Big Coronas or Tiny Men?

All In Fucken Italics

2011-05-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

“He’s a good bloke. Fuck!” “Not saying he’s not, mate. Just saying he doesn’t know who he is. It’s not a great trait, ya know?” “‘Doesn’t know who he is.’ You sound like such a pleased cunt when you say that. Just ‘cos you, fucken, found a brand of pants you like - you reckon you’re heaps ‘aware.’” “Nah-” “You do! You’ve fully got a compendium under your bed with your personal brand

Trying to write like Stan - Part 2

2011-04-29T23:37:00.000-07:00

What Stan’s version of a ‘gym’ is. Dimly lit. Neat rows of dumbells and brown medicine balls, ascending left to right according to weight. A kettle, but no sink. There is a hand-drawn ‘No Smoking’ sign, and also a full ashtray, In the toilet, men project browny-yellow arcs onto porcelain. The basin is tiny - the kettle has to go sideways to get under the tap. You can never get it more than

Trying to write like Stan - Part 1.

2011-04-09T22:56:00.000-07:00

You and Stan aren’t talking about the same ‘gym.’ “Just because certain words mean certain things to you, doesn’t mean it's the same for everyone else. We all lead different lives. In Melbourne a sauna's a brothel ya know? In Adelaide a pint is only the size of a schooner unless you say 'imperial' - anyway - In Hervey Bay a schooner's a fucken boat. Different things, signifiers.” He paused to

Jesus. I know that guy.

2010-10-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

I know Jesus. He’s from the Northern Beaches. He wears jean-shorts - not cut-offs, proper shorts - and Reef sandals. He mostly hangs with the new-age Christian crowd. We have mutual friends from high school. Every time I bump into him (once every year or two, usually at a house party) I’m in a group conversation where I’m saying terrible things about people or internet sex tapes or the word ‘

Single-minded proposition.

2010-09-25T20:09:00.000-07:00

I started working as an advertising creative a little while back. It changes the way you think about things, advertising. The general aim is to reduce messaging to a simple, single-minded idea or proposition. EG1: “This ute is unbreakable. Even if an animated cow and a bull were having sex in it, it still wouldn’t break!” EG2: “All low carb beers are for girls. Except this one. Once you’ve

Chat Roulette Killed My Blogging Steez

2010-04-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

Originally published in full on The Vine To experience Chat Roulette, click here So, I keep a Word Doc entitled ‘Writing-WIP.doc’ open at all times. This is where I write my weekly blog posts. During the course of the week I type bits Here and There, usually culminating in a collection of words I deem suitable to post. However, this week was different. I was introduced to ChatRoulette.com. I am

Some Translated Quotes II

2010-04-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

Originally published on The Vine Read the first Translated Quotes "Stay off our beaches!" Said the Southern Cross tattoo. "Something with the same effect as your Nan saying 'fingerblast'." Said Judith Lucy. “A general statement about life that men aged 20-35 will hopefully relate to.” Said the beer brand. “A general statement about life (Ft. V-neck t-shirts) that men aged 20-35 will

Offensive AND Irrelevant.

2010-04-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

Originally published for The Vine Ever since I started writing in this (somewhat) more public forum, I’ve begun feeling The Pressure. When you go to post something here it basically asks you ‘is this offensive?’ and ‘is this relevant?’ In my previous experience, a good piece of writing combines offensiveness and irrelevance in a way that doesn’t require two seperate questions. A better measure

Translated quotes.

2009-10-31T19:16:00.000-07:00

"Extremely confrontational and disturbing grab at attention, of which humour is the intended byproduct." Said John Safran."Smug smug [Aboriginal word] smug [traditional landowners] smug." Said John Butler."Something very funny, for a female." Said Tina Fey."RT @myotheraccount: Something funny I said before." Said the self-promoters."Remember Merrick & Rosso in like, 99? A bit like that." Said

The act of Sedaris-ing a job interview.

2009-09-30T00:46:00.001-07:00

I am putting together my 'book' to try and get a 'proper job.'It has been recommended that I put some of my own writing in, to get some idea of who I am. I already know who I am (sick writer/heaps funny).I have spent some time recently trying to curate a selection of work from this blog, to put in an A3 folder so I can show it to people who don't really have the time/patience to read it.Ideally I

The Recession is CANCELLED.

2009-08-24T04:40:00.000-07:00

I wandered through to a pretty courtyard area out the back, and took a seat. There was a student-looking girl reading a dog-eared paperback. I sat there for a full 10 minutes before realising that you're meant to order at the counter. I gave the student girl a quick smile as to say: 'ya reckon you and Dostoevsky can watch my possessions while I go order a coffee? Thank you.*'*Don't you think I

James Vs The Recession V

2009-07-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

The month of June was great for me. I forgot about The Recession.Not only did I not post/fight – I relaxed. I let my shoulders slump into the ‘freelance space’ I keep in the gap between the hot water system and the indoor clothes rack.No longer did I get down on my knees to urinate for fear of making noise. I abandoned the dread associated with living life as a failed smug artisan* and relaxed

James VS The Recession IV

2009-05-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

I have spent the best part of the last month 'frumping' about in my crisp Peter Alexanders, moaning about unemployment rates and The National Deficits.'I hate The Recession!' I said. 'I'm not going to get out of bed until a female friend comes over and tells me that I'm not ugly.''You don't have any female friends, James.' My better judgement said. 'You've never liked women, remember? In fact, in

In between 'Recessions' post: bits from the drafts folder.

2009-05-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

I decided to take a quick break from fighting the Recession. I obviously needed to write an inspirational speech for the students at my former high school, and also relished the rare opportunity to Do Recreation that the ceasefire afforded me.The speech hasn't come quite along quite as far as I might have hoped; I'm stuck on the first two sections... Two and a half weeks later this is all I have

James VS The Recession III

2009-04-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

They say people go through a series of different stages (eg shock, denial, rage) when dealing with The Recession. If handing out business cards to people lining up outside Billy Kwong's was a 'stage' in my coping strategy, I had certainly moved on (ran out of business cards). I returned home and worked on Some Projects, before retiring early. The following morning I arose

James VS The Recession II

2009-03-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

After the Trouble I had with The Recession late last year, the outlook for 2009 was looking grim. I retreated to the coast mid-January and jumped off some rocks into water a few times - returning invigorated and inspired.Sydney was all of a sudden a different place; the city opened up to me. I no longer felt conscious of my own body (like when you have an ear infection). I went for a stroll

James VS The Recession

2009-03-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

I once got paid $100 to deliver Christmas hampers around an office building. It was organised by a friend of my Mum's. It was a good deal - it only took a few hours, and at the end everyone got pizza and soft drink. They even told me I could maybe do it again some time.I reapplied for this job last week only to be rejected. You guess it, The Recession had struck again. They were nice about it,

Funny/Not Funny

2009-03-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

Funny things don't happen to me anymore - this is probably why I haven't been posting so much on this blog. These days just normal stuff happens, basically always. Did you know that over 80% of the funny things I write about never actually happened?Like that time I wrote about the 70 year old Aboriginal guy who had overdosed on heroin and still managed to escape from RPA and the Police? That

Google Analytics Report #1

2009-02-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

The following is a list of things people have typed into Google that have lead them to my blog. Although I hate to look past the "c-word," I think my favourite is the Q-Bar membership enquiry... Or number 20.1. tiny men2. "award school"3. big coronas or tiny men4. great humanitarians5. 36cb69faeb2b6cd6b0e14bbb58374016. big coronas small me7. big cunts8. big women tiny men fuck9. claudia newstead*

Monty.

2009-02-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

If you run out of money, it is important to get some more straight away, before you get Poor.Due to an extended string of circumstances, I have found myself spending Tuesday evenings back pouring beers at my grandmother's lawn bowling club. The Tuesday 5-8pm or the 'Rotary' shift has been the property of me and my siblings for several years now. I have never been the primary custodian of the

Extract from my AWARD School Application

2009-02-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

1. Why do you want to be involved in creative communications?A few years ago I worked as an office temp with an older fellow named Gary. Several times each day, he would say the same thing to me: “We’re not numbers people, James! We’re both creatives!” Our job was to proofread financial Statements of Advice for typographical and pagination errors. ‘Is this what being “a creative” is?’ I

My 2008

2009-01-14T20:08:00.000-08:00

As most of you will know, each year, like many other Australians, I send out a Christmas card to family and friends telling them about my year. 'Why don't,' I said. 'I post my card on my blog, so people can read it, regardless of stamps? I haven't posted in ages, and Sophie Braham seems to be hogging the spotlight with her tactless "demonstrative vid/photo blogging."'Unfortunately I was unable to

2008-11-14T06:46:00.001-08:00

So it was like 11:30PM on Friday, and I just finished my last uni paper. It's the third time I've been to uni, and the second time that I am going to not go back, but I'm finished you know? And I have a beer at home with Steve. Then Steve goes to bed 'cos he's got stuff to do in the morning. So I finish my beer, and go to meet Jess. And I'm wearing shorts and PE socks with the red and blue socks

The word 'hipster'

2008-10-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

It has been bought to my attention that the internet (and maybe even the world minus Africa and Antarctica) has been inundated by people writing articles about the phenomenon of the hipster. How this defined group of people are full of contradictions and sucking the meaning out of former staple working class values like smoking and wearing flanellette. Phrases like 'ironically detached,' '

Everybody needs bio.

2008-10-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

Even Peter Fitzsimons. He would insist on writing his own, probably mostly about walking the Kokoda Trail and how schoolboy rugby should be on the ABC on Saturday afternoons instead of the Shute Shield match of the week. "I'm sorry, Peter, I can't agree there." James said."What do you mean? Move out of the way mate, I'm on my way to meet Billy Birmingham. We're going on his yacht, maybe

Something new.

2008-10-07T00:25:00.000-07:00

I was asked to write some creative writing by a guy for a thing. This is what I wrote:Frank Sartor: A Novel by James Ross-EdwardsFrank Sartor awoke with a start. It was 4:51am. Nightmares and cold sweats were routine for him, and he cursed the day he ever decided to be a crime-solving pilot. Hauling himself upright, Frank answered his bedside phone, which had been ringing for some time."Hello?"

2008-08-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

I've experienced a fairly serious bout of writer's block lately. Granted, it is a totally pretentious illness - and I should know, I only listen to music in which the artist has a one word name, that is a noun. It isn't that I hate any certain types of music more than others. The fact is, I hate all types of music - it is a terrible, diluted art form that's only useful purpose is to divide people

Frank Sartor on "Pilgrims"

2008-07-17T02:19:00.000-07:00

James has asked me to write about the Pilgrims that are visiting Sydney for World Youth Day:It seems that a lot of people are making comments about these visitors to our city. At training last night I overheard Pete (coach of First Grade) talking to Grub (#8 for Seconds). Their conversation:Pete: Fucken' pilgrims. Mate, I don't wanna make a big go of it, 'cos I know some of the boys are

2008-07-07T05:54:00.000-07:00

It used to be about being funny, then I went to University.It used to be about being regular, then I went to University.Intertextuality was something I dabbled in, but never cried about. Then I went to University.It didn't matter that I hadn't read Anna Karenina before I went to University. I still haven't, but now this is a thing I should have done.Here is an excerpt of something new. It is the

Postmodernism.

2008-05-13T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am sorry for being a terrible man. What with me being all nouveau and crass in my office job lately, I have been ignoring you.---I am pleased to announce that we will be releasing another zine/my theory and reading major work. The working title: "Haiku, by Frank Sartor"The body of text will be an all original, straight up 5-7-5 layed down by F. Sartor. I am reluctant to offer a sneak preview,

Frank Sartor checks in with a haiku

2008-04-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

A pre-season fightClock, Undies, Pubes all involvedBoys got too rowdy

Some time shortly before 1788...

2008-04-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

A general update: The captain has been uttering unthinkable utterances. Some of the men fear that he has caught the Consumption from a prostitute, Errol, his best girl. I have been avoiding close contact with him where possible, mostly confining myself to my cabin and the waste trough I share with the other other men convicts. Myself and several others have taken to warding off Delirium and

Malouf and Muscles

2008-04-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

In an organised gathering of fee-paying minds held within the grounds of a university, I learnt that author David Malouf wrote exclusively in long-hand. Once the author of seminal HSC the 2 Unit Advanced English text, Imaginary Life is happy that his handwriting was worthy, he then types it out, on a typewriter. It is up to someone at his publishing company to type it out again - probably onto a

When The Data Entry Finally Got Too Much.

2008-03-31T10:50:00.001-07:00

Kym opened the front door. He was keen for a cup of tea and a heavy portion of peanut butter atop a slice of stale bread. He was a happy man of modest wants.Searching for the light switch in the living room, he was shocked to notice that James was sitting alone in silence. James was still wearing the same clothes as he had been when Kym had last seen him, just under 24 hours previously. "Are you

James uses his writing skills to get inside the persona of a 16 year old Muslim girl.

2008-03-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

Man, it is so hard to be a Muslim girl at the moment.For one, I have to live out in the western suburbs which get all hot and gross in the summer - especially because I wear a headscarf ALL the time. My parents are really strict and make me worship everyday, sometimes eight times depending on the state of Mecca!I go to a school with mostly Muslims but also some normal people.I feel lucky to live

I had to include a Lake.

2008-03-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

This story is contributing to me being a "Master of Arts." Kind of in the same way Brett Whiteley was a "master of art," but I will actually have a proper graduation and formal qualifications.---Mark stared the kind of stare that he wished a camera crew was there to record. It was one of those long, focused stares. The kind of stare that would be used in a video clip filmed in the rain on a

Those kids ALWAYS drag their Ls.

2008-02-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

Apologies for not writing anything in a while, but sometimes there is not anything to write. Sometimes the only thing to do is watch the same eight youtube videos over and over again. Sometimes the stimulus pool runs dry, particularly when you have a limited repertoire and you are sick of the things that you normally plagiarise.This is why I am going back to university - to become a better

2008-02-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

I wandered through the house, like a small child at an open house inspection. I nearly ran into a pane of safety glass, as I noticed a shiny object in the backyard, perhaps a bird, perhaps a toy bird. The glass was very clean. The poison from the DIY cockroach bomb had settled all over the crockery and food, the dead insects would be ready to vacuum in several hours. The kitchen smelt like a

Guest Post: Jon Valenzuela

2008-02-06T23:13:00.000-08:00

Every now and then it is correct to help a fellow out. Like a lady or gentleman of age who can only take baths, or a young lady frothing at the mouth due to amphetamine use. In both cases, assistance is required in the smallest room of the house/St Johns tent at an outdoor music festival. My father once knew a man forced to roll in a chair due to inactive legs. A man of principle and charity, my

Guest Post: Chuckos.

2008-02-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

Editors note: Chuckos works in hospitality. He's one of those guys that looks pretty slick at twenty paces, a handsome and stylish bartender. On closer inspection you notice that he is wearing black brothel creepers with a silver buckle, a tattoo of an Indian Brave is showing through the sleeve of his cheap business shirt along with the unforgiveable outline of a pack of Holiday Slims 30s on his

Make that Forty upright this instant. Heath would want you to share it with friends.

2008-01-28T04:35:00.001-08:00

I was heartened over the long weekend to learn that my slackness over the last several weeks has caused a several people a small amount of disappointment. For the record, this blogger has been somewhat pre-occupied by festivities and the endless search for employment that does not does not facilitate insomnia/lazy sweat.As Sam De Brito would say: boys need good role models. Ahh, the less-fair sex

The Drones.

2008-01-07T07:50:00.001-08:00

Last weekend I attended the Annandale Hotel to see The Drones. It was brilliant (this is a review). My highlights included seeing not only Tim Freedman, but also Phil Jamieson enjoying the show. Freedman is either the world/Newtown's youngest looking 60 year old or the oldest looking 26 year old - it's hard to tell. I estimate that he is closer to 60 than 26, as he apparently used to date the

You can make more money working at Boost Juice than singing about Larrikins.

2007-12-24T08:31:00.000-08:00

"The first time the term "larrikin" was used in the Australian press, it referred to a group of Australian born gang rapists. That was nearly 150 years ago, here is a song about stacking hundreds of plastic beer cups together at the cricket."This is what I would say to the crowd, should I ever become a singer/songwriter that performed a song called Larrikins.---As Curious an Entity #3 is out soon

Excerpt from a cover letter in application of employment.

2007-12-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

Outline your experience with the media. How has your interaction with the media effected your life?I am particularly lucky, as the media has had very little impact on me over the last decade. However, as a child I would frequently pace around the rockery in my backyard, imagining being elsewhere, usually in a situation in which I was the only human friend of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The

Post-review pressure.

2007-12-09T04:45:00.000-08:00

"I guess I just want to do something really good?""Well, yes... But I think you ought to be a touch more specific than that.""Um, Okay. I have alot of ideas. The problem is in the translation, they get blurred, fractured in a way.""...""Yesterday morning I woke up with the concept for an Australian television mini-series script in my head, then I had to go work. By the time I got home it was gone

Election week was last week.

2007-11-21T01:29:00.000-08:00

He just had nothing to say at all. They were talking about the election again.The frustrating thing was, he was a glutton for news. He read the Herald and Telegraph online every day. He could recite by heart every single name of every single child who had been killed by neglected parents. He often rememembered important social calendar dates on the Dianne Brimble Case Index.---I had nothing to

Review of 'Naked', by David Sedaris

2007-11-11T07:04:00.000-08:00

Critically acclaimed US humourist and writer, David Sedaris first came to this reviewer's attention via a friend. A google search followed, leading almost immediately to a thorough reading of the entire back-catalogue of the author's New Yorker pieces (or at least all of those available online).Naked is a collection of short stories and anecdotes from Sedaris' life, ranging from his early

2007-11-05T06:42:00.001-08:00

Dear Social Photographer,I shall never forget the first, unforgettable aural sensation that proved your existence. "Click. Click." "Click. Click." You elegantly pranced from smoking section to restricted area with grace and beauty, most alarming. Then, I saw you front on. Digital SLR partially obscuring your face, you were laughing and talking to a group of people about "gallery space" and the

Big Coronas or Tiny Men: a tremendous party night ($10)

2007-10-31T06:35:00.000-07:00

It has been a difficult year for this blog. The online social networking juggernaut has diverted attention from blogs, particularly blogs that do not have youtube links or information about new Apple products. The 56k dial-up friendly blog has become, not erroneous, but perhaps a touch boring? With the exception of the blogging elite (Sam Brett, Piers Akerman et. al.) a straight-up text blogger

Pastoral care

2007-10-22T10:57:00.000-07:00

"So shoot four times in the air, then open the cash register?""Yes, four times - then go for the cash.""Where do the bullets go when you shoot a gun in the air, though?""Irrelevant. Next question.""Don't you DARE use those annoying truncated sentences on me!""Why? They're amazing.""Everything's always fucking 'amazing' with you. Why can't you just say that your eggs were 'perfectly acceptable.'""

Australian History Fan-fiction: Chapter 1

2007-10-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

She was a small and mysterious girl. Her hair fell in the manner of an Irish-Catholic, instantly deceiving her Protestant vocal delivery, H's pronounced as hard as her skin appeared to touch.Colonial children generally have a slightly darker complexion to their British equivalents. They appear at home in the harsher environment of New South-Wales, more athletic, lithe. My foremost concern with

Better late, hey.

2007-10-11T04:31:00.000-07:00

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.Hey everybody! I promised myself I would be more regular with filling you all in, but it's been so crazy here in Sydney!I'm living in a this kind of villagey place not far from the city called Glebe. It has lots of cafes that are full of people writing in Ernest Hemingway-style notebooks (Simmo you would love it over here!). I really love that

Guest Post: "Don't ever days go bye!" with Frank Sartor

2007-10-04T02:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a while between posts for me, so I'll start by saying hi. Hi!James called me from his holiday in Newcastle and asked me to write another story because he was "so fucken over writing this shit. It's ALL FUCKED! (bottle breaking and James laughing alot). I don't know where he was but he sounded drunk and sad.Anyway, things have been going very well for me. Full-time work was makng me a

2007-09-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

What a terrible blogger I have been. All not posting for over two weeks.I have returned to announce that my zine, As Curious An Entity #2 has been completed. The zines are ready, the boys is here, I am six, I am sixty, we are all unbearably happy.During the process of creating this piece of independent literature (which also features the work of Stephen Lloyd and Jessica Sutton) I struck a

Eric.

2007-09-08T07:10:00.000-07:00

It was funny for Eric, watching everyone change around him. He had seen school, work and uni mates floating, often flying, in different directions. Rock solid alliances gradually lost and gained members, until he was surrounded by noone that could remember why screaming "CHICKS!" was funny anymore. "Of course you've changed, blowjob. You just think you haven't because you still wear those Volley

A novelty post.

2007-09-06T04:21:00.000-07:00

If you write a blog entry right after you had four beers then watched the Candy DVD in bed on your laptop, you are but a quivery voice away from a Bright Eyes song.Yours,Deleted

Guest Post: Frank Sartor's weekend.

2007-08-26T07:07:00.001-07:00

I don't normally write in my diary very much. I always mean to but I usually never even remember to write in it.Anyway, the weekend has been very great thanks for asking! I didn't have a break at work in the morning, so Jenny (manager on Fridays) let me off at 4:40pm instead of 5:00pm. I decided I wanted to get really drunk because I didn't have to work for the rest of the weekend, so on the way

Please don't ask me to smile.

2007-08-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

I am not normally a person who logs onto blogger, takes a deep breath and then types out my last 24 hours. I am slightly more pretentious than that. I have Opinions about the linear narrative. If I were to send group travel emails they would probably only note my exotic location by the differing standard sizes of coke cans: nb the size of coke cans often differs across continents and regions. But

The man is paranoid because beer made him bad.

2007-08-21T09:10:00.000-07:00

Alright, alright, alright. Think about this, and we can narrow it down.It probably wasn't anything that happened before midnight, I can remember that all pretty clearly (sort of clearly). I was getting along really well with everybody, I even bought a pretty generous round and had a nice conversation with the bartender.Oh, fuck. It was outside in the smoking area. It didn't seem like it at the

James' Ideas For New 'Zine (TOP SECRET!!!)

2007-08-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

1. Commission myself to write a feature article entitled "Zines: Awesome and Totally Raw."Intro: A 'zine is an informal, self-published, self-distributed form of press. 'Zines are AWESOME and TOTALLY RAW because they don't have to conform to bourgeois demands of the traditional press. Another good thing about 'zines is... (tbc)2. A story in which two Chinese/French men are saying rude sexual

Gentlemanly Pursuits

2007-07-30T11:25:00.000-07:00

Rewritten from original bender transcripts (that appeared in this blog) in early-2006.---After post-work indulgence, Lucas knows that the best end to a night is ALWAYS to trespass on the grounds of a prestigious school and make the following comment:"Shit man, those primary school kids have it fucken sweet. That's the biggest chess-board I've ever seen, hey."This will always be preceded by the

Autobiography part 2

2007-07-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

... As we all know the linear narrative is the mouth-piece of the aged, the not-subversive and the literally uncool. The autobiography is an ancient and patriarchal concept, traditionally and contemporarily used for white men in their middle-ages to reflect on their achievements, be they sporting, sciencing, painting or of the various forms of colonising.With this in mind, writing an

LOL-LIFE: HOW THE BLOG GENERATION DO IT

2007-07-17T00:20:00.000-07:00

During the middle of my stint as an unemployed man (not necessarily accurate, as at time of writing, stint has not necessarily finished), I did a one-day temp job for this brilliant company called Nespresso. It is already a raging success in Europe, one of those things that is sure to revolutionise the way we drink coffee. I was hired specifically to fold three seperate pieces of marketing (

I would never believe that they thought I was pretentious, I'd keep imagining them starting a blog in my honour.

2007-07-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

Goodness, if my life was televised it would be hilarious. All the witty conversations and bizarre moments? All the well timed inapproprii? All the inventing of new words?Yes.If it isn't a dinner table joke between me and Stephen about peering through delicate drapes only to see Joh Bailey being "slammed" by his enormous partner, it's probably the following conversation that detailed how "you

I bet there's maybe not one dude in a million who wrote as many cheques as I did yesterday.

2007-06-26T01:26:00.000-07:00

At my latest temp job yesterday I wrote more than two hundred (200!) cheques. I would argue that I was one of very few men walking around that did such a thing. Jane, the other temp, wrote 225(!) but was disqualified as she is a lady.Me and Jane were a team. People stared up twelve levels from street level through the glass windows at us diligently spelling out dollar and cent amounts and knew

Extract from the diary of a person seeking employment.

2007-06-06T23:09:00.001-07:00

Q: "So it looks like you have done a variety of good and interesting things, but do you understand that the bread and butter of this job is administration?"A: "From my experience doing admin stuff, I have really enjoyed it, and would love the opportunity to work within the arts at any level" - Yes, but at this point I don't think I will find a job that involves sitting at Glebe Point drinking gin

Andrew G has a blog too.

2007-06-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

It was not until yesterday that I started reading Dave Eggers' seminal novel, Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius. It was not until yesterday that I(, in fact,) had been striving my entire life to writing exactly the same as Eggers, just never realised it. Much like when I first read Douglas Adams, it was somewhat of an epiphany. People probably know. People know. In stark contrast, yesterday

Act 1 Scene 2

2007-05-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

--- HOUSEKEEPING ---Please come to Wharf 2 in Walsh Bay next Saturday afternoon for the first ever Sydney Writer's Festival Zine Fair. It is there you will find my first pretentious publication, entitled "As Curious An Entity..." I have a table booked to sell stuff with the Sammiches guys and girl, and a few other people selling zines and things. They're well cheap anyway, but I'll give free

Act 1 Scene 1

2007-05-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

Characters/housemates:- $1.40 Coke Man- Furiously Masturbating Ice Addict- Samantha Brett as herself- SimmoVague Premise:This unlikely foursome all live together in what can easily be described as "the sharehouse from Hell!" THE LIVING ROOM, 5PM, WEDNESDAYSamantha Brett: Oh! It is just so hard to keep thinking up topics for my nationally recognised dating blog!Furiously Masturbating Ice Addict:

Using The Digital Scanner

2007-05-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

Last week I received a letter of redundancy from my workplace. As of May 28, me and all the people that do my job will be out of shifts. In my case, I will lose all my shifts. I'll spare you a sob story, as I've already written one, which will presumably not get published in the SMH's Heckler, as it is that particular publication who employs me.Nevertheless, this has got me wondering what

As curious an entity, as bullshit writ on silk.

2007-04-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

A text message conversation that occured between 0600 - 0700 yesterday:James > StephenWould you believe that I just a: walked past the PBH (Pyrmont Bridge Hotel) and saw someone I know drinking and b: stopped by and had an eye opening shot of sambuca? Jesus I'm crazy.Stephen > JamesHow was it? Confrontingly honest?James > StephenA bit rank. I regretted walking in, then snuck out when they were

Just Three Shifts, This Week.

2007-04-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

I either do a lot, or very little.In year 4, in Mrs Merrick's class she complimented me on my involvement in extra curricular activities, which, on top of class time included the orchestra (violin, hey), the recorder group (descant, but) and cross country (running). I fit it in easily, while managing to maintain all my day to day activities like paying bills, cooking, banking and catching up with

These bland conversations and crap observations will in time outpace and outlive you.

2007-04-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Although I have finished studying, I find that people (mainly older) generally assume that I am still a student. I assume this is due to my surplus in free time, casual dress, frequent drunkeness and lack of obvious career direction.---"So how's uni going, James?""I've finished actually.""So what does that leave you with then?""Well, I have an Arts degree in Australian history and Performance

Applying Sam In The City's "How To Be More Attractive To The Opposite Sex" Guidelines To My Own Life

2007-04-03T06:47:00.000-07:00

Being #1 and #2 most influential bloggers in Sydney to have grown up (she still lives there) within a stone's throw of St Ives Village Shopping Centre, it is my pleasure to invite Sam In The City's own Samantha Brett (smh.com.au) to give me a crash course in how to improve my "spunk factor."As Sam says, being a young upwardly mobile singleton in the city goes both ways. While it's great "being

"Conrad, just get over the small man syndrome!"

2007-03-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Alison was the only person I had ever met who would stay with someone after they had kicked a bar stool from under her colleague, Diane. Diane had got into an argument with him after he had made several comments about "never letting women work in my kitchen." Diane had made the assumption that he was a chef. This was not Diane's first mistake, he was only a sous-chef that probably did not have

A Story Of Two Parts.

2007-03-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

After over 24-months of blogging, one can grow tired of discussing their own life in the narrative voice. These thoughts have plagued me recently, and I diverted much of that energy to doing a better job listening to the police-scanners at work.Since doing that, I have noticed a disturbing pattern in late-night street behaviour. It seems that incidents of people (POIs) openly committing acts of

JEREMY: A LOVING REFLECTION

2007-03-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

"Six months! You're kidding."Sancia, was in fact not joking. It had been six months since their particularly pretentious friend Jeremy had passed away - sucked up into a vacuum created from his own verbal masturbation. That was actually a metaphor, his literal cause of death was strangulation. Jeremy was strangled by a hipster in low-slung tracksuit pants. His weapon, the plastic bag that

The Summer TV of Blogs

2007-02-21T05:06:00.000-08:00

I have suffered from writers-block during this week. Being a blogger that disapproves of non-ironic self indulgence, I already hate myself for the sentence that precedes this one.The problem with writing this blog in particular is that it is very difficult to be serious, as those who have read previous posts will see this as a precedent of what this blog is. It is surely not appropriate to pour

Shorter and of lower quality than expected, no kudos.

2007-02-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

Having only eaten/drunk soup pre-work this evening, I made a trip to City Convenience to buy a pie. On my way back through the lobby my Little Security Guard Friend (not to be confused with Little Hoodrat Friend) engaged me in some conversation:"Where'd ya get food from at this hour?""City Convenience," I replied. "Not a huge number of options open at this hour," I added, thoughtfully""Jeez, they

Boring and irrelevant. No kudos.

2007-01-21T06:22:00.000-08:00

Having not blogged in a while, I am at a loss as to where to start. For there has been no shortage of blog-worthy moments/events in this blog-worthy world. Did you hear that blogging is changing the way the current generation gather their information? I did! Look out traditional forms of media!Where to start:I could start with going to the Falls Festival, when the evil Simmo emerged from deep

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

2006-12-24T04:03:00.000-08:00

I know exactly what you are thinking... Hang on, if it's Christmas Eve, all the journalists are on holiday. What if something huge happens? Who is going to decipher newsworthiness for the country's most widely-read broadsheet in the middle in the early hours of Christmas morning?Residents of NSW, fear not. I am here.Alot of stuff actually happens on Christmas Eve. It isn't usually stuff you can

working on Sunday...

2006-12-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

Seemed like a great idea, it's not like it's Saturday night, I can still go out and sleep in on Sunday morning (which I did).However, being horribly hung over after Saturday night means that I will feel like this until I get home from work at approximately 6:30am on Monday morning... around 24hours after I got physically removed from the Judgement Bar and sent out into the beautiful Crown Street

Those who can, do. Those who can't, go into advertising.

2006-12-05T05:43:00.000-08:00

"Is it unAustralian to watch cricket just because it makes Weiss Bars taste better?" I mused from my couch yesterday afternoon. Not having to work made me very happy indeed. The answer came to me quicker than Will Gilroy (you probably don't even read this) at a 'short tailored shorts and all-white canvas shoes' sale. "Don't be a bloody idiot James," Australian Idol Damian Leith sneered at me from

The Veronicas, Max from Big Brother and Myf Warhurst (myfwar-HURST)

2006-11-27T05:51:00.000-08:00

INTRO - Irrelevant My security guard mate did not greet me with his regular warmth as I arrived for work tonight. I feel something may be on his mind. If I was a regular day time worker, I would ask him if he is alright. However, it is my strict duty, as a fellow night-shift worker to only talk about working at night, usually with jokes'NUB PAR' AND END OF INTRO:A commonly used example of one of

A lesson in not caring.

2006-11-22T04:01:00.000-08:00

Having a job that starts at 10pm and finishes at 6am, with only minimal tasks to complete leaves alot of time for getting things done. So far, I have spent most of my downtime in the toilets thinking: "wow, Sam Brett has probably urinated in here". It took me two full weeks to realise that I was in the men's, and that Sam Brett probably saves all her urine for the chest of her older lover. She's

Great Humanitarians Of Our Time: Garret, Healey , Ross-Edwards

2006-10-28T00:50:00.000-07:00

From: James Ross-Edwards To: savebarkercricket@hotmail.comCc: reception@barker.nsw.edu.au, jeremy_von_einem@barker.nsw.edu.au, prudence_rogers@barker.nsw.edu.au, matthew_macoustra@barker.nsw.edu.au, hm@barker.nsw.edu.au, heather_graham@barker.nsw.edu.au, john_mock@barker.nsw.edu.au, peter_miller@barker.nsw.edu.au, colin_reid@barker.nsw.edu.au, len_nixon@barker.nsw.edu.au, newsdesk@smh.com.au,

The end for Jeremy.

2006-10-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

Jeremy, yet again, sat on that balcony, judging everything that walked by, from plastic bags to men dressed solely by Material Boi. Before he could even think about pondering and analysing who was a wanker, and who was not, his life flashed before his eyes. The reason for this was uncertain, but soon became relevant. Jeremy was dead. He had been killed by a man, dressed solely by Material Boi,

Dancing me down.

2006-09-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

I would like to sincerely thank all the "very clever" people that made connections between myself (Simmo's mate James) and the characters that have appeared in the last two postings of this publication. I would also like to let you know that I must be brief as I borrowed this condescending tone from brad-rules.blogspot.com and have been told that I must return it by last drinks or I shall be "

look at my range, part 2.

2006-09-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

Emaline sat outside on the front door step of the entry way to her house, intermittently sipping Earl Gray between watching the typically torrential, "fuck you for suggesting that summer is on it's way after one blue-skied weekend" rain force leaves and bits of garbage on a fish killing mission, via the stormwater drain. She felt that, had an artistic photographer been present, her lonely

Look at my range.

2006-09-04T06:30:00.001-07:00

Jeremy sat on the balcony pondering nothing in particular, as pondering, he firmly believed, was not the best process for exploring specific events and detail. He sucked slowly on his cigarette, a habit which would allegedly end his life prematurely, before taking a sip of green tea, a habit which would allegedly prolong his life. The irony of these two things together was not completely lost on

Look at my range.

2006-09-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

All dressed up with no suit party to go to.

2006-08-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

Not all blog entries for BCorTM come out as easily as the reader may expect... Behind all the lists, over-punctuation and Simmo-related humour is just a young (arguably post-adolescent, yet no chances of growing a beard/going to a bucks night/buying a house in Kellyville has presented itself as yet) man. Did get a suit though.Questions for the week:1."Good Australian sketch comedy." Oxymoron?

Tentatively titled: "I went to Splendour in the Grass on the weekend... What have you done?": Part 1.

2006-07-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

Much like Australian band Youami´s latest offering, this post is to be considered a comeback post for this blog, which has been recently put its place by a younger, cooler equivalent in the form of www.brad-rules.blogspot.com ala Davey Lane´s side project The Pictures. Much like The Pictures, brad-rules, while good in content, has still a bad case of "little brother syndrome" or even, and after a

James and the City... Not that good a post.

2006-07-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

So I´m sitting at home trying to get past what just happened on the pre-recorded, ad-less episode of the OC I just watched. Blogging lately has been minimal, and admittedly rubbish. In between paying my student union fees, and deciding exactly how I am going to get through the car trip to Splendour in the Grass (5 people, Sydney to Byron Bay, in Brad's two-door 1998 Lancer AKA "The Spruce Moose")

James and the city.

2006-07-04T00:50:00.002-07:00

James and the City:Like the multi-award winning Sex and The City. James and the City explores the day to day lives of a cosmopolitan young male living in Sydney's inner-west.Episode 1: The FiremanSummary: James and his boyfriends go out trying to seduce sexy firemen. They have brunch later and talk about it while puffing on white-tipped cigarettes and drinking macchiatos.Reality: James and his

James and the city.

2006-07-04T00:50:00.001-07:00

A different ring in your ear.

2006-05-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

Last night saw Pidge´s farewell from the Olympic city. Next week he will be relocating to the place of mafia-related shootings, cannabis plantations and teenage pregnancy. Griffith.The evening started conveniently for me, just down the road from my house at the Rose Hotel. Having offered to get the first round I settled into what seemed like at least five schooners before I first stood up to go

GOONBAG

2006-05-22T22:51:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post about 6 weeks ago, but never finished it. I don't think I will ever bother doing so but heres a good chunk of it.NB - Since I wrote this, the affable Bag Of has got a job.Last week during a lunch-break at work, me and Dan found ourselves, over lasagne and chips, discussing ways to make money in a world where virtually every cash-cow has been milked dry. I was telling Dan how a

Calista Flockhart: "I thought I was going to die"

2006-05-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

Apart from a small cash-flow crisis, having too many unpaid jobs and two massive assignments due next week, it is a wonderful time to be alive.Tickets to Splendour have been purchased, lust of tar has almost been coughed up, overall sense of confidence and well-being is reasonably high. If I were the character from "Doom 2," I suspect my health would read a respectable 92%, any minor

4:38am Monday the 1st of May, 2006

2006-04-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

YIPPEE, HOORAY I AM FINALLY FREE!As a wise man once said: "God bless the fucken lot us us!"