I was a complete hypocrite as I always am the first to call people wankers and place them in bored and generalised categories. So this story is dedicated to Kym, who has made me think that - maybe I've lost my edge? Have I sold out? In all fairness when you're as skinny as me, it is hard to find pants that aren't massive - thus jeans made to be painted on for your normal fashionista on Crown St fit me pretty well. So maybe I have sold out Kym...At least I'd blend in if I ever need to go undercover in Darlinghurst.

The Vagabond Paper's

*This column is now being renamed 'The Vagabond Papers' after this rad book I've been reading. The book is selections from a 19th century journal of this guy known as 'The Vagabond' who travelled around the world and wrote about all he saw. He was quite the humanitarian consider he was from respectability-obsessed Victorian-England, and he appeared to show a dislike for upper middle-class brats from Melbourne. I only know one of those, but I share his sentiments 150 years on and thus am keeping him alive in name at least.

*It has recently been brought to my attention that I haven't done much lately. This was pointed out to me yesterday by Brad, who upon arriving at my house to drop something off asked me what was up? I thought about it for a minute and then realised...Shit, nothing, at all - unless you want to hear about an essay I'm writing about on 'Respectability and Larrikinism' in 19th century Sydney... a gripping analysis of a dichotomy that divided the colony and I will argue, led to an notions of an imagined 'egalitarianism' that many people still think exists in this country today... Speaking of that essay, its due in 2 and a half hours and I am a good 800 words shy of finishing it, and I'm wasting all my best words here... Like amelioration and propensity!

*Additionally, my attention has been roused by more stories of this columns favourite celebrity, The Mysterious Goon Bag. The Silver Handbag has reportedly been swanning around with Brad at the races, receiving free drinks, and even meeting a bunch of Cops and getting taken home by one of them (allegedly a lady one) to their palatial Hornsby studio... Goonbag wasn't available for comment, however his mum did confirm that 'Dave's just having a sleep now but I'll get him to call you back later James'. Thank you Mrs Goulter.

*In other news, I am the flavour of the month with a selection of people's baby photos on my fridge indicating that they are having 21st Birthday parties and I am in fact invited. When discussing how to deal with multiple engagements on one night it was confirmed by a multiple sources that 'Unless you're good mates with the guy having it, you should go to the chicks one, cos there'll be more chicks there and, deducing to a greater chance of pashing someone'... For more great insights like this, stay tuned to this column, or this columns sources.

*A certain someone has let the cat out of the bag by claiming that another certain someone has assaulted their game badly by being recently seen to a certain someones former certain someone. Someone will pay for this, certainly.

*Is wearing matching aqua tights and a billowy shirt OK if you are a middle-aged Eastern Suburbs childless trophy wife? What if you aren't?

Good Morning!

www.jamesandsteve.blogspot.com
I'd never looked at this myself until just then. Steve apparently has a blog about our top-rating late-night, fortnightly radio show on fBI 94.5FM

Good news you can now listen online at www.fbi.org.au

And no, we still don't have presenter profiles yet... One day, and I'm going to write the most amusing answers to that questionairre when we do - I will outwit and outquirk everyone if it's the last thing I do.

Highlights:

1. Very early last Saturday morning at the Crowie (yeah, so what) I said hi to this guy who was two years above us at school whose name I won't mention 'cos I might be scared of him. Anyway, being very civil I asked him how it was going. His reply went along the lines of
'Fucken, I'm fuck fucken (c-word that I never use, not even if a car ran over my foot... Unless it's an amusing word play: for example 'Don't take that rubbish from them. Stand up and be cunted!')
So I said 'Cool, so you've had a good night then?'
....
The story goes on, but you know those people who always get aggressively defensive (oxymoron anyone?) For example, if I were to ask you, the reader, 'Where are you working at the moment?'

non aggressive-defensive response: 'I'm working in a pub at the moment, I quite enjoy it'
aggressive-defensive response: 'What am I doing? Mate I work in a pub, I don't give a fuck, whatever y'know... Yeah I live with my parents, fuck, I don't care...Fuck, I do whatever the fuck I want...'

A defensive-aggressive responder has many of traits of an aggressive arsehole, with the difference being that an aggressive-arsehole usually doesn't feel the need to justify themself to other people that haven't even called them into question.

* On another note my brother met Tim Rogers in Ireland last week. They had a short conversation before the Youami frontman said: 'You better go to bed mate, you look pretty fucked'
The Pride inside me! Pubes has kicked a goal!

* Rumours:
A certain someone is in a certain someone elses bad books after a certain someone called that certain someone a junkie. In all fairness to the certain someone, apparently just cos you take a butt-load of drugs it doesn't make you a junkie. It just makes you cool as shit.

Stay tuned for previews of this Spring Carnival's blockbuster: 'There's Something About Brad'. Brad has been reported to be suited, booted and carving up Randwick and surrounding night spots - Despite a few losses on the horses, Brad appears to have more than enough Philly's to soften the blow (hahahahaha)

I'm starting a 'The Streets' cover band. I will be on lead vocals...

PICTURES OF COOL SHOES TAKE OVER JAMES'

HOTMAIL ISN'T WORKING SO I'VE BEEN SCOPING MY NEXT TACTICAL MOVE WHEN IT COMES TO PURCHASING SHOES FROM OUR GOOD MAN 'KEVIN SELLS NIKE'. HIS NAME IS 'KEVIN SELLS NIKE' BECAUSE HE DOES, AND DOES IT DAMN WELL TO.

IN OTHER NEWS:

+ GOING TO PRESETS TOMORROW NIGHT AT SYDNEY UNI!
+ DAVID HICKS HAS BEEN SPOTTED AROUND TOWN, MORE THAN OFTEN ON A PINK YOUNG GIRLS MOUNTAIN BIKE... WHEN QUESTIONED ON REASONS FOR FIRSTLY RIDING A BIKE PRESUMABLY STOLEN FROM A GIRL UNDER 14 AND SECONDLY BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY LESS IMPORTANTLY: 'DAVID, SHOULDN'T YOU BE AWAITING TRIAL/ROTTING IN GUANTONOMO BAY - WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON SYDNEY'S NORTH SHORE?'
DAVID HAS FREQUENTLY REPLIED... 'I'M TRYING TO SCHEME CHICKS... AND COULD YOU CALM DOWN FOR A MINUTE? THERES A DROUGHT ON! aLSO, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET A "FREE SCHAPPELLE" SHIRT AND MAYBE EVEN THE NEW GWEN STEFANI ALBUM? THAT SHIT IS BANANAS MAN!!!!!!!!'
+ I KEPT GOING WONDERING WHY MY BLOG SEEMED REALLY DIFFERENT FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS... MORE GEEZERish THAN NORMAL, THEN IT DAWNED ON ME... FIRSTLY I DON'T WEAR FRED PERRY OR BEN SHERMAN JACKETS, MY URL ISN'T www.thestreeets.co.uk, AND I'M NOT MIKE SKINNER - I'M JAMES (identity crisis solved!!)O!! d'ya know what I mean mate, I was well confused n'that?
+ IN LIGHT OF THE LAST BREAKING STORY I WILL NO LONGER BE TOURING WITH DIZZEE RASCAL AND MIA AND NO LONGER HAVE PLANS TO 'head back into the studio to record my 3rd full length album: "Lager, crisps and E's...yeah mate, sorted"'
thats it for the Breaking News today, good afternoon

...dog on surfboard with sunglasses at charity benefit...
...credits
...the end

THIS WEEKS HEADLINES

FINALLY A RHYMING SEQUEL TO 'ANGRY LONERS KILLED SEQUINNED JEN'!

after a several month hiatus 'Big Coronas or Tiny Men' is back in production! (for first two chapters read - bottom post of this blog).
BCorTM's brainchild James stated from his writing studio the other day:
'Yeah i know its been a while coming, I'm just glad to be back... I'd just like to thank my trainer and my family for keeping me fit in these not-the -least-bit-trying times. full credit to all the boys, they done good, they run strong and we'll be back even stronger next year - the location less exotic, the observation even wittier and the in-jokes more pertinent'

IN OTHER NEWS:

- A workmate told me that i had a way with words last week... does that mean that Sara Blasko might dig me? Does it matter that the words that I had a way with started with F and C???

- the show on FBi 94.5fm (FBi Luvs U!) that is sometimes known as 'Overnights - w/ James and Steve' is excited to announce that FBi may be commenciing internet streaming!! this means that you can listen to me and super-Steve talking about each others The horoscopes and stuff. Internet streaming comes extra handy if you live in hard to reach places that aren't sydney eg Perth or more specifically at clauds, annika, tim or bolts' houses or maybe in Adelaide in toms college dorm in between spankings and easter egg hunts with homoerotic over and undertones. Such technology could even be handy if you are my brother in Ireland trying to balance being Aussie all while being the ladsiest geezer outside of the Gallagher brothers and maybe the Libertines on a bad day. Finally this technology would be handy to listen to your good mates radio show if you are an in-love, balding red nut from Canberra who didn't even call me or email me to tell me how Vietnam was.

- I've finally made a new uni buddy that is in all the same classes as me. His name is Teenaged-starry-eyed-sweep-fringed Monster, he is the nicest guy ever and even though he wears badass black acid-wash tight pants, Reebok pumps and has multiple lame tattoos including mainly stars and lightning bolts he is great and I love him - stay tuned for a photo (actually a drawing done in biro) once i work out how to use a scanner.

- BREAKING NEWS:::JAMES' NEW UNI FRIEND (the monster looking one in Reebok Pumps) IS AVENGING SEQUINNED JENS DEATH BY ATTACKING HER KILLERS - ANGRY LONERS - Angry loners at the top of the Monster's hit list appear to be Thom Yorke from Radiohead and David Campese, former Australian Rugby Player and St Ives Sports store owner. Yorke and Campese have been seen together several times often just waterrunning at West Pymble pool or doing lunch with North Shore mothers at the Coonanbarra Cafe. Yorke as described by one such mother who shall remain anonymous as the most flagrant of gossips and bitch-ers in the cappucino circle:

'Thom is a riot. He brings a whole new perspective to gossiping... at one point he bought in a drum synth and just rolled up in a ball whining for hours. It really got his point across and I agreed that his son should have been picked in the A's cricket and that it was all politics'

- Visit the James and Steve blog!!! www.jamesandsteve.blogspot.com

- a lady just called my house and asked to speak to 'Mrs Maloney'
I immediately said 'I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number'
The lady then said in her best annoying-lady-trying-to-sell-something-voice 'Well is mum or dad there, I'm looking for the home owner' - because someone with my voice could NEVER own a house you evil televampiress.
I then replied 'No... this is a rented house anyway'
The televampire then said 'Oh... I'm so sorry - thank you.'
I then said 'No its OK, they say rent money is dead money in the ads I know, but with the price of real estate around here at the moment - who could blame my parents for not wanting to buy a house right now... and why would they want to buy a house in Pymble anyway lady? Pymble is just a convenient place to live as my younger brothers and sisters go to schools around there. i doubt mum and dad will want to hang out there forever and pay off a mortgage for multiple bedrooms and backyards they won't need once they get rid of the kids. Y'hear?!\
But she'd already hung up and moved onto the next sitting duck in his parents house, wearing a white woollen cardigan, playing solitaire and eating a massive wagon wheel...bitch.

AND FINALLY A LIGHTER STORY: ...dog riding surfboard

credits...
the end

josh homme and me...

just got home from seeing QOTSA at the UNSW roundhouse===was good - the problem is the first word i used to describe it was good. had it really blown my mind I probably wouldn't be typing about it now.
seriously though Queens of the stoneage or the josh homme show as i like to call it were at the end of the day RADD.

JAMES'S LINXX
still don't know how to put links in this thing so i will give you some here
www.fireenginesanddumpsters.blogspot.com - claudia's version of news in sunny perth
www.dopecomics.com the art of ozzie wright and dashenka and the official website of the Goons of Doom
www.itsverypleasant.blogspot.com - levins' rants about music and shite
www.fbi.org.au - fbi radio 94.5fm - best radio station in the world!
www.youami.net - the best band in the world that sings about washing lines and milkmen! tim rogers is my hero.
www.alberts.net.au - this is 'totes' where i work. check out the photo gallery - there is none of me there now but there are some beautiful people that i work with in there.
www.sneakerfreaker.com - cool shoes for those obsessed. by a bunch of melbourne hipsters (not jeans, people)

Still Perth

I am still in Perth, however more sober this time. On the whole everyone around me does not have my drinks on them and there are no ethnic minorities ganging up and trying to kill me through vegetarian dishes -
After sensing cultural tension between myself, a pin-up boy of western civilisation, and the Hari Krishnas, a peace loving people who offer top rate meals at a pay-what-you-think price, things looked like they were going to head south.
thankfully my mate Tom was able to calm the waters by communicating with the foreign peoples with some universal words of people of 'non-Western' civilisation: 'Durka durka, Muhammed Jihad'.
Thanks to Tom quick wit and faultless elocution I was saved and with the help of some Zyrtec lived to fight another day on the mean streets of Perth.

News:
-Sarah Blasko is hot, her beauty surpassed perhaps only by that of her keyboard player.
-James Ross-Edwards, prolific blogger and man about town has now officially inundated his seldom viewed web log with so much in jokes that it is has the equivalent audience of whatevers on channel 7 during big brother up late.

Personal correspondence:
Rhythm section of Gelbison: OK guys, look, I know its only a support slot and that Sarah Blasko is pretty mellow herself but you guys could have at least turned up to play for even a bit. Furthermore, thanks to you your band let down the rest of the bill as you were far below the required scarf quota for live music in Perth.